Kitchen Dance Party

"Laughter, song, and dance create emotional and spiritual connection; they remind us of the one thing that truly matters when we are searching for comfort, celebration, inspiration, or healing: we are not alone." - Brene Brown The Gifts of Imperfection

Writing this down so I don't ever forget this precious moment....

Last night, Sunday, we were at Nanny and Papa's house for Sunday dinner. The ladies and most of the men were in the kitchen putting the final touches on dinner, when Judah pressed play on the music player and upbeat Jazz music started blasting out of the speakers.

He turned around in fear and surprise, his hand over his ears, and instantly his face melted into laughter and glee. For we had all started dancing. Nanny started dancing as she set dishes out, my mom and I started dancing as we made the salad, my dad and brothers grooved to the music, and Anna shook her hips like a pro, holding Liliana's hands. Papa, on his constant wanders, came back into the kitchen intrigued by the hubbub. Immediately he started moving to the rhythm. His mind is diseased and his body getting frail but the ability to sense the rhythm is still going strong. We all laughed, and dinner took a little longer to set out because we all kept dancing.

Life has been heavy lately. World news is heavy, politics is heavy, business is heavy, finances, family, health....heavy. I think, though, as long as we have the ability for kitchen dance parties the heaviness of life will not be victorious over joy.

(Just to make you smile )

May your day have at least one kitchen dance party in it!

With love,

When Joy Evaporated

The memories are fragmented and disjointed, but certain nights - like tonight - they wash over me and I feel filled with grief. I am remembering that time when the joy evaporated.

I remember the joy. The immense overwhelming joy and relief of meeting our son and holding him in that warm water. "Hi baby hi baby I'm your mama I love you I love you." Of being tucked into our bed and snuggling our baby. Of laying awake most of the night in post-birth bliss missing my princess and waiting for when she'd meet her brother in the morning.

I remember snapping. The day that daddy was already back at work and we were alone. Baby brother's tummy hurt and sister was only 2 years and 4 months but I was annoyed, so annoyed that she wanted, needed, to be held and snuggled. No, I was annoyed because I wanted to snuggle her too and this baby wouldn't stop crying. I was filled with rage, all of a sudden, at this sweet 2 year old crying who wouldn't stop. I was filled with rage towards her. I was shocked at the monster of rage I felt.

I remember telling the midwives. "I'm very very tired." They told me they are supposed to ask me about feelings of depression. "No, I'm just tired," I said. I knew better.

I remember crying to my mom. Something felt wrong. But I didn't cry to her or anyone else again. I don't ask for help. There were meals being dropped at the door step and I already felt guilty. Apologizing to the midwives for our messy house, guilty for not writing thank you notes to friends, guilty for how I was mothering, when I could barely drag myself through the day.

I remember arriving to Maui. Baby was 6 weeks old and still had a sore tummy. I was up with him almost all night giving him gripe water and delirious after a long flight and no sleep. Big sister woke up with her daddy and I had already finished a pot of coffee (no wonder baby boy was so agitated!). "Good morning princess, we are at the beach look, look at the beautiful ocean, look at the palm trees, mommy loves you so much are you excited?" I said to her frantically, wanting to be a happy mommy for her, the tears rolling down my cheeks as my desire and my emotions in that moment clashed. I just wanted to take her to the waves and put her little feet in, but baby brother was so sad and I was so tired.

I remember introducing Judah to Nonna and Papa on that trip. I felt like I couldn't bring myself to leave the condo to bring him to them. How can I face the world? how can I smile and pretend it is ok? But I did, I did.

I was so confused. I loved...I LOVED....being a mama. But, somehow the joy had evaporated. I would see my friends pregnant with their second babies and want to yell at them, "don't have your baby, it's a cruel joke, everything changes, nothing is happy anymore." I would timidly express that I was finding it hard and people would say, "oh just wait until the third baby." I loved my babies fiercely and yet most days were hard days.

I remember...the memories last well past Judah's first birthday. They become less tragic in my memory but still feel heavy.

These memories came washing over me as I stood in the shower tonight because just recently I wondered if our 4th (one miscarried in heaven!) baby was on the way. He or she is not, but oh we dream about the next little love that will be ours, and oh the fear that grips me.

