To My Tiny Baby

"For this Child I have prayed, and the Lord has granted the desires of my heart." 1 Sam 1:27

5 Weeks

My tiny baby. You are only 5 weeks old, so hidden in my belly, so little and new, so loved by us!

Your sister has become my handmaiden, literally on my heels every moment of the day asking if there is anything I need. Your big brother keeps asking me if you will come out in the morning and I have to tell him that it will still be many mornings until he can stand by you with his sword and be your protector. Today he lit a candle before St. Joseph for you with daddy. He loves you!

As if daddy could do anything more he has been doing the chores and making mommy stay in bed longer or go to bed earlier. He is determined that you and I will both be healthy and strong, physically and emotionally!

We have dreamt about you for so very long and now our dreams are intensified. We wonder who you are, what your name is, what you look like. I dream about feeling your first fluttery kicks and your somersaults. You are so new and yet we have not been able to contain our secret from our friends and family. From the moment that you were you have been your own unique person, an eternal soul of infinite worth and we could not help but share the news of YOU.

Already there are little sacrifices involved with holding you safe in my belly, little selfish habits that I held to tightly that I have to let go for love of you. Already, my tiny baby, you make me better, more selfless, more resolute. Thank you!

We are counting the weeks until we meet you. They will go so slow and so fast all at the same time. In the meantime we will keep dreaming about you and praying for you.

I love you!

6 Weeks

My tiny baby. How I love you! You are 6 weeks and 3 days old, and starting to make your presence known a little more. You are already showing your unique you-ness, as you make Mama sick in the morning and not the night like your brother and sister. Mama has been pretty ill for the last 2 weeks with a sinus infection, and with the added nausea I've been a little cranky. However, I remind myself to be GRATEFUL. These are all signs of you, our darling. It is all for you and for our family, and it is all such meaningful suffering.

I went for a walk yesterday and was reminded of how I love these moments before the world knows about you. Anyone looking at me would have seen one person out for a walk....but there were 2 of us! Two people, two guardian angels....I'm never alone. I love having you with me.

I am counting the days until I can be a little more certain that you are OK in there. Until then we pray hard, loving you more and more.

12 Weeks

My tiny baby, you are 2 inches long now! Oh how I love you. I haven't written here since we started telling friends and family about you, perhaps because since then I seem to talk about you all the time. Your brother and sister only want to talk about you, or read books about how you are growing, or talk about what you should be named or whose bed you should sleep in. We pray for you at every meal and we give thanks for you and pray for you at bed time. It is Judah and Liliana's number one prayer intention these days. It is so fun!

The time is flying and I am simultaneously grateful and frightened by that. There are so many things i want to do before you are born....organizational things that would make me more ready for you. However all of my best intentions for fitness and productivity disappeared by how tired growing you as made me. I am hopeful the energy comes back, or maybe I'll have to ask for help, which wouldn't be so bad either.

Either way, I dream about you daily. I already yearn to have you in my arms and know you are safe. The second trimester certainly brings a little more security, but pregnancy after having experienced miscarriage is different than before. I am fearful for your safety and oh, so aware that every moment with you is a gift. Thank you for being part of our family!

10 weeks

12 Weeks you are the size of a LIME!

12 Weeks 

I love you so much. Keep growing my sweet little one!

Liliana Joy's Birth Story!

The Birth Story of Liliana Joy Packard - July 31, 2011

NOTE: Hypnobabies (the birth prep I used) terminology is used in this story thus pressure waves=contraction, birthing time=labor. I also make reference to the finger drop which is a technique to instantly relax, and to several hypnobabies recordings. If you have any questions please ask! 


***This birth story is not graphic but it is detailed***

Well I should begin by saying that due to the fact that my mom had all of her (6) children at least one-two weeks overdue, I was assuming that this my first baby would be as overdue! Thus, despite being very close to my guess date I had no anxiety about wanting our little one to hurry up and be born, but instead was finding it quite easy to be “lovingly patient” as I had heard every day on the hypnobabies tracks! My husband and I live in Australia, despite being from Canada/USA and thus were super excited to welcome my mom and little sister to Melbourne when I was 39 weeks 3 days. On the night of 39 weeks 5 days, we went to one of my husband’s basketball games which was very intense. I was experiencing super strong braxton hicks throughout the game, but attributed it to the intensity of the game! I had been having lots of braxton hicks anyhow since about 36 weeks, and so thought nothing of it.

I woke up at 5:00 am on the dot the next day with pressure waves that felt slightly different to the braxton hicks, as they wrapped around my back. Immediately upon awakening I knew that I wouldn’t be able to sleep through these ones, so I told my husband that I couldn’t sleep and was going to have a cup of tea (I didn’t want to raise a false alarm!). I got up and lay on my left side on the couch with my tea. I read through some birth stories and watched my favorite birth videos on YouTube. I also talked to our little girl and told her that if she wanted to be born today it was ok, that she was very safe and we were going to be a good team. I started to time the pressure waves and they were 5-8 minutes apart and lasting 30-45 seconds.  I practiced my finger drop, as well as listened to the deepening hypnosis CD and the hypnotic childbirth 1 and 2 CDs. This continued until about 8:30. During that time I also had a shower, and watched the most gorgeous sunrise reveal a beautiful clear blue sky. I knew it was a perfect day for a birthday!

I woke up my husband at 8:30, telling him that he probably wasn’t playing his final basketball game that day, because we might be meeting our baby. Then I told him to keep sleeping as I was doing fine :) A few minutes later he emerged, commenting that it was a little hard to go back to sleep after something like that! We called my mom and told her that my husband would come get her and my little sister, but of course not to get their hopes up; it might not be the real thing! However, at this point I preferred to move through my pressure waves and was listening to the birthing day affirmations, switching with easy first stage, pressure waves were staying consistent and some were lasting up to 55 seconds.

