Moments of Grace: In the Fullness of TIme

I remember when we lost our second baby, Tristan, to miscarriage. It was hard to understand or accept why God would allow such a thing to happen. Yet, when Tristan's due date came and I was already pregnant with Judah, it made sense to me. Holding sweet Judah in my arms as a tiny one and whispering his name to him which means, "to praise",  I knew that in the fullness of time God had allowed such a suffering as a pregnancy loss for such a glory as Judah's beautiful life.

The moment of Judah's accident last week keeps me awake at night. The juxtaposition of the happy and delightful moments before is hard for my soul to digest. It had been an intense week, and I'd been caught up in the to-dos before we departed for Texas. On that day, with the sun shining and my children laughing and playing so delightedly, I made a conscious decision to just BE and PLAY for as long as we could.

I sat there gazing at our darlings playing and in a moment everything changed, as his little leg was broken in front of my eyes, and my whole being unable to stop it from happening. Delighted laughs to pain in an instant.

I have had to work to make peace with the fact that God allowed it to happen. Such a suffering, body and soul, for our son....and then I realized something beautiful!

Our Ezekiel is big...huge as a matter of fact. He is 100th percentile for height, 96th for weight, and wearing clothing that Judah was wearing last summer. It has been comical trying to understand 2 brothers built so differently, or even comprehend why I was given this particular challenge of an absolutely enormous baby to tote around in a season of life where the demands on me were already intense enough. My arms, legs, and back are strong by necessity because of going through the daily rigours of motherhood with a ginormous hunk of love on my hips. 

And then, a few days ago, as I was carrying Judah from one place to another and he felt like an absolute feather, I realized that in the fullness of time this beautiful grace was allowed....that I would have the strength and stamina to tend to a child who was rendered immobile by an accident. While it is a slight inconvenience to carry him everywhere, it is not in any way too difficult for me physically. This gives sweet Judah a sense of being safe, secure, held, supported, and in no way a burden for us in his brokenness.

Outside of time, and in His eternal perspective, God the Father saw fit to give me this consolation....knowing the sadness of a child with a broken limb, and knowing that it would take extra strength to help him navigate this challenge without discouraging him, I was blessed with a super huge chunky baby to build my muscles up.

Truly it may seem far fetched, but I know for a fact, with deep Faith, that this gift has been given us. I revel in this small inkling of the workings of God's grace in the midst of our human freedom,  and I say, "thank you."

"Have you not known? Have you not heard? The Lord is the everlasting God, the Creator of the ends of the earth. He does not faint or grow weary, His understanding is unsearchable. He gives power to the faint, and to him who has no might He increases strength. Even youths shall faint and be weary, and young men shall fall exhausted; but they who wait for the Lord shall renew their strength, they shall mount up with wings like eagles, they shall run and not be weary, they shall walk and not faint."                

Isaiah 40: 28-31

Nothing's New

I tiptoe out of our children's bedroom, wincing as the ever squeaking doors break the silence,  I am half asleep thanks to the lulling effect of prayer time and snuggle time. I trip over a dump-truck in the hall way and sigh as I collect odds and sods from Liliana's creative play draped here there and everywhere. Depending on the night I settle next to Joe to watch the news or maybe The Voice and fold copious amounts of laundry, leaving it for the next day to put away. Chances are it will wait 2 or 3 days.

...

I stare out of our window as I watch our children shriek and play, my hands immersed in the soapy dishwater, a perfect vantage point. I wince as one of them falls or one of them screams at the other, pausing a moment to see if I have to make my way to them or if they can dust themselves off. My heart thrills to watch them, their sweet little bodies and blonde heads. My mind wanders to more babies and maybe a trampoline for the backyard if we can find an affordable one.

...

I find something new that is desperately in need of a clean. The inside of the microwave, the baseboards, the fridge, the bathroom. It never ends. I think how nice it would be if the day came that for just one hour everything was perfectly clean and I did not feel constant pressure for one more thing and one more thing. I know undoubtedly that if I prioritize an at-home workout the dust bunnies will taunt me from underneath the furniture.
...

