Liliana's Favorite Colour

I've been so neglectful of this wonderful little space! Since September life has been moving at an absolutely furious pace, probably exacerbated in my experience by the necessary life adjustments that come with school being a part of our reality!

Anyhow, over the next few days I am hoping to take some time and jot down memories from advent and Christmas, in the hopes of capturing them, in all of their fleeting beauty and sweetness, for the sake of my children. 

We spent an impromptu Christmas with extended family in the Montana woods, and my, was it marvelous! I will spend time in another post sharing precious memories. This little post is dedicated to Liliana's answer to a dinner-time question on our last night. 

As we all sat around together eating dinner, the question of "What is your favorite colour, and why?" was asked.

Our sweet, determined, introverted girl, who very much knows her own mind, volunteered to go first.

"My favorite colour is red." Immediately I was surprised as I always thought her favorite colour was pink! "Because it is the colour of my heart and my heart is where God is."

Joe and I exchanged glances behind her back. That is the sort of moment where you don't want to see your child reacting, because you want them to be free to say that sort of thing without looking for applause or affirmation. Of course we exclaimed that it was a lovely answer and a great colour to be your favorite.

I still don't know whether red truly is her favorite colour. If I were to offer her an item of clothing in pink or red I think she would pick pink! However, I think her answer gave much insight into who our lovely little lady is growing to be and how we can help her. Perhaps part of her answer is because she knew it was a good answer. Perhaps part of her answer is because she knew it was the ideal, or she had some perception that the question was deeper than it seemed. Most certainly it affirms her emotional sensitivity and intelligence, and it inspires me to protect and foster her EQ as we help her through this first year of kindergarten, in which her introversion and shyness have been at times considered problematic. It definitely affirms for me that our efforts to make our home and life God-centered are not lost, even in the midst of the little temper tantrums and feisty five year old behaviors.

Yes, my darling, you do have God in your heart. A beautiful, life-giving, grace-infusing presence of our heavenly King who loved you into existence. May your daddy and I continue to show you and teach you just how loved you are!

Our sweet grown up girl on Christmas Eve!

May your 2017 be starting with much joy and light!

Moments of Grace: My Daughter's Beauty

I literally watched with awe as our Liliana marched up the mountain. She was so determined, so positive, so inspired."We got this mommy, we are Packards, I'm going the hard way, I'm getting stronger, I am never ever ever EVER giving up!"

Her sweet brother pushed his little legs to the absolute max led by her tenacious example before promptly falling asleep on my back after he could not walk anymore.

 I could not help but stare at her sun kissed skin and wispy pony tail, her little arm muscles, her strong and sturdy legs and bum, and her beautiful back. She is so strong!  She is so beautiful!

The new friend we were with commented that Liliana's legs look like a pro-athlete and went on to suggest that it must run in the family because, look at me. My heart surged with pride. 

I am not ashamed to admit everything I just said. I am ashamed to admit that I've felt self conscious about aspects of our daughter's appearance at times. Just little things, like that she was born with a very crooked nose, that she has a huge (entirely endearing) gap in between her two front teeth, even that she is a little ball of muscle and already it is hard to find pants that fit comfortably over her strong legs. 

Much like her Mommy!

It is no secret that the struggle with self loathing, which seems to be part of the human experience, has over the years manifested itself in me through an intense dislike of my body. I spoke several posts back about my New Year's resolution of a return to vitality, health, strength, and fitness. Part of this year's journey has been about learning to be peaceful with the body I was blessed with, for myself and for the sake of my children, who see everything! 

And yet, it was in this moment and through the comment of a new friend that I realized the beauty I could not stop looking at in my darling was also a beauty that I had. A beauty of strength, tenacity, athleticism, and determination. 

I have spent so much of my life pining for the coat hanger beauty of runway models and yet as I watched our girl I was gripped with the fear that she would ever want to look differently than she did marching up the Grassi Lakes. In that moment I also realized, in a way I had not before, the absurdity of me ever wishing I looked differently than do. 

These moments of grace become something to hold onto when I come back down from the mountain top and the clear vision of things as they are fades into the busy mess of regular life. 