At about 10:00 I started to make brownies to bring to our midwives but I never got to frosting them because I quickly lost all interest in my brownie project and really could care less!

Things continued like this until 3:00 pm. Pressure waves got longer and more intense. Never at any point did they feel unmanageable, and I felt totally peaceful and safe. My dearest husband was just THERE for anything. I was very active, moving from the fit ball, to all fours, to swaying in his arms, to standing and rocking. By about 12:30 I wasn’t playing hypnobabies tracks because I preferred the silence. Also, surprisingly I didn’t use my finger drop technique even though I had assumed I’d love it, because I preferred to be active through pressure waves. I had placed myself in center very early in the day though. It seemed like no time at all until my pressure waves were consistently 3 minutes apart and lasting 1 minute, and I think it was at this point that I started sighing through them very lightly. We decided to call the birth center and give them a heads up that we may be in within the next hour or so, and they were shocked by how calm both my husband and I were considering how close together the pressure waves were!

Things started changing. I was feeling a lot of pressure and I was also starting to feel tired. We decided I’d try lying on my side while my husband got together our last minute things. Lying down didn’t feel very good, and the pressure was continuing. So, we decided to go, it was close to 3:00 pm. I felt totally calm, and while intense the pressure waves felt totally manageable, and I think it was because I was so trusting of my body’s ability to do what it knew how to do. I felt no concern to evaluate what I was experiencing, or control it. Also, I found myself smiling after every wave, I felt so hopeful!

Even though we live a 5 minute drive from the hospital I had a pressure wave in the car and another in the parking lot! Amazingly, we were still calm entering the birth center and the midwives seemed surprised. They have a policy of not checking progress for a while, so I didn’t need to worry about that, and they just got us settled into a room. Things get a little fuzzy here. I was still totally active: standing, on the ball, or on all fours. I felt immense pressure and kept trying to go the bathroom. You would have thought I’d figure out there was nothing there!  I remember feeling that this wasn’t really very fun anymore and that I was very tired. Later my mom told me that she knew things were getting serious, as pressure waves were about 2 minutes apart and 90 seconds long. I hadn’t stopped moving the entire birthing time, so my husband and mom strongly encouraged me to lie down. Laying there on my left side I went through what I now know was transformation. I was shaking almost uncontrollably; my husband was using the peace cue and stroking my head lightly while my mom was applying a gloriously warm rice pack to my back. I counted backwards from ten in my head over and over, as well as visualized myself in a boat with no oars riding the waves up and down. I was still only lightly sighing through the pressure waves and felt calm.

All of a sudden I had huge amounts of rest time in between the pressure waves. I just kept my eyes closed and enjoyed my husband stroking my head and my mom rubbing my back. A little while later there was this “oh my goodness” physical push that had nothing to do with my mind and everything to do with my body just doing its thing. That involuntarily pushing continued for 3 more pressure waves, and when the midwife finally arrived, my water burst with what felt like a tremendous force. She quickly scurried out of the room to get the warm things for the baby (EXCLAMATION POINTS WENT OFF IN MY HEAD WHEN I HEARD THAT!), and when she came back asked if I’d like to move to a different position. We moved me to a kneeling position, leaning over the back of the bed. I will admit, at this point I felt a little panicky…and I expressed verbally that I felt frightened. I think saying it out loud allowed me to address that I felt afraid and then perhaps move forward from the fear. I was consistently reminding myself that the more relaxed I remained the easier it would be for my body to work. I was amazed how easy it was to convince myself to relax.

Pushing was not hard for me at all, in the sense that it came very naturally to me and my body was working so powerfully. Also, I had so effectively breathed our baby down through the pressure waves that I really only started pushing involuntarily when her head was literally right there. I will never forget how happy I felt when someone said, “Your baby has hair!” At the same time, I totally underestimated how hard work it was! I was sooo sweaty hot, and I kept asking if I was doing anything. Everyone kept saying, “oh yes, you are doing something!” My husband was there, kissing my head, holding my hand, and just being someone to look at when I was feeling overwhelmed. He was an incredible rock.

The feeling of pressure and stretching were not pain free (some hypnobabies mamas have pain free births). I think I said "ouch!" a few times, and I also found myself feeling so afraid of the next pressure wave because of how intense the pressure and stretching was. There came a point where I just had to decide that I was going to allow my body to work through what I was feeling and give it a little more personal effort as well.

The midwife (who was applying wonderful hot compresses!) said that in a few minutes she’d let me know to switch to short breathy pushes. However, I got it in my mind that I was all in and bore down powerfully. Out SHOT her head. The moment her head popped out was probably the most vocal I got because I was so shocked! I gave a little yell. Then, before I knew it her shoulders were out and then her body…and all I had to do was breath. In that moment, I forgot everything and immediately just wanted to hold our baby. I don’t remember, but apparently I was saying, “Hi baby, I’m your mama, I’m your mama!” Those were the words I’d uttered to her so many times as I practiced hypnobabies and met her in our special safe place. It was perfect, I cannot describe the relief. I was bloody, exposed, sweaty, flabby…and I didn’t care! I was in my husbands arms and my arms cradled our baby. Everything else was forgotten as I gazed at our perfect little Angel....

Mommy and Baby resting after our big adventure of birth!!!

 It was SUCH a beautiful birthday. 

In the next blog I have a few reflections on Liliana's birthday and the hypnobabies methodology. I hope you enjoy them and those of you preparing for some little Angel's birthday may find them helpful.

We love you! XOXO

The American Dream

Hello dear loved ones! ( I wrote this a week ago but just now am getting internet access to post it!)