Joe and I are busy and tired, we kiss each other softly as we wake to the quiet of the morning and sit beside each other as we say our prayers or do some reading. Each of our days has a rhythm and rhyme that is it's own and yet intertwined with the other, and every so often the day is capped off with a date. We love each other deeply and flirt through the day, and every so often we feel a little annoyed with each other. Yet we never ever go to bed angry, and I always find deep peace as we fall asleep, reaching over and putting my hand in his.

It was fun being the coaches wife! Busy, but truly fun!

...

I chip way at bad habits. Sometimes I stare at the ceiling in the middle of the night trying to make peace with the moments I lost my temper and berated a child, or gave Joe the cold shoulder, or should have denied myself that extra glass of wine and did not, or was lazy.

Truly, how could I ever be angry at these two goofs, right? I have no idea what game they were playing here!

...

We make lists, we dream, we scheme for simple family vacations. We peel back our layers and expose our wounds and faults, we work together for growth. Our children grow and thrive, 3/4 of the time we marvel at just how amazing they are and 1/4 of the time we wonder if our little blessings will send us to the loony bin and I feverishly seek out a parenting book for advice. 100 percent of the time, though, we cannot imagine our life without them. We pay bills, chip away at debt, do house repairs, pray cars last but a little longer, go to church, teach, clean, feed, kiss,  stress, learn, pray REPEAT.

Tender daily moments, sometimes a little one
just needs to be snuggled to sleep!

Daddy helping Liliana soar!

Important life lessons being learned every day :)

Nothing's new, the weeks and days blend into each other, each scenario I just described is a scenario on repeat in our house.

In the past I've felt odd when someone asks me , "how are things with you?" or "what's new?" and I have absolutely nothing to report other than, "things are really good, busy but happy, nothing new to report!"

Until it occurred to me that nothing new is a blessed reality. It seems we are conditioned to think that life is more meaningful when it is dramatic, so much so that we go out of our way to create drama for ourselves. At least for me, social media is a contributor to this because I see bits and pieces of everybody's charmed life without seeing any of the messy bits. I am guilty of this myself.

And yet, all around me there are families met by tragedy....sick children, sick mamas, daddy's with out work, deceased spouses, natural disaster, mental illness, marital problems....the list goes on and on. For these people there is lots of drama, and I'm sure they would give almost anything to have it turn back to the boring old of nothing new.

Mysteriously and beautifully, when I resign myself to the fact that nothing new is a blessed reality, my eyes opened to see the little miracles that make each day new and each moment fresh. Sure, we play in our back yard every day but my children's minds are growing and expanding so rapidly that they are always discovering something magical.  The mess is steady but seasons have changed and now instead of muddy bootprints we have dirty hand prints on the wall from digging in the garden in search of lady bugs.

Seeking little gratitudes and little miracles opens my eyes to the two little robins flirting in the yard, the books my husband is finishing that are contributing so greatly to his maturation and manly strength, a new workout conquered each day that helps me feel stronger and more confident, a new vocabulary word for one of our children. Each day, in all of its mundane, is filled with new miracles, little miracles, miracles entirely lacking drama yet contributing beautifully to our family's story.

And so nothing is new, and yet everything is.

May your day be full of little miracles,

xoxo

The Trenches

This morning was such a happy one. The sun is shining, country music is playing, and we even saw a little bird outside our window. This Sunday in Lent we had honey in our tea and on our biscuits, and are still all in our pyjamas as we do very day-of-rest type things. 

There are so many instagram mommies and blogger mommies whose beautiful feeds and stories sometimes make me feel as though every day should be like our Sunday morning was today. However, the truth is that most days feel more like the trenches than the glory days, and I am quite sure it is this way for most. 

In the past few months we have had several bouts with the flu, work stress for Joe, financial realities for our family, and family stress on both sides. These are on top of the day to day realities of a toddler and preschooler whose needs are mundane and immediate, bills, chores, jobs, and the always pervasive questions about meaning and fulfillment that are in each human heart.

The last five years have been glorious years, and they have also been made up of days that are mostly in-the-trenches sort of days. Something has become quite clear to me....there is no one that I would rather be in the trenches with than my Joseph.

I think sometimes we have the tendency to fight wildly to get out of the trenches, without acknowledging that truly this is the human condition. We are always trying to escape the suffering that is so natural to this condition we all have - that of being alive.