Finally when Judah was 16 months old, it was as though the fog lifted. Literally a physical weight came off of me and it felt easier to lift my head and smile. Laughter came spontaneously, the joy of mothering my children and being in this life returned. This life, this blessed blessed life. All along I knew it was blessed, I knew I was a lucky one, but I was stumbling through darkness trying to find something to hold onto that would bring those convictions back.

It sounds crazy to say because even with the deep dark sadness I LOVED my babies. Perhaps that is what made the sadness so deep and profound is that I could not understand it. It is hard not to let it haunt me. It is hard not to be very, very afraid that it will happen again.

And so, these are the moments in life when I cannot imagine living without our Faith. Without that act of surrender, of trust, of hope. It involves taking control of what we (my husband and I) can, and believing that grace will be sufficient to overcome any suffering we encounter.

"I have made you. I will carry you; I will sustain you and I will rescue you." Isaiah 46:4

I look at my beautiful blond boy, his darling older sister. They have no recollection of mommy's struggles. They know only that they are loved without question and without measure. Would I do it again, to have these beautiful babies in my arms every? Absolutely. Does this take away from the reality of the pain? No.

I share this because it is my story, and because maybe it will help someone who has similar struggles. Ask for help! You are not weak, you are not helpless, you are not alone, and there is much hope to be had. The joy will not evaporate for good, very soon it will rain down on you in more abundance than you remember ever having before.

May you be blessed with peace,

Moments of Grace: The Water Slide

I squeeze my sweet boy tight, inhaling his soft skin and delighting in his beautiful self. Yet, as I hold him and love him I gaze wistfully below me to the pool. I feel the familiar catch in my throat and chest as I think "I used to love doing that." 

I loved swimming. I miss it. I miss the silence as I dove into the water, the murmur of the world above as I pushed my body to work, the strength that I felt...the escape.

I don't swim anymore. Babies, sickness, finances, family, exhaustion....oh, that thing called life....it consumes me and swims don't happen. I wouldn't trade my life for anything, my loves are an absolute gift, and yet I am dishonest if I don't admit that self-forgetfulness is hard, and sometimes life feels very heavy.

Then she grabs my hand, my darling mama. "Come on Emily," she says, "you and I are going on the water slide." She offers to go first, to show me that if I point my toes and touch them I will fly. She laughs out loud as she flies down the slide, losing control around the corners, splashing water up over the side. She points her toes and shows me that it is good to delight in a moment of fun.

I feel strangely nervous as I sit at the top waiting for the red light to turn green. I take off, point my toes, and feel a true thrill as I fly. I laugh. I arrive at the bottom and she says, "AGAIN."

Us two mamas do the slide again, and even again. We laugh and our hair is wet, our hands are like raisins. I walk back to my boy and squeeze him tight. Yet, the wistfulness is gone. That moment of fun on the water slide erased the small sorrow of the moment and replaced it with gratitude. This was a gift and a lesson to me... to seek instances of joy as refreshment on this incredible journey of love that is life.

Thank you, Mama.

xoxo

Enough

"But he said to me, 'My grace is sufficient for you, for power is made perfect in weakness.' I will rather boast most gladly of my weaknesses, in order that the power of Christ may dwell with me. Therefore, I am content with weaknesses, insults, hardships, persecutions, and constraints, for the sake of Christ; for when I am weak, then I am strong." 2 Corinthians 12:9

We have had an interesting first four years of marriage. Jetting off to Australia with 5000 dollars cash to our name and a hotel for 5 days, a daughter born there, a return to Canada only to live in my parent's basement as Joe waited for status, working for a start up company...by no means are we the poster family for "be established and secure before getting married and starting a family."

For sure throughout the course of our marriage I have often wondered "will there be enough?". On its most basic level this has had to do with enough money to get by. However, as a wife and mother I often ask the same question with regards to time, energy, patience, LOVE. "Will there be enough?"

It has been astounding to me that, if we are doing our utmost to love always and do the right thing, the answer is always YES. The most startling thing about our life, as I look back over these years, is that if we dare to love greatly, BEYOND OUR MEANS, we are never left wanting.