I am here at Joe’s work with him (on Monday night), and thanks to the generosity of Joe’s gym manager have a computer at my disposal. A perfect time to update you all a little more while my handsome love brings home the bacon (quite literally these days due to my constant bacon desire!)…

We are 38 weeks pregnant today, and I get the sense this little person is quite comfortable in her warm womb. She still seems to have plenty of room to move and manoeuvre, which makes ME feel like she might never want to come out!  It’s ok, I trust she will be born at the perfect time, whenever she is ready! I certainly feel very pregnant, slow and lumbering and just plain ungraceful these days...not to mention I may or may not cry at the drop of a pin!

We celebrated our first Anniversary this weekend (which I will reflect on in another blog), but needless to say it was a perfect weekend! Joe and I got our hair cut on Saturday AND we went to confession, so now our insides and outsides are all ready for baby to arrive J

We sort of celebrated one year of marital bliss all weekend, which involved delicious noodle-box takeout on Saturday, a movie-night in on Saturday night, a big brunch on Sunday morning, and scrumptious Italian dinner on Sunday night. Oh, I forgot to mention that on Saturday night we re-created our honeymoon feasting with a Mediterranean picnic on our living room floor – complete with olive loaf, cheese, fruits and meats of all sorts, and of course dark chocolate. It was a weekend of true BLISS!

One of our many meals on our honeymoon. I miss Italy!!!! (And drinking wine) :)

 Joe played his final home game on Saturday, which was truly bittersweet for both of us. It has been such a challenging year for his basketball team. It is never fun to be part of a team on a losing streak, nor to have to navigate coaching changes/ losing players/ feelings of not playing to one’s full potential on the court. However, he played so strongly on Saturday, scoring 18 points, playing 37 minutes, and of course also supporting his team by being a super strong defensive player, rebounder, and setting up plays. I burst with pride when I watch my husband play basketball, and I will always be grateful for this opportunity to have witnessed him playing the sport he loves at a professional level.

Soo, the American Dream? Yes, he has been called that here. He amassed quite a fan base over the season, and at one particular home game one of his friends went into the announcer’s box and asked them to announce him as Joe Packard, “the American Dream”, the next time he was subbed on. Well, needless to say it stuck! Soooo hilarious. Joe doesn’t particularly love it, but I don’t mind if people think he is dreamy ;)

Anyhow, that is the little update for now! I am truly amazed, when I look at how we live our day to day to life here, at how far we’ve come in terms of operating here. I remember how frightened I used to be to venture out of the house. I was scared of driving, scared of ordering food at restaurants, scared of crossing the road because I always looked the wrong way, scared of having conversations with people because I never “got” their sense of humour. And now, here we are! I have learned so much about my ability to adapt, and about OUR ability to learn and grow together, conquering any challenge as long as we are side by side.

I have been reminiscing about summers of old due to the Stampede happening at the moment in Calgary. I can’t wait to bring our little girl to the Stampede and dress her up in her cowgirl duds! Needless to say, we miss you all terribly, but we are doing well and of course HAPPY!

Lots of love from Down Under!

xoxo

If I Could Only Tell Her...

Dearest Ones, how we miss you! We are well here though, so very peaceful and so deeply happy. Thank you for praying for us!

Well, I'm not sure about those of you who have been pregnant before, but for me this pregnancy has been a time of deep thought about my relationship with my mom. Mostly, I have moments of heart break thinking about how much I know she has loved me, and how often I've failed to receive her love or to return it like I should. If I could only tell my little daughter these things...

"When your Mama wants to have a nap and hold you close in cuddles, don't wriggle away and complain...one day you will be too big to fit in the crook of her arm! (The same goes for sitting on her lap or putting your head on her shoulder!) You will one day be a grown lady and wish for the comfort and security of mother's arms again."

"Don't think you are "too big" to hold her hand when you are still really little. Her heart will break a little bit on the day you are too cool, and yet she'll put on a smiley face and let you go anyhow. Don't rush it!"

"When she feeds you healthy food, and sends healthy snacks to school for you, try to remember that she is creating a healthy lifestyle for you, and she would probably find it alot easier to give you the dunkaroos you keep begging for!"

"Understand that when you have woes at school and with friends, she spends nights awake worrying. Try to be easy on her!"

"When you are a little older (like 14) you might feel very grown up but you are still your mama's little girl! Please be understanding when she has a hard time accepting that you might want to go away  for school, or chase dreams. Also, be easy on her when she asks you to wait, chances are she knows what is best for you!"

"When you are still older (but still her baby), and find yourself ugly when you look in the mirror...think about the anguish you might cause your mama who thinks you are the most beautiful oldest daughter she could ever ask for. Let her love you, cry in her arms, and let her take care of you. You don't have to be grown up before your time, and you certainly don't have to be tough all the time!"

"Don't ever tell her you hate her, because you never really do. It might seem like the most hurtful thing you could say in the moment, and it just might be, but why would you ever say something like that when you don't mean it?"

"When she is worried about someone you are dating, or a group of friends you might have, listen to her concerns...chances are her instincts are spot on."

"Call her, pray for her, hug her, love her, tell her you are sorry, tell her she is the most beautiful lady you've ever seen, tell her that she is your heroine and role-model, never let her forget that she is still the one person in the whole wide world that knows your heart in her special, perfect way."

Mama-Mia and all of her daughters....what a beautiful Mom we have!

I love my Mom so much and my heart is full to bursting with gratitude for just how she has loved me over the years. The little list above only scratches the surface of how well I have been loved. Now, on the verge of meeting my own daughter (unless of course "she" is actually a "he"!!), I feel a strange mixture of confidence and child-like fear. In one way I am ready for the adventure of motherhood, and on the other hand I only want the security of my own mother's arms. Perhaps this will never change!