Some days, weeks, months or years we have to be OK sitting in the trenches and fighting the muddy battles. Perhaps this needs to be the question everyone asks when they are considering marriage. "Will this person be content sitting in the trenches with me? When I am muddy, tired, broken and afraid will they sit quietly with me and fight the good, unglamorous, hugely important fight?" In other words, "can we suffer together and emerge united and with a deeper, stronger love?"

Perhaps this post makes it seem as though the days have been very difficult. No, on the contrary, they have been full of joy! However, we are in a stage where our days are plodding days, and sometimes they all melt into one another with more of the same. 

Yet, our children are happy, healthy, and learning to love others and God before themselves which is a difficult lesson to teach little cave men! Our marriage is strong and we love each other more than we could have ever imagined. Our dreams are being refined and reformed and our hearts detached from the things that truly don't matter. 

And so, perhaps I should not contrast the days in the trenches with the glory days. Perhaps these days in the trenches ARE the glory days.

I am grateful.

30: Hopes and Dreams

Hopes and dreams. Is it not woven into the fabric of every human heart to dream? Is it not part of our human existence to be restless? In the weeks and months leading up to 30 a curious thing happened, which is that all of my more superficial hopes and dreams (travel, fitness, family) became rolled up into one neat little package. As I looked at my life and how it was speeding by, as I examined my tendency to melancholy, as I witnessed tragedy in the life of many near and far, it became clear to me that for all the list making I may do nothing is certain. And so, while it is good to have those dreams and lists, my deep hope for 30 became a dream of being. 

A happy family moment of being last month in Canmore
Oh, how she loves him! How he loves her!

My dream for 30 is to live each moment with a pervasive sense of gratitude, understanding that the joy I so desire is tightly bound to seeing the world with eyes of thanksgiving. My fear of time passing is abolished when I seek to make each moment pregnant with a grateful heart. Mysteriously, the moment pauses and hangs there to be revelled in when it is acknowledged with intentionality. I dream that my own grateful heart can only do one thing, which is point me to the Giver of the gift. May my life in 30 be more and more one in which the Giver is centre of all else.

How can one not contemplate the Giver of such a gift
(in and out of the chariot!).

These ideas have come from two books that I've been reading. Seeking First the Kingdom and One Thousand Gifts couldn't have come at a better time. I highly recommend them both, but for a general audience especially One Thousand Gifts. It is a life changing meditation on the healing power of gratitude.

I wanted to quote One Thousand Gifts to close this simple post. Ann Voskamp's eloquent words about overcoming the fear of time's fleeting nature by holding onto each moment with thanks are a perfect way to start today.

I don't really want more time. I just want enough time. Time to breath deep and time to see real and time to laugh long, time to give You glory and rest deep and sing joy and just enough time in a day not to feel hounded, pressed, driven, or wild to get it all done - yesterday.... 

Time is a relentless river. It rages on, a respecter of no one. And this, this is the only way to slow time. When I fully enter time's swift current, enter into the current moment with the weight of all my attention, I slow the torrent with the weight of me all there. I can slow the torrent by being all here. I only live the full life when I live fully in the moment. And when I'm always looking for the next glimpse of glory, I slow and enter. And time slows. Weigh down this moment in time with attention full, and the whole of time's river slows, slows, slows... 

Giving thanks for one thousand things is ultimately an invitation to slow time down with the weight of full attention. In this space of time and sphere I am attentive, aware, accepting the whole of the moment, weighing it down with me all here....Really? Give thanks and get time? Give thanks....slow time down with all of your attention - and your basket of not-enough-time multiplies into more than enough time... 

The real problem of life is never a lack of time. The real problem of life- in my life - is lack of thanksgiving. I am a mother-tired, but when my soul doth magnify, my time doth magnify....I redeem time from neglect and apathy and inattentiveness when I swell with thanks and weigh the moment down and it's giving thanks to God for this moment that multiplies the moments, time made enough. - Ann Voskamp One Thousand Gifts

Stay moment, stay!

May your Sunday be filled with joy!