In Australia, soon after moving there and yet feeling called to be open to a new life in the midst of all, we found ourselves expecting a baby and wondering what the next step was. I wondered, have we risked too much? Was our openness reckless? Do we have enough to get by? Within weeks we had been given a gorgeous granny-flat for next to no rent in one of the most desirable locations. Of course, we still had to work hard to make ends meet but we were so secure and cared for. Not only this, but my prenatal care was entirely covered by the Australian government. We experienced incredible midwife care and a birth centre birth. There was far more than enough, there was an abundance.

For most of our married life we've had very little as far as savings and income goes. There have been a few moments where I felt legitimate fear over how to make our next grocery shop happen and started sorting through our belongings to sell those things that we don't need (a very healthy exercise by the way!). Oftentimes in those moments we have also felt called to certain acts of simple generosity; whether it be hosting friends for dinner, providing a meal for someone sick or in need, buying a gift, travelling to see family because we knew how much it would mean to them, or lending money to someone who could not get by without. Sometimes we've wondered, in retrospect, whether these decisions were most prudent. Without question, each time we have acted in generosity beyond our means, we have somehow come upon money or groceries in abundance.

This blog post is not an ad for reckless spending or imprudent lending, but it is a reflection on our efforts to live abundantly in generous love. I can so easily apply these lessons to how I love my husband and how we love our children. SO many days I wake exhausted and wondering where the energy will come from to love deeply, to read, sing, play, dance....and then to do all of the normal things like cook, clean, bathe, or I don't know, think? Those days where I ruminate and pity my self are the days where the energy is limited and the patience seems short. Those days where I dig deep and seek abundant living are the days where there is enough! 

With this comes the important and humbling realization that I am weak and I need grace to be the wife, mother, and friend I am called to be. On my own, I really can't do it, but if I forge ahead with love, Love Himself will make much out of my little.

I have experienced this lesson over and over, and yet still I doubt. Still there are days where fear and anxiety propel me, consequently restricting my ability to love those around me with generosity and selflessness. Yet on those days when hope, peace, and TRUST motivate me, when I accept that alone I can do nothing, when I place my trust in a good God who supplies my every need and calms my every fear, those are the days when there is enough.

Onwards and upwards, right little Judah?
There is certainly enough cuteness to go around these days!!

xoxo

Thanksgiving

“Piglet noticed that even though he had a Very Small Heart, it could hold a rather large amount of Gratitude.”  

― A.A. Milne, Winnie-the-Pooh

Oh Thanksgiving...the smell of leaves and crisp air, the crunch underfoot, the fall flavours of a thanksgiving meal, songs and poems about turkeys, crafts.

I truly love this season of Autumn. Thanksgiving, placed right in the middle of it with its pumpkin flavoured goodness and colourful festivity, only makes it more delectable in every way!

I try to have a big heart, but admittedly with my melancholy tendencies and desire for perfection it is sometimes too small. I have noticed, though, that gratitude makes it swell and expand...gratitude pushes aside the selfishness and introspection, opening my heart to more generosity and more joy. What a beautiful thing that we have a day to refocus on living with a grateful heart!

Here in the Packard house we continue to work towards establishing our family culture. We are trying to create traditions and practices that are meaningful to us and will always be special memories for our children.....traditions that they will want to continue with their families many years from now.

One such tradition is the building of a tee pee. My Love's sweet mama used to make tee pees with Joe when he was a little boy, and he reminisces about it often. Finally, this Thanksgiving weekend, he made it happen for our children and OH was it fun. Squirt sat in it for many hours, snuggled up with snacks and books. I know it made her Daddy's heart so happy.

Little Judah, whom Joe has affectionately named Critter, is in a terribly frustrating funny phase. He is SO feisty, so immediately angry when things aren't going his way, and so obsessed with his Daddy. I am starting to learn how very different boys are from girls! All of the outside play this weekend has been so good for him. It has made my heart happy to see his little face covered in dirt, his jeans dusty and hands full of fun discoveries. Now, if only he would learn that everything doesn't need to be taste tested!

Outside cleaning up our front and backyards for many months of winter snow, we had tons of fun playing in the leaves. Joe, Squirt, and Critter also created their very own scarecrow, which is currently perched in our overgrown mess of weeds garden "protecting" the strawberry plants from rabbits and squirrels. I am sure a Thanksgiving scarecrow will become a tradition alongside the tee pee.