Thank you Mama, for loving us with such self-donation!

Lots of Love from OZ. I can't wait to hug so many of you!

xoxo

Pregnancy Tool Kit

Hello again our dear ones near and far away! I hope this July day finds you all well and very happy. I am currently layered up with leggings, a skirt, and two sweaters. Brrrr, it’s chilly! However, I also just finished eating an orange popsicle, I couldn’t resist! A pregnant girl has got to do what shes got to do J

Yes, I eat popsicles all day long lately!!! My favorite are orange and sprite flavored, Joe has taken quickly to fudgsicles. We have a collection in our freezer :) 

Today, for something completely different I wanted to share (with those of you who might be interested) some of the tools that have helped me have such a fabulous, healthy pregnancy. I started off this pregnancy reeling from the emotions of the experience and all of my fears (superficial and deep) regarding this journey. It motivated me to pursue a healthy, vital pregnancy. In the process, I’ve learned that unfortunately most women are fed with the message that pregnancy is a condition that must be managed instead of a natural and beautiful process. I think in the end, constantly hearing that message can lead to a lot of undue fear and painful experiences. 

Of course, I recognize that every woman is different, every baby is different, and every pregnancy is different. Thus, there isn't just one "right way" to be pregnant or manage pregnancy. Some need more intervention and management, and that is OK too! But, here are some of the things that have helped me!

WARNING: this blog is LONG, if pregnancy doesn't interest you, you may want to skip to the last paragraph :)

The first has been my beautiful Hypnobabies Childbirth Preparation Course. Now, this is a course that teaches hypnosis for childbirth, and at first hypnosis sounded really out there and wonky to me. However, Hypnobabies is really about learning to deeply relax and also to reprogram your psyche to view pregnancy as normal, natural, healthy, and safe. The hour or so that I’ve spent each day since about 25 weeks learning about my body and bonding with our little girl has been so utterly invaluable. Moreover, it is a complete childbirth course, so there is tons of information about nutrition (including encouragement to gain SUFFICIENT weight during pregnancy, yay!), and exercise. Husbands are involved also, and I can’t wait to try my tools out on Liliana’s birthday. However, even if her birth should take any unexpected turns, I will use Hypnobabies for affirmation and reassurance in every subsequent pregnancy.

http://www.hypnobabies.com/

The second is positive birth stories and birth videos! I have spent much time reading positive birth stories and watching videos of beautiful, peaceful births on youtube. I think that it really helps to feel united to other women, to see their strength, and to have first hand witnesses of how beautiful and strengthening birth can be, despite its intensity and oftentimes the pain. When I feel worries, especially when bombarded with other women’s horror stories or the oh-so-popular phrase “you’ll give in and get the drugs,” I just watch a video or read a birth story, or look at the GORGEOUS photos by birth photorapher Lynsey Stone J

http://www.blogger.com/goog_1586284803

http://www.blogger.com/goog_1586284803

http://www.youtube.com/user/EnjoyBirth

http://www.dfwbirthphotographer.com



Third and more recently is information about optimal fetal positioning. It has been revealed to me that there is a perfect position for babies to be born in! Statistically, this position allows for quicker labors, perfect head positioning, and therefore calmer mamas! Specifically this is anterior (facing mom’s back), chin tucked, and with the fetal spine to maternal left. It is shocking to me that women aren’t told about this more, because we can actually encourage our babies into this position in the last 4-6 weeks of pregnancy. It involves almost no time reclining, and lots of time on all fours or leaning forward, but I feel like that is a worthwhile little sacrifice. Check out these websites:

http://www.spinningbabies.com/

http://fruitfulvines.blogspot.com/search/label/Baby%20Positions

All of the different positions our wee ones can assume in utero!

Fourth is Exercise!!! Now, I have been fortunate enough to feel well enough to exercise throughout pregnancy. However, while I started out doing what I normally would in the gym, I obviously had to revise. Now, I get into the weight room maybe twice a week and do arms and lots of squats (and at the same time frighten to death all the macho men in there with my ginormous belly!). The other two or so times I work out, I use my amazing MommyShape Prenatal DVD, which I bought from www.amazon.com. Taught by a woman who is 35 weeks pregnant, the dvd was too easy for me in second trimester but has been perfect in the third. It is a mix of yoga, dancing, and light weights (I use soup cans). Liliana loves the dancing portion and always gets her little self going before dropping off to sleep. What a sweetie!

http://www.mommyshape.net

This is what the cover of the DVD looks like :)



Fifth, but  most important is Spiritual Preparation. Joe and I have just devoured “Parenting with Grace” by Gregory and Lisa Popcak. (http://www.amazon.com/Parenting-Grace-Gregory-K-Popcak/dp/1592766854/ref=sr_1_2?ie=UTF8&qid=1310370958&sr=8-2We)We only read up to and including the chapter on parenting infants, but it truly helped us understand better our vocation to parenthood and the responsibility of teaching this little one about the Father’s love from her first moments. Moreover, it has reminded us of the importance of a strong and passionate marital love as we parent. I would highly recommend the book to anyone who is interested. We read it outloud together, little by little, and I know we will return to it many times in the future.

Well, this has certainly been a novel! BUT, I hope that it provides some help to whoever may be early in their pregnancy and looking for little ways to have a joyful, beauty-filled baby growing. Tomorrow I will write about the “American Dream” himself, my husband. And yes, he has been called that here.