With love,

Gratitude: My Undoers

A rainy Saturday afternoon here. The sky is gray outside and our family room is cluttered with the remains of last week's play. I clutch my steaming coffee cup and think about our week, and I am so very grateful for....

Undoers who Undo all of my Doing. It occurred to me yesterday that my children love playing in clean spaces. As a result, I move from space to space tidying and cleaning, and once that space is clean they move out of the one they just made messy in order to enjoy the order and harmony. Liliana is just at the age where she understands cleaning up after herself, but she often forgets. Judah is at a stage where turning things upside down and dumping them is fun. I am at a stage where I wish I had some system for keeping my house clean but I definitely don't. Yet, who would I be without these darling undoers? Perhaps pride filled that my house was straight out of a magazine, or bored because I didn't have enough to do, or a professional because my perfectly clean empty house felt precisely that....empty. Instead I am blessed with mess makers. In commitment to a #lifeunfiltered I admit that chronic mess despite my best efforts feels nerve-wracking and stretches my patience. However, it is also virtue building and full of meaning. Will I miss the days of opening my fridge to find plush mermaids indulging in salad on the middle shelf? I know I will.

My sweet mess maker and I at beautiful Rianna's bridal shower.

Date nights revisited. Joe and I remain committed to our weekly date nights and we find them so beneficial to our marriage. As I often mention date nights often mean putting the kids down and an intentional "date night in". Sometimes we sit on the porch and look at stars over a cigar and wine, other times we have late night dinner picnics on our family room carpet, and many times we head over to Governor's pub for chicken wings and a cold pint. However, we wanted to shake things up a bit so we enrolled in a wall climbing class. SO MUCH FUN! Oh how we laughed as I learned to belay my big strong husband. As his body came down mine would lift up and I felt like we were being set up for a perfect spiderman kiss. I learned to lean against the wall and hook my foot on a hold if needs be. We are so eager to incorporate the fun into our weekly dates. It was a perfect opportunity to exercise/play/communicate all in one. I wish I had pictures to share but we were way too busy having fun for pictures. A very good sign, I say.

Since we don't have a picture this will have to do. Judah's
face over his blackberries is a perfect reflection of the fun Joe
and I had wall climbing together. Life is good :)

Little Bodies.  I lay there at 2am nursing our sweet boy several nights ago, and as my hand rested on his little rib cage I marvelled at precisely that...the perfect littleness of his body. My children's perfect little beings amaze me often. As I bathe them and see their tiny shoulders, scrub behind their beautiful ears, tickle their pruny feet I can't believe the intricate beauty of their tiny selves. I know I will remember the day when my hand encompassed my son's whole back or my two wee ones fit on my lap for Monday snuggles.

Little body and little bunny. Too sweet!

How long will they both fit on my lap?

Sweet little apron clad girl making mommy a carrot cake...
Daddy's idea and boy was it delicious!

Work. As many but not all know Joe and I had an extended period in which we were bringing in almost no income. As sincere as our efforts were, paying work just didn't seem to find us. Joe has been employed for a couple of months now and the difference it has made in our overall sense of well being is staggering. I also got a job as a chef's assistant for a cooking school close by....it is nighttime/weekend flexible and simple work, but the ability to assist in the stability and forward motion of our family is a gift.. We are blessed. Thank you to those who prayed for us in our times of difficulty.

My love to and prayers for you in this beautiful springtime season. What is filling your heart with gratitude? What gives you joy in these May days?

xoxo

The Lesson of the Echee-Lalas

A few nights ago I made enchiladas for the first time, complete with amazing homemade enchilada sauce! As Joe and I sat there laughing at the American/Canadian differences in our pronunciation of enchilada (both far from the authentic!), our little lady piped up next to us and said, "these sure are delicious echee-lalas!" Oh we laughed and decided that was the best pronunciation of all.

Pronunciation was not the lesson at this dinner, however, instead it was gratitude. 

The sauce was quite spicy, and the enchiladas were filled with black beans, sweet potato, and spinach. I knew there was a very good chance it would be too much for our wee ones, but we have a family policy of trying everything so I kept my mouth shut and watched Liliana out of the corner of my eye. With each bite her eyes watered a bit and she chewed quickly before taking a big gulp of water. I was waiting for her to tell me it was too spicy, but instead she threw us a huge smile and commented on how delicious the echee-lalas were. 