What a responsibility it is to raise little people into wholehearted big people who have a sense of their worthiness and their mission! 

And yet, what a gift our little people give us as they draw us out of our brokenness and selfishness and reflect back to us our own worthiness. 

Moments of grace, indeed!

With love and prayers,

Our Little Mess Maker

It seems impossible that I'll ever forget just how messy our Liliana is, but Joe assures me that this, too, shall pass and one day be but a distant memory!

I think that seldom a day goes by where I don't say to Joe, "I am losing my mind, I cannot keep up with her mess, she is a tornado and we live in the eye of tornado Liliana. What do I do?"

NO JOKE! this is her room every.single.day. We actually do not own very many toys
but somehow they all end up from their proper place on her bedroom floor! Along with all of her outfit changes....

The thing about her is that her mess is all about whole hearted living. When she plays she PLAYS. Her creative play is not complete without every little aspect attended to, in order to make the game complete. When she eats, it is as though a band of pirates have come to join us. Yet, her table manners are not bad! Somehow, though, her chair and the floor are covered as though we had a rip roaring party.

When we are at home she changes at least 7 times a day. I am actually attempting not to exaggerate here so it may be more! With each outfit change her hair changes, and she pulls her elastics out with such violence it is no wonder her hair is so thin and fine! It is either that or she is in pyjama mode and changes from pj to pj with her hair looking like a wild nest!

At this point I think our two and their cousins were playing zoo. Not entirely evident...Liliana's wild, wild hair
because some days being in character means not brushing your hair??

I delight as I listen to her through her bedroom door, in total character, lost in play. And yet, I am exhausted by her mess. She knows it now, and sometimes when I walk in on tornado Liliana in all of her glory she says to me, "I am so SO sorry, I actually don't know what happened here!" You know, I believe her! She is so immersed in what she does. Still, I know that I need to help her learn to be more aware of the mess she is making, at least after she is finished playing! Little by little....

I know that, even if she may be a naturally messy person the day will come when her mess is no longer so immense. Just this evening she walked to me as I was tidying up from the day and asked, "Mama is there anything I can help with?" Albeit she wanted to help with something glamorous like chopping for dinner, but her attitude of eagerness to help and awareness of need is bitter-sweet evidence that she is growing out of her little cavewoman-ness.

Not entirely relevant but I love this picture of her on her daddy's lap!
Not too many more years left of painted cheeks and pigtails :)

I love this photo of our little tornado and her daddy
after his team won city gold. She cheers so whole heartedly and SO LOUD!
No worries about what other people think, this one!

Oh Liliana, what a funny, quirky, heart-melting girl you are! How I love you!

Liliana - An Update

Liliana: An Update

This has been quite the year for our sweet, determined, imaginative girl! She started pre-school in the fall at a little school close to our house. She had quite a period of adjustment but now goes happily 3 mornings a week. Her biggest problem is that all the boys want to marry her, and that she is far more interested in playing than learning letters. Her teachers, thanks be to God, recognize that she is only 4 years old and it is OK that she is uninterested in letters. So, she plays and on the side learns a little bit. Exactly as a 4 year old should.

1 of 10,000 costume changes in a day for our imaginative girl

Pink day at school....she rocked it!

She is alternatively and simultaneously maddening and delightful. She is so eager to be helpful, she is inquisitive and adventurous, and incredibly athletic. She asks questions out of the blue like, “daddy, if God made Adam and Eve, who made God?” or “mommy if bad guys say s**t than are you a bad guy because I’ve heard you say it?” or “mommy this was a really good episode of my little pony, it taught me that I must forgive myself because the past is the past.” All of these questions lead to the current moment’s preoccupation being set down and a lesson in life and love being taught with a little prayer to the Holy Spirit.

Christmas gifts, a pony and a cat. It's the simple things in life when you are 4 years old

Along with these delightful qualities she is also in a phase of defiance, attitude, and a good amount of sass.

Little miss Sassy herself at the Christmas symphony

Regardless of the day we’ve had, nighttime comes and she emerges in her fuzzy pj's, dragging her soft blanket, asking for snuggles or to be held. What an age! As I see glimpses of the “big girl” she is becoming I snuggle her even tighter dreading the day when she outgrows her “fuzzies,” in every way.