We love you! Prayers from OZ,



Letter to Liliana

My Dearest Little Lady,

Well, Mother's day is coming up, our first Mother's day of many to come. I am excited for this one, that I get to spend so close with you, feeling you move and grow in my belly. I think it is a very lucky first Mother's day to have! There are so many things happening, so very quickly now that you and I are in our third trimester. I can't believe that your beautiful birth day is 3 months away. Oh how I can't wait to meet you and hold you, and kiss your cute little nose.

You are getting very big now! I can't bend over to put my socks or shoes on, and if I try you always remind me with a fiesty little kick that you are there and don't like being squished.

You like to spend most of your time very low in my belly and with what seems to be your back pressed up against me. Often Daddy and I can make out the shape of your little body, and then it looks like you are trying to escape straight through my belly button when you start moving around and making all sorts of odd shapes out of my abdomen.

You really hurt my back these days, upper and lower! I have lots of pain in my ribs, maybe because you are crowding my lungs? I don't know, and I'll probably never know as you won't be able to tell me when you are finally in our arms! Daddy has become a hero doing lots of the house work and taking care of me, because sometimes the only relief is to put my feet up with a hot pack.

You MUST be growing because Mommy is soooo hungry. I usually wake up in the night and my stomach is growling away. You make me want to eat lots of sweets, especially first thing in the morning. Who knew Easter Eggs tasted so good before real eggs?

You seem to move and kick more than you sleep. It is so cute when you get the hiccups, and lots of times you start moving if we are playing music. You always move when Daddy talks to you through Mommy's belly button, and when he puts his cheek against you, you like to give him a little kick and let him know you are there.

Yesterday I saw/felt either a little foot or a little knee sticking out on the left side, it was so cute and I keep imagining what your little feet will look like! Will they be long and skinny like your daddy's?

I have dreams of you alot, and in my dreams I get to hold you. You always have lots of dark hair!! To tell you the truth, you always look alot like me in my newborn pictures, maybe because it is hard to imagine a perfect little person that is a combination of your daddy and me. It is just so amazing!

On that last note, I really hope you get your daddy's gorgeous hands and fingers. If you do, not only will you be an amazing athlete but you could be a fabulous musician. Oh, the opportunities are endless!

Mommy and Daddy are still living in Australia. It's been a really big challenge, and to tell you the truth you are the brightest light in our lives right now. Even though it's hard to make ends meet, we can't imaging not having you in our lives, you make everything worth it!

I am really hoping that you are born before Daddy's last basketball game (July 31), even though your "guess date" is August 1. I just want you to "see" him play!! He is such a hero, you are going to be soooo proud of your daddy, and you are going to feel so safe whenever he is with you.

You seem pretty stubborn, much more like me than like daddy. I don't know how possible it is to tell personality in the womb, but you seem to be pretty assertive in there! Oh dear, what have I gotten myself into? Hopefully your daddy, who is cool as a cucumber, can rub off on you a little bit.

Oh, and by the way I have been doing lots of work to prepare for your beautiful birthday. Mommy is learning hypnobabies, in the hopes that your birthday is beautiful and peaceful. I want you to come in the world in a peaceful and gentle way. I wouldn't mind if you cooperated with me :)

Well my sweet Liliana Joy, that's all for now! I love you so much, thank you for being my daughter...I feel like the luckiest lady in the world to be celebrating her first mother's day as your mama! Keep growing big and strong!!!

xoxo...... Mama

Belly Button Sweat :)

That's right, you read it correctly, belly.button.sweat. We have now reached the stage in Liliana's growth and development that her mama's belly button has become very flat. It is not an innie, it is not an outie, it is just straight across. For that very reason, I get a circle of sweat where my flat belly button is every time that I work out. We joke that Liliana is working hard too, thats her little armpit sweating. If anything pregnancy is verrrry good for humility!

I came across a beautiful quote the other day about pregnancy, so beautiful that I thought I'd share with you all. I know that every single mom, grandma, great-grandma out there will identify with it!

"Pregnancy is itself a symbol of deep hospitality. It is the giving of one's body to the life of another. It is a sharing of all that we have, our cell structure, our bloodstream our food, our oxygen. It is saying 'welcome' with every breath and every heartbeat. And for many others that welcome is given irrespective of the demands made on one's own comfort, health or ease of life. For the demands of this hospitality are greater than almost any of our own. And the growing fetus is made to know that here is love, here are warm lodgings, here is a place of safety. In hiding and in quiet the miraculous growth can take place."

Elaine Storkey

It is Holy Week, almost Easter! I can hardly believe it!!! Do you have anything special planned, our dear loved ones? It is always so hard being away from family during beautiful celebrations such as this, but Joe and I have been invited to Easter lunch and to a bbq on Easter Saturday, so we will be very well taken care of!

I'll leave you with a beautiful Matt Maher Song, to contemplate His sacrifice for us this week. We must remember that anything we have been through, He has suffered already for us! Pain, rejection, loneliness, fear...we should run to His arms.

We love you, our dear ones, and we miss you so deeply. We often lie in bed at night and day-dream about the next time we get to see you, and then we write down all of the things we can't wait to do with you and show you.

Have a beautiful Holy Week! xoxoxo

Speaking of Babies...

Hello dearest ones, it's that time again! I've got my orange juice at MacDonald's and am finally sitting down to write a little update. My darling husband is at work, oh how I love him, he works so hard for us! Did you all know he ended up with black eyes two weeks ago? Here is a picture of the night it happened. Unfortunately we never got a picture the next day, he looked quite shocking. Doubly unfortunately he kept telling people that his wife was trying to put him in line. NOT TRUE! Haha, I think very few believed him. It was actually a very nasty basketball game...hard to watch for the preggo wife in the stands!

Still SOOOOOO dashing if I do say so myself!