It struck me thinking about it later that a grateful, positive word out of our lips can actually change the disposition of our hearts and move them from ungrateful to thankful. Painting an experience with enthusiasm as opposed to negativity can give us the nudge we need to immerse ourselves in that experience and seek joy in some small corner of it. That joy, well, it makes room for miracles.

As one of my favorite authors and bloggers, Ann Voskamp writes, “Gratitude for the seemingly insignificant—a seed—this plants the giant miracle.” Elsewhere she writes, "“As long as thanks is possible, then joy is always possible.” 

Joe and I have been married for almost 5 years. While those years have had their ups and downs, the times when we have managed the downs by seeking to name the gifts we have and be grateful for them have been unquestionably joy-filled, even when we had no idea what to do next. Yet, somehow I always forget this and it takes my 3 year old eating her spicy enchiladas to remind me. 

And then I see it, that this inherent gift for revelling in small blessings is how my children move throughout their day. They rejoice in a ladybug, they scream with delight when I suggest a bathtub, they get down in the dirt and dig without hesitation or practicality, and when it rains they always want to stand in it and get wet. How different life would be for all of us if, instead of seeing rain and feeling humdrum, we saw rain as an opportunity to soak life up even with the repercussions of chilly toes and soggy clothes.

Sister, the ultimate shampoo rinser-outer

Judah was even ok with the fact that his "rain jacket"
was a garbage bag. Now THAT is gratitude, my friends :)

Somehow it seems that as we grow from child to adult we learn to be more and more dissatisfied, but oh what a gift to hold onto gratitude in all things, even the hard ones.

May your last few days of April be filled with small seeds of thanks that are making way for big miracles in your life!

xoxo

Gratitude

Today I sit here watching my darlings play in the tub and I am grateful for...

- Consigning clothes! I just made two clothing drops this afternoon with my faithful sherpa husband and babes in tow. It is so very satisfying to keep my closet clear of things that I don't use and make back a little bit of money to buy new (to me) things. Such fun!

- Speaking of faithful sherpa husbands, I am utterly grateful for my amazing man. Last night we went back to the basics and had a picnic style date night on our living room carpet, like we used to. Joe knows how much I miss having a wood burning fire place so lugged our TV out, hooked it up to a YouTube fire place video and set up the heater. Cozy and so enjoyable! EDIT: This amazing sherpa husband is now back from 16 days at his parent's ranch. Boy are we thrilled to have our hero back. If we had to go much longer mommy might have ended up in a loony bin feeling very overwhelmed!

Cover mommy with stickers? OK! If it passes the time to bed then I surrender!

- Grateful for a feisty, determined nursing tyrant 14 month old son. Judah is such a joy and such a little rascal. You name what he can deconstruct and he will do it. I'm having to learn quickly, because his sister just didn't do these things (and here I thought it was because I was such a great parent!). Splashing in the toilet, dumping cereal boxes everywhere, colouring all over the walls and himself, climbing climbing climbing, ripping up all available material....and he isn't even walking yet. GULP!

Three minutes out of the kitchen? Napkins destroyed and Judah in the pot drawer!

30 seconds out of the room? I shall sit on the coffee table!

Oh mommy, you were helping Liliana in the bathroom? I poured out all three boxes of cereal!

Don't worry about me, mom, I figured out how to brush my teeth all by myself!

- A sweet imaginative three year old who is definitely pushing boundaries but also blossoming before our eyes. Months and months, a lifetime really, of low immunity caused me to make the decision to eliminate sugar (as much as possible!) from her diet. She seems more vital, she is a joy to watch at gymnastics, she spends all day singing, and she is such a good big sister....even when she is terrorizing her brother with affection! It gives me such happiness to watch them play together. Now, if only I was quite sure how to respond to her stomping, slamming, and yelling....they tell me this is normal? DOUBLE GULP!

On this day, in this moment, Liliana was a dog walker....she came up with outfit all by herself :)

Getting so big and brave!

Oh no, mommy, Judah poured out all the cereal! Don't worry, I'll clean it for you!