Last night sitting around a notably small Thanksgiving table (we were missing all of my aunts, uncles, and cousins from my mom's side), I was so struck by how full of joy the room was even though the crowd was small. Oddly enough, each family sitting there had a difficult year in their own way (although don't we all have difficult years in our own ways?). What I mean is, most had some pronounced suffering that had impacted their year, whether it be illness, financial trouble, or insecure job situations. However, the most notable thing was that small sufferings had created deeper gratitude for the things that are lasting and meaningful. Being stripped of security in some small or big way shone a light on what makes us most secure, most fulfilled, most humble. 

When it was my turn to express my gratitude last night it was very simple, two things stood out to me. I am so grateful for my Love. My sweet husband, you are my one and only, I love you more each year. The crazy beautiful life we have been blessed with is such a gift because of YOU. Darling Judah David, you also I am so grateful for. Your arrival into our life turned almost everything upside down, and yet my heart hurts when I think of how much I love you. Our family without you is inconceivable. You have blessed us in ways I can't express. Thank you!

God bless you dear friends and loved ones. Happy Thanksgiving!

xoxo

The Family that Plays Together

....Not to be confused with the family that prays together (stays together), of which we are firmly convinced....

It has just recently become so very clear to me about the importance of family PLAY TIME! 

Ever since we've lived in Calgary, Joe and I have had the luxury of an almost weekly date-night. Often we are watching our budget or short on time, but we still are convinced of what it does for our marriage and so we get out together! This care-free time (even if we have serious conversations!) notably bolsters our communication, unity, and peace. It is also a good shot of joy during the weeks that seem challenging. These days Squirt has become more aware of the fact that her toddler self would like to be the centre of the world and doesn't want us to leave her. We always tell her that Mommy and Daddy need time together so we can be better and more loving parents. While she may not get it, she senses the importance and acquiesces.

As I've said before, the days are long but the weeks fly by and I recognized that there have been seldom moments where Joe and I have given our total attention to playing with our children. While I try to engage in imaginative play while cleaning, nursing, cooking, or driving it is only ever half-brained! So, we've started to make a conscious effort to do activities that are pure play. We've had a few family swims, some simple outdoor play, lots of crafts, and this past weekend we even went to the corn maze!

It is amazing to me how demanding behavior out of my children is lessened throughout the week when there have been a few moments of carefree timelessness as a family. It is just like date night! When we immerse ourselves in joy-filled activities where all other pressures are put on the back burner we are rejuvenated and bolstered. I have been struggling with the question of how to fulfill my children's need for love and attention while not neglecting our home, my husband, or their education (among other things). While this is not the golden ticket, I think I am closer to understanding how to balance it all. Just like Mommy and Daddy, it is OK for our wee ones to move through their week doing their normal activities and, in moments, having to fend for themselves (actually this is probably immensely important for independence!), when there are small moments of all-out play injected into the mundane.

This parenthood thing, it is such a journey. So many moments of discovery and so much to learn! Sometimes I look at my life and wonder how in heavens name I am wife to this incredible man and mother to these beautiful babes. Such a gift, and such responsibility! Here is to many more moments of laughter together for the Packard family.

xoxo

My Sweet Imaginative Little Love

Sweet Liliana, what would Mama do without you? I've been captivated by your sweet self since the moment I knew you existed in my belly. Now, here you are almost 3 years old and you daily thrill me with all of your uniqueness. 

You live in costumes, all of which you creatively assemble!

I can't believe that such a creative, imaginative, empathetic, and intelligent little person has been entrusted to me to mold and care for. Your sweet little mind, as it explores this big and interesting world, sometimes scares me with its inquisitiveness and capacity for learning. Just the other day you told us that mushroom soup was a temptation for you, oh how we laughed! You used the word pensive at the dinner table a few nights ago! Today I found you ever so gently chasing ants and trying to pick them up. You just wanted to pet them, you said. Your soft heart for all creatures, and your total lack of fear when it comes to critters, astounds me!

It's finally warm enough to be outside again, and you could LIVE out there!

You are so unique with such a huge imagination, you even EAT in character :)

What really has moved me in these months since Judah joined us is your emotional intelligence. Of course, I was aware that you seemed to have a high EQ before he was born, but now I am reminded on a daily basis of just how emotionally in tune you are by your responses to me! We have to be so careful how we discipline you, because you are so intensely fearful of us being unhappy. Whenever you accidentally spill a drink or have an accident your first question is, "are you still happy?"If you think I am sad or frustrated you always propose playing what you perceive to be MY favorite game, even though it isn't yours. I am so humbled by your selfless little heart.