Anywho, as those of you who have been pregnant before probably know, it is hard to think of little else! Especially now that our sweet Liliana's kicks are sooo strong and often, I am constantly day dreaming about our beautiful little girl. She is well over a pound now, and large and in charge! We received some glorious packages from Auntie Libby and Auntie Ciara, who both put so much heart and love into sending things for her. I'm not going to lie, I have unpacked and refolded her drawer about 4 times now just to look at the cuteness! We are about due for a new picture, but for thos of you who aren't on facebook, here is a picture at 23 weeks.



Here we are at a Sorrento beach, thanks to Joe's great boss who played host and tour guide for us!

 Anyhow, it is an interesting experience because, as it becomes undeniable that I'm pregnant, more and more people get brave about asking about the circumstances of her conception! Most assume she was a "mistake," or a "shock" or a "mishap." There are those who assume that her conception was a contraceptive failure, and others who assume that her conception was a natural family planning failure, but almost NONE who assume that she is a result of our decision to be open to new life in our marriage! People cautiously asked, "so, is this pregnancy a GOOD thing?"  I do not feel the need to defend our family, because I truly don't care what people think, but I do want people to know that a) natural family planning (nfp)works perfectly, and b) part of Catholic marriage is the month to month discernment process of what God wants for our marriage in this moment. Joe and I both felt very strongly that if, at any point, we were putting ourselves in a position that we had to delay pregnancy for selfish reasons than we wanted to change that, because we didn't see any other serious or grave reasons for postponing pregnancy. Thank the good Lord, because now we have this beautiful little one who we love more than anything and can't wait to meet. So, to all of those curious types, she is here because God had a marvelous plan for her life, and we are so excited to cooperate with Him.

In other, less serious news, Joe's team is down 2 losses to 1 win in their season, so they are seriously looking for a win tomorrow! With two of their most senior and "scoring" players missing, it is going to be an intense game. I better put on lots of deodorant :)

 Well, our loved ones, that is all for now. We are seriously missing my side of the family who are celebrating Nanny and Papa's 50th wedding anniversary with a trip to the Holy Land.  Please keep them and their safety in your prayers! We love you all and miss you so very much, the autumn leaves are falling here in Melbourne, I hope the green grass is starting to poke through for you in North America.

Love always, xoxoxo

And little Liliana!

Blessed Are We!

Dearest Ones,

The days are just flying by and I'm sorry that I've been sooo slack on updating our blog! I'm not sure if many of you saw the blog before this, with little tidbits from our life, but needless to say we've been busy and, as usual, so very peace and joy-filled!

I want to take a moment to reflect on just how blessed we are to, at this point in our lives, have so very little. No, I am not in ANY way looking for pity,  and we are in NO way destitute, but I simply can't help but share how amazing life can be when pennies are being counted. I know many of you know that we've had trouble finding Joe a fulltime job, and with the cost of living here in Australia times have been tight. 5 months ago I had terror in my heart at the thought of being "poor." I was so influenced by all the messages we receive that tell us we simply can't be happy without things and money. I wondered if we had been stupid in our openness to concieving a baby in the midst of all of the uncertainty...and I had moments of doubting whether, in fact, God would provide! I have learned a most valuable and life-long lesson. I never knew how amazing the 2.50 hotdog deal at costco actually tasted until it became our date. I never knew the utter joy of a new pair of socks to workout in, nor the feeling of victory in stretching a very small food budget to feed a very big man! I never knew how much I could come to treasure just "being" instead of "having." I never anticipated how easy it would be to live without my guilty pleasures like magazines and chewing gum. I simply never foresaw the heroic love of my husband in providing for my family and sacrificing his favorite things (like scotch!). I never knew that my best friend in the world could become even more dear to my heart when he is the only thing I have to hold onto. I had never experienced God's incredible Providence, that somehow whenever we need something, it comes through...whenever I feel desperate a package arrives with some money or a meal arrives at the door. I am so grateful that we have had this struggle, and I hope that I never forget it! We are so blessed.

Joe had an absolutely unbelievable first game last weekend, (maybe giving up the scotch is helping him jump higher!). He started the game with a massive dunk, at which the whole crowd went nuts! He played hard the whole game, almost giving me a heart attack multiple times we landed with a loud thump on the floor. He finally scored an incredible fadeaway threepointer from the far right corner of the court to bring the team within one point of the game. Unfortunately they lost by that one point, but Joe walked off that court a total hero. I was SO PROUD! Our little girl kicked the whole game, I think she didn't know quite what to think of all the noise, and of course she probably felt my heart accelerating like crazy too!!  You can keep up with his stats via this link http://www.sportingpulse.com/team_info.cgi?player=Joe+Packard&action=PSTATS&player_id=192311270&client=0-913-15120-151640-14597519

We have named our wee one, and we just love calling her by name. She is LILIANA JOY PACKARD. Her name is Italian and it means lilies, which is the flower of the Eucharist and a symbol of purity. She will be Lyla for short, as Lily is a very popular name at the moment so we want to stay away from that. We are so happy with her name and every day when I look at her picture I can't help but think how perfectly it suits her!

Well, that is all for now! It is a beautiful feast day of the Annunciation here today, I can't believe that it is 9 months until Christmas!! However, Lent and Easter first! We pray you are having a beautiful spring (for those in North American) and autumn (for those here!). We love you and of course pray for you every day, thank you for blessing our lives with your love! xoxo

Emily and baby Liliana

Little Tidbits

Dearest Loved Ones, our lives have been so very busy! I am sorry for not writing more...but we've been thinking about all of our loved ones and missing you so very much. We are very well here! The weather has turned cool and crisp, which makes both of us think of Thanksgiving dinner and pumpkin spice lattes, but that is ok we will adjust ;) It is so nice to sleep with the cool, fresh air blowing in the house.