 

Butterfly bandaids on her chin from a wild flying gymanstics leap into a window,
a pretty dress, and her daddy's lap....a perfect image of our girl

I don’t want to forget little things about this year with our Lyla Bug, such as the way she sped through every level of preschool swimming, like a little fish. She becomes something else when she enters the water - the joy just oozes out of her. I always need to remember the way she loves chicken wings, and so when we take our family out for wing night she sits there, pigtails and dirty face, as the wings pile up on her plate. She has no sense of how dirty her face is, yet she uses a wet wipe for her hands every 2 wings. I watch in amazement. She believes unquestionably in God, Jesus, Mary, and the Angels. I don’t want to forget how easy it was to teach her about these heavenly things because, as a child, her faith is so simple. It is just obvious to her!  I never want to forget what it is like to peek around the corner and secretly watch her imaginative play, relishing in her utter immersion in the game she has created for herself.

Wing night, her favorite are honey garlic

Liliana is such a tender and devoted big sister. She cares for Judah in a detailed and aware manner. The odd time he drives her crazy but we coach her through navigating those moments and I thrill to think of the friendship they could have as they grow.

A bittersweet memory, but I don’t want to forget how she clung to me as I dropped her at school, crying and crying. I had to pass her to her teachers and run to the car, where I too cried and cried and couldn’t drive. I wondered what we had gotten ourselves into.

I could go on and on, and yet this is only supposed to be an update.  Liliana Joy, it is such a pleasure to be your mommy. There have been nights, after you are asleep, that I turn to your daddy and wonder how it is that I am not ruining you because as our eldest I am learning as you are growing. Some days I am so quick tempered or my expectations are too high. You are so forgiving and quick to forget, you just LOVE us and continue to trust us unquestionably. Thank you, our darling. We praise our good God for the gift of you!

My Sweet Imaginative Little Love

Sweet Liliana, what would Mama do without you? I've been captivated by your sweet self since the moment I knew you existed in my belly. Now, here you are almost 3 years old and you daily thrill me with all of your uniqueness. 

You live in costumes, all of which you creatively assemble!

I can't believe that such a creative, imaginative, empathetic, and intelligent little person has been entrusted to me to mold and care for. Your sweet little mind, as it explores this big and interesting world, sometimes scares me with its inquisitiveness and capacity for learning. Just the other day you told us that mushroom soup was a temptation for you, oh how we laughed! You used the word pensive at the dinner table a few nights ago! Today I found you ever so gently chasing ants and trying to pick them up. You just wanted to pet them, you said. Your soft heart for all creatures, and your total lack of fear when it comes to critters, astounds me!

It's finally warm enough to be outside again, and you could LIVE out there!

You are so unique with such a huge imagination, you even EAT in character :)

What really has moved me in these months since Judah joined us is your emotional intelligence. Of course, I was aware that you seemed to have a high EQ before he was born, but now I am reminded on a daily basis of just how emotionally in tune you are by your responses to me! We have to be so careful how we discipline you, because you are so intensely fearful of us being unhappy. Whenever you accidentally spill a drink or have an accident your first question is, "are you still happy?"If you think I am sad or frustrated you always propose playing what you perceive to be MY favorite game, even though it isn't yours. I am so humbled by your selfless little heart.

You beg to hold Judah every day....and he is getting so big and heavy for you!

You are a perfectionist, to be sure....and so if it is a part of a picture where you can't colour in the lines, or a physical challenge you assume you'll "fail" at, you'd rather not do it. Like a true Canadian, you say sorry far too often! We are working hard to help you be kind to yourself.

An example of your careful art work, you concentrate so deeply when you colour and paint!

Today I am so grateful that you are still innocent enough to wear your cinderella dress grocery shopping. I am thankful for your absolute joy in jumping in puddles. Most of our walks take 3 times as long because you climb over every rock, down every hill, through every puddle. I try not to mind the slow pace too much...who knows how long you'll love such things so intensely?

I love you my sweet, funny, smart, and caring little lamb. I am so grateful that you are my daughter.

Cheers!!