- Inspiring blogs. A few of my favorite reads these days have been this unbelievably humbling blog about a terminal wife and mama, this awesome blog about health in the new year and what our priorities should be, this balanced perspective on our Holy Father's recent comments, and this very informative article about the importance of vitamin K2 (thanks Eve!). There is so much goodness out there, I am truly grateful for the ability to fill my mama brain with beautiful things in the small moments of quiet that I am gifted with.

I recently read on Ann Voskamp's beautiful blog that GRATITUDE IS THE ANTIDOTE TO ANXIETY. It has lead me to ask, of Joe and myself, "do we live gratitude in our day? Do we survey the scene of our chaotic crazy beautiful life and whisper thanks before feeling overwhelmed? Do we work hard to avoid comparisons and live fully in the moment with a joy filled heart?"

What do you do to avoid feeling anxious or envious in the life you've been blessed with? I'd love to hear some ideas for living joy and gratitude!

Love and prayers always!

xoxo

That One Time Judah Vomited in the Houston Airport...

It started the night before our departure from Texas. I took many hours to fall asleep as I thought ahead to the day before us, several hours driving, 3 airports, 4 hour layover, car seats, customs, enough diapers, snacks....zzzzzzzzz. Too few hours later I awoke to a crying babe, a crying babe whose tears soon turned to....vomit. Yes, Judah had the stomach flu and we were travelling for 14+ hours the next day. Well, a night of sick babe turned into a morning of yes, we are indeed doing this, and we arrived in Dallas after 2 hours in the car and more vomit than I could keep up with.

No, this is not a story about vomit, indeed, it is a story of humanity's goodness. So, stay with me!

My anxiety levels were so high as we boarded our first flight. It has been our experience these days that people really don't like freaks like us  other people who fly with small children! Even though our children are so very well behaved and travel like old pros, we get all sorts of skeptical glances as we wheel our bright red double britax through the airport and down the ramp.

Miraculously, our sweet and sick boy made it through the first leg of our flight with only a very stinky diaper that needed changing immediately when we landed. The flight was so bumpy that the seat belt sign never went off so I couldn't change him! Of course, our darling toddler also was doing her utmost to "hold it," but needed mama to RUSH her to the toilet while daddy waited for said red britax. I walked off of the plane holding Judah on the hip and Liliana's sweet hand in mine, dashing our way to the nearest bathroom when poor babe projectile vomited all over everywhere...his clothes, my clothes, our bags, the floor....every.where.

I stood there, dripping. I had no sense of what to do other than SCREAM AND GAG panic on the inside, smile on the outside, comfort poor Judah, and figure out where Joe was.

In the  meantime, I tell you dear readers, my hope in humanity was affirmed and surpassed. Those people in front of us who I thought where sending nasty glances? They ran and claimed our stroller while daddy ran L to the toilet. They proceeded to stand with me and reassure me that all was well while I waited for Joe to return with paper towel. In the meantime, I kid you not, at least a dozen strangers stopped and asked me if I needed help. They looked me in the eye with kindness, they cooed and smiled at Judah, and they wished me a happy trip.

Oh how much I learned that day. There is so much goodness in those around me! Do I take the initiative to smile at those we encounter before presuming their attitude towards my family? Do I seek to meet the needs of those around me, even in the smallest way, not knowing how it will brighten their day? Do I see beautiful hearts made for joy before judging a bitter heart seeking to judge?

It was a valuable lesson. Could I possibly be grateful for a stomach bug? Maybe just a little..

I mean, who could be too upset at that sweet face?

Love and prayers,

Remembering....

Remembering, with a slightly achy but joyfully overflowing heart....

- feverishly keeping our home clean as we waited with baited breath for our son. A nightly vacuum and mop, scrubbed counters, clutter gone, towels piled and the pool blown up downstairs, a teensy hat set aside

- holding my sweet daughter a little closer knowing that soon she would be a big sister and that the simplicity of our days as a family of three would be changed

- talking to our unborn baby every night telling him how we couldn't wait to meet him

- looking at my big belly in the mirror and dreaming of the teeny person inside, not knowing what he looked like or who he would be, and wondering if I'd ever look or feel like myself again (if I'm being entirely honest!)

- the first flutters of excitement in my heart when I thought "today might be the day!"