I think I had better put our updates in bullet form or else you will never have time to read anything!

1. We are having a little GIRL! Yesterday Joe and I had an ultrasound (our first one), and we got to see her sweet little face, hands, feet, spine, legs, arms, even teensy bum. We asked the ultrasound tech. to write her sex down and then we went on a lunch date and opened it together. So much fun! Here is a picture of her recent growth spurt ...as seen through Mama's stomach (for those who havn't seen this pic).

 2. My incredible husband has been very busy! He picked up someone's shifts while they are on vacation, thus meaning that he works most days from 6:00 am until 9:30 pm (some days he has a break!). I am just so blessed to have him. For those of you who know Joe, you know how much he likes his sleep. 4:30 am is quite the sacrifice!

3. However, I suppose the mantra "work hard, play hard" could apply to us also! We have been so lucky to meet friends who take such good care of us. We have had dinner with the Hudec family (currently expecting identical twins!), been on a lovely hike out to King Lake with Joe's manager, and even found time for pizza picnics and beer bong (just the two of us) on Saturday night. Also, we went to The Belgian Beer Cafe in St. Kilda with Joe's basketball team. He is playing with such a great group of men and I think we both left there feeling super grateful! Finally, we even made it into the state library on a Saturday to take a look at a children's book illustration exhibit. It was fascinating! Here are some pictures of our trip to the city and beer pong date night. 

 My Handsome Hubby in front of the state Library...this is on Swanston Street in downtown Melbourne!

 I told you his muscles were getting big! How good lookin' is my man? I am a lucky woman! Joe won...even though I was playing with apple juice/soda water. GOSH!

Delicious! Thanks Gin for the Table cloth/picnic blanket...great shower gift!

Anyhow, I should sign off as I am in the library trying to get some school work done. It is difficult now that there is so much cute girl clothes to look at online! Must. Focus. We love you dear friends and loved ones. We miss you and pray for you every day. I hope you are all having a beautiful start to Lent, what a gorgeous and hope-filled season.  XOXO

(AND THE LITTLE LADY)

Ecclesiastes 11:5

“As you do not know the path of the wind, or how the body is formed in a mother’s womb, so you cannot understand the work of God, the Maker of all things."

Well I am sitting here on a very rainy Friday night, and with a sigh of relief I write this blog because it means that life is settling down and returning to normal (whatever that is!). I have rescued the neighbor's dog from the pelting rain, his family is not home yet, and so he is laying here with me and it is nice to have the companionship of this quirky little dog while Joe is off at work. I'll have to take a picture of him, he has a deformed paw which sits ever so cutely to the side when he is still...and when Joe and I leave he sticks his little face under the gate and watches us drive away. It is enough to break your heart! Joe says that’s what I look like watching out the window when he leaves for work, so I suppose this little puppy dog and I have enough in common.

I sigh also because life is so full of mystery...and so many events in our lives remind me of that lately. This little one growing mysteriously in my womb (more on that in a minute), the uncertainties of the paths our lives will take and the will of God for them, the frightening storms and natural disasters that have left so many people homeless or afraid in other parts of Australia. I know for now we are so very happy, and pray every day that we walk in the path God intends for us to walk, but it is all a mystery and sometimes frighteningly so.

Practically, we are doing amazingly well! Ever since we've moved into our little apartment it has been nothing but joy. For the first time I've felt truly peaceful with the idea of being here in Melbourne for a few years, and I think it's because we have a little home, a safe haven that is shelter from all of the sometimes scary and overwhelming realities of the big world out there. I am a 25 year old woman saying that the world is scary, but sometimes (especially since this move) I feel very little and very insecure. It is amazing how small you can feel once you start to realize just how big the world is and what a task it is to walk through that world and be a person of light.

Our apartment is beautiful. The first night here was truly hilarious (although at the time I wanted to cry). We'd been planning a beautiful spaghetti and meatball dinner for our first night in our new house. Of course, getting used to the fact that we have a makeshift kitchen made the process for cooking the dinner about 20x longer than it needed to be. We finally ate around 11:00 pm, and I felt so exhausted I really could care less if we were eating anchovies with their heads on. We finished only to have to attempt to do the dishes. Not having established the kick-butt system we have going now for washing the dishes in the shower, we got spaghetti sauce EVERYWHERE. The floors were covered, the mirrors were covered, and we were covered...and sweaty, and so unimpressed. I thought, "no way no how." But, if you can believe it, we are pros now, I can't even imagine it being any other way and I've been able to cook beautiful gourmet meals using our limited resources with ease. We are so excited that this is our starter house. It is the best thing that could have happened for us!

I started school, an intensive course called "Current Controversies in Bioethics."  It was a super intense week of school all day, however I am absolutely blessed beyond compare to be studying under one of the most recognized (and perhaps sometimes most hated) bioethicist in the nation. I will write more about Dr. Nicholas Tonti-Fillipini in my next blog, but suffice it to say I am truly humbled to be studying under such a man of greatness...I'll leave that as a hook to get you to read the next blog :)

Baby, yes baby has grown beyond belief! I can't believe how big he/she has gotten...apparently we don't have twins on either side of the family so it seems that baby is simply big. I wonder if perhaps our sweet pea has inherited Joe's long limbs and that’s why they've announced their presence through a big, round baby bump. It is such a joy to be "showing" mostly because it has allowed Joe to become more a part of the pregnancy. The sweetest moments are when he talks to our baby, tells him or her about the pond in Lindale, and all of the exciting adventures they will have together. I think our baby is going to know their daddy's voice very well.