You beg to hold Judah every day....and he is getting so big and heavy for you!

You are a perfectionist, to be sure....and so if it is a part of a picture where you can't colour in the lines, or a physical challenge you assume you'll "fail" at, you'd rather not do it. Like a true Canadian, you say sorry far too often! We are working hard to help you be kind to yourself.

An example of your careful art work, you concentrate so deeply when you colour and paint!

Today I am so grateful that you are still innocent enough to wear your cinderella dress grocery shopping. I am thankful for your absolute joy in jumping in puddles. Most of our walks take 3 times as long because you climb over every rock, down every hill, through every puddle. I try not to mind the slow pace too much...who knows how long you'll love such things so intensely?

I love you my sweet, funny, smart, and caring little lamb. I am so grateful that you are my daughter.

Cheers!!

Emphasis

Hello loved ones, far and near, here I am again! As I mentioned last post, our blog is "under construction" please don't mind the dust and disorder, I sense that construction may take a while. However, I decided I'd just keep writing, life is too short to wait for perfection!!!!

Yes, I changed the name of our blog...I hope you like it! It's just a little more succinct, but it still gets to the heart of our story. JOY. Joy that is a gift, joy that can't be found in things, joy that is very different from the mere feeling of being happy (not that feeling happy is bad, but we certainly can't feel happy all the time!) The kind of joy that was being spoken of in this sentence, " I have told you this so that my own joy may be in you and your joy be complete." (John 15:11)

What am I talking about? I am talking about the deep and abiding happiness that comes from believing you are called to something and answering that call with authenticity, despite the fact that it is not always easy, and does not always feel good.

This helps me to seek and find joy, even in the mundane, the difficult, the sufferings...even in the realities of my life that are not easy, glamorous, or ideal.

This means that I can always write about joy, even in Joe's unemployment, even though we live with my parents while waiting for his immigration, even though our little one has been teething or coldy for the last few months and I can't remember ever feeling this tired. This means, that I can say with true joy "I LOVE YOU," even when Lyla is driving me crazy and the only other alternative is to scream! This means that I can experience joy over dirty laundry or poopy diapers, because I am living my call to love this man and this child with selflessness and sincerity.

Seeking true joy enables me to understand that life isn't meant to be easy, it isn't meant to always feel good! I can be full of peace and deep satisfaction even when I am brought to tears by frustration over life's difficulties, when being a wife or a mama seems like some sort of bad joke...I mean, no one told me that it would be this hard but gosh no one ever told me it would be this great either!

Understanding that joy is different from feeling happy helps Joe and I to see the deep blessings in the life we are leading even though there are moments where one or both of us feels cranky or burdened.  We are learning to be a team, we are best friends, we are spoiled by our love story, we have a sweet baby who has changed our lives for the better, we see miracles every day, our hearts are growing and being purified in hope. It helps us to be generous and tender with each other even when our differences make us frustrated with each other. It helps us understand that love is sometimes about will power and sacrifice, and other times it is also about romance and heart palpitations, but it is always beautiful and meaningful.

This is why I write about JOY. It is pervasive in our lives. From the first moment we met it has been a theme. This is why Liliana's middle name is Joy...because her life is a gift and the happiness it brings is something we are ever more cognisant of. We are also aware that if we don't actively seek it, as we live our lives, we focus too much on those things we could be negative about. Simply put, if I don't seek JOY I spend way too much time wallowing in self pity. Life is just too short to allow that to happen.

SO, now you know. Yes, we have difficulties, but I won't spend so much time writing about those.

Here are a few joyful tidbits before I sign off :)



Real men wear their babies :) How happy do these two look? And how alike? I LOVE THEM!!!

We took this video about 1.5 weeks ago...sorry about the shaky camera-woman :) Little Lyla is on the move!!!

Nothing says "joy" like a naked chubby baby! Such a happy girl!!

Ok dearest ones, that is all for now. Thank you for loving us and praying for us! We pray for you all and miss those of you who are far away!!

xoxo