- sending L out the door to her grandparents and wishing I could snatch her up and hold her forever

- dancing in the dark kitchen through contractions, telling our boy I loved him and that he was very safe

- feeling utterly and perfectly connected to my handsome husband as we awaited our babe together and he anticipated my every need

- a flurry of excitement when our midwives arrived, midnight, snow falling, baby coming SOON

- the intense, utter, gut wrenching, life changing love I had for our son the moment I scooped him up out of the water and held him in my arms

- the sweet sounds newborn Judah made - no crying or screaming, just darling little 'bleating' noises

- being unable to sleep that night....tucked in bed by our midwives after a glass of champagne and piece of banana bread....he's mine? he's ours? how is this possible? how are we so blessed?

"Before you were conceived, I wanted you. Before you were born, I loved you. Before you were here an hour, I would die for you. This is the miracle of love.” (Maureen Hawkins)

I can't believe our sweet Judah is 1 year old in just two days. Where has the year gone? 

xoxo

Thanksgiving

“Piglet noticed that even though he had a Very Small Heart, it could hold a rather large amount of Gratitude.”  

― A.A. Milne, Winnie-the-Pooh

Oh Thanksgiving...the smell of leaves and crisp air, the crunch underfoot, the fall flavours of a thanksgiving meal, songs and poems about turkeys, crafts.

I truly love this season of Autumn. Thanksgiving, placed right in the middle of it with its pumpkin flavoured goodness and colourful festivity, only makes it more delectable in every way!

I try to have a big heart, but admittedly with my melancholy tendencies and desire for perfection it is sometimes too small. I have noticed, though, that gratitude makes it swell and expand...gratitude pushes aside the selfishness and introspection, opening my heart to more generosity and more joy. What a beautiful thing that we have a day to refocus on living with a grateful heart!

Here in the Packard house we continue to work towards establishing our family culture. We are trying to create traditions and practices that are meaningful to us and will always be special memories for our children.....traditions that they will want to continue with their families many years from now.

One such tradition is the building of a tee pee. My Love's sweet mama used to make tee pees with Joe when he was a little boy, and he reminisces about it often. Finally, this Thanksgiving weekend, he made it happen for our children and OH was it fun. Squirt sat in it for many hours, snuggled up with snacks and books. I know it made her Daddy's heart so happy.

Little Judah, whom Joe has affectionately named Critter, is in a terribly frustrating funny phase. He is SO feisty, so immediately angry when things aren't going his way, and so obsessed with his Daddy. I am starting to learn how very different boys are from girls! All of the outside play this weekend has been so good for him. It has made my heart happy to see his little face covered in dirt, his jeans dusty and hands full of fun discoveries. Now, if only he would learn that everything doesn't need to be taste tested!

Outside cleaning up our front and backyards for many months of winter snow, we had tons of fun playing in the leaves. Joe, Squirt, and Critter also created their very own scarecrow, which is currently perched in our overgrown mess of weeds garden "protecting" the strawberry plants from rabbits and squirrels. I am sure a Thanksgiving scarecrow will become a tradition alongside the tee pee.

Last night sitting around a notably small Thanksgiving table (we were missing all of my aunts, uncles, and cousins from my mom's side), I was so struck by how full of joy the room was even though the crowd was small. Oddly enough, each family sitting there had a difficult year in their own way (although don't we all have difficult years in our own ways?). What I mean is, most had some pronounced suffering that had impacted their year, whether it be illness, financial trouble, or insecure job situations. However, the most notable thing was that small sufferings had created deeper gratitude for the things that are lasting and meaningful. Being stripped of security in some small or big way shone a light on what makes us most secure, most fulfilled, most humble. 

When it was my turn to express my gratitude last night it was very simple, two things stood out to me. I am so grateful for my Love. My sweet husband, you are my one and only, I love you more each year. The crazy beautiful life we have been blessed with is such a gift because of YOU. Darling Judah David, you also I am so grateful for. Your arrival into our life turned almost everything upside down, and yet my heart hurts when I think of how much I love you. Our family without you is inconceivable. You have blessed us in ways I can't express. Thank you!

God bless you dear friends and loved ones. Happy Thanksgiving!

xoxo