I'd be lying if I said that I was finding pregnancy easy. I'm not; I'm finding the emotional journey very difficult! I've struggled very much with the reality of my body and my life from now on not being under my 'control' anymore. It is almost as though I've grieved over the loss...as superficial as I know it is I can't deny that I've felt so sad and frightened! It has made me really dig deep and examine where I place my self worth, where my securities lie, and in whom I seek my affirmation. It has also made me realize the pressures society places on us to be perfect, as society sees perfection, and with the commercialization of pregnancy it's hard to keep up! So, I continue to be prayerful and patient...and I continue to tell our baby that Joe and I do this all because we love them so SO much.  Not for one moment have my struggles made me regret our decision to be open to this new little life. Even though I've never even seen our baby's face I can already not imagine a world without them in it. There is a beautiful Matt Maher song which is a wonderful reminder of what it is to be truly alive in the only One that matters:

I will leave you with that...such a very long post but there is so much to catch you all up on, our dear and truly missed loved ones. We pray for you all, everyday. We think about you in your journeys and hope that you are finding true joy in them. We love you, and we can't wait to talk to you soon.

xoxo

The Little Converse

One month ago I wrote my last blog post....and since then I've been suffering from a serious case of the "uninspired writer." Now, there are several reasons why I felt so uninspired, but the most prominent one was the fact that Joe and I were keeping a fabulous big secret around which my whole world seemed to be revolving and nothing else seemed to matter! Yes, that's right, Baby Packard is on the way...or, if you are Joe "little bear." We finally have someone in our lives to wear the teeny tiny converse high tops we are in possession of!  But, before I delve into that I want to wish all of our loved ones, far and near, a very happy year 2011. We have been thinking of all of our dearest ones, missing you, praying for you, contemplating all of the fabulous places that your lives are leading you. We will continue to do so!

So, back to our sweet little one, there is just so much on my heart! It's been an interesting few months, and certainly the experience of being newly pregnant (for the first time) is not totally what I expected it to be. Joe and I were totally open to the gift of a little life to take care of, so I was not shocked at all, yet at the same time I found myself, in the days that followed discovering our pregnancy, to be wondering if it was all a big dream. In an odd way, I found myself thinking that if I were to discover that it was, I might feel relieved! Truly, in a way that I did not imagine, in one moment my whole life changed, our whole life changed. I was going back and forth between jubilation and trepidation, so many thoughts going through my head at one time ranging from "what color of hair will our baby have?," to "how in heaven's name am I going to be a wife, mama, and masters degree student?", to "am I open to putting on the weight necessary to carry this tiny little thing?", to "whyyyyyyy did we move so far away from our family???". In retrospect, some of my thoughts and questions were entirely superficial, but they were my thoughts! I told Joe the day that I found out, but I waited all day, from 8 am until 9 pm when he finally arrived home from work!! I wrote him a card telling him how much I loved him, and then at the bottom I put the ps: you are a daddy!. I was really shaking, I don't know why, but it's like my heart and psyche were, in their deepest part, aware of what life-altering news I was sharing. Joe was immediately ecstatic, but he did have to sit down and breath deeply for a moment :) The next day we went for a celebratory market trip, bought me and baby some prenatal vitamins and Joe a victory beer, sat in the park and just marvelled. There is something quite wonderful about knowing that you have a little soul in your life that no one even knows exists yet! Quite soon we did tell our parents. Initially we had thought to wait until Christmas but I immediately had questions for my mom and we felt the need for support. Honestly, I thought I know a decent amount about babies from taking care of siblings but as soon as we found out we were expecting I felt totally clueless. We told our parents over skype, by sending them a file while we were video-chatting. This is the file they received...and, of course, they were elated. We are so blessed to have parents that are open to our openness. Praise God!

I know that many in our lives have questions about what this means for our plans, so I will try to answer some FAQs:

1.  What does this mean for Emily's grad school? I am continuing with my master's degree as planned. I start on January 24th so of course I feel nervous. The goal is to finish almost a full year of degree before Baby is born, which means I will be participating in quite a few "intensive" courses so as to accomplish that. Then, after that we will discern, but the plan is that I will continue to attend night classes a few nights a week, and Joe can accompany us to take care of our little one and bring him or her to me when he or she needs to eat. Yes, we recognize that there may be challenges along the way, but we will simply take one day at a time.

2. So, is Baby going to be born in Melbourne? Yes, wonderfully enough through my international student health insurance my pregnancy is 80% covered and so we are booked into the Family Birth Center in Heidelberg, Victoria. The center is a midwife center and Joe and I feel very positive that it is a great place for us!

3. Due date? Well, Baby is tentatively due August 1...we will confirm when we have an ultrasound!

Yes, another big step in our journey. While it is overwhelming, we couldn't feel more blessed! I look back on the last years of my life and from the move to Dallas, to engagement and marriage to Joe, graduation, the move to Melbourne, and finally this pregnancy, it has been an absolute whirlwind. Do I have moments of feeling the need to breath? Yes, totally. If I allow myself to feel sorry for myself, I crave what, in my mind, is "normal." A husband who works 8-5, a cute little house, friends who we can have over for dinner, weekends in the mountains. Yet, when I stop to think about it I'm pretty sure everyone has a "normal" that they crave, and secondly it is undeniable that the more we trust the more we are totally showered with gifts and blessings. Those gifts and blessings make it so apparent to me that we are called to persevere. And so, we do, with great joy! I'm certainly not the best at living the joy I know we've been given, but I have an awesome husband who reminds me to look for every day miracles. Thank you, Joe, and thank you God for knowing better than I do what and who I need.

Well, that's it for now and hopefully the uninspired feeling stays at bay for a little while. Until then, though, know how much we love you and pray for you. We thank you for your prayers, congratulations and love.  We miss you, dear loved ones!

xoxo