The Scars of Love

6 Years! 6 years of marriage, how can it be? This morning I sat clicking through over 1000 wedding photos. I had picked less than 100 as my favourites 6 years ago, and today I sat scrolling through them again. After these 6 years, certain images had a new and beautiful weight to them and stood out to me in ways they hadn't years ago. It was beautiful, and nostalgic, and entirely interrupted by a preschooler and toddler whose needs were still immediate, no matter the day.

I wish I had something profound and existential to write about these 6 years with my beloved. And yet, my mind is tired and foggy, my body is weary, these days have been busy days. Despite it all my heart is light and my soul full of joy. This, my friends, is where the contrast strikes me.

This love, this true married love, one of I-THOU, me and my beloved, each reflecting back to the other worthiness, beauty, eternity.....this love leaves us tired, this love has left scars and yet our hearts are light and full of joy. I have a burn scar on my arm from a frying pan when I tripped over a toddler playing on the kitchen floor, always wanting to be close to mama. I have stretch marks and a still remaining linea negra from the 2 times I carried our darlings. My body is different....softer in some places, more angular in other, less shapely in still others. my hairline is different from postpartum loss and regrowth. These are only the scars you can see. There are the unseen scars as well... those of loving 3 beings, (4 if you count our sweet one in heaven), so much that your heart is forever scarred by the bittersweet passing of time. There are scars of loving my husband so deeply that I am ever aware of my own journey, and how much I have to grow in order to be less selfish. There are scars of working on a marriage or growing as mother, and falling and rising to try again because love is worth it. There are even the scars of the pain of post partum depression, unemployment, and sickness.

But oh, these scars. The majesty, the beauty, the eternity, the sacredness - even in the ugliness and the brokenness they are beautiful and I am humbled to be growing worthy of them.

I have scars, other scars, from broken relationships, poor decision makings, self-loathing, and selfishness. These scars are weighty and in moments they threaten to discourage me.  This is the beautiful thing about married love and how the scars differ. They have a sort of weight that, heavy and profound, mysteriously unshackles me from myself and makes me free. The incredible reality of making a gift of my life and discovering my own worthiness and beauty in the self-giving. In this love I also discover my worthiness and beauty because of the epic, heroic, unwavering love my husband has for me. He looks at me and I see reflected back to me a potential I never knew I existed (even when he is annoyed with me, maybe especially when he is, haha!). He sees me, truly sees me, and the more he knows my heart and soul the more deeply he loves me. How could one not be set free to dream in the security of such a love?

6 beautiful years! I am excited to see what this next year will bring.

Thank you for your love and prayers on our anniversary,

xo

6 Years of Dating

This past weekend marked since years since the night my handsome man and I met! WOW!

I'll never forget the night we met, mostly because Joe had hair an inch past his shoulders and a goatee that was long enough to put in two braids. He was so shy but had such kind eyes (thank goodness, it was rather hard to see what he looked like behind all his hair!). I didn't know that he called his dad, that night, telling him that he had just met the woman he was going to marry. 

When I look back on our six years the one thing that has been such a gift for our relationship has been that we date each other, regularly. As a matter of fact, it is probably one of the biggest priorities of our week is to make sure date night happens. Our dates have taken many forms. When I lived in Dallas Joe would drive to visit and we walked to the Italian cafe every Friday for a greek salad and to share a carafe of wine. Despite the fact that Italian cafe is sub-par food and cheap wine, it will forever be one of my all time favourite restaurants. It was there I learned Joe's heart as we lingered over our cheap wine and walked home in the warm Texas air.

Walking home from Italian Cafe in good ol' Las Colinas, Tx

In Australia we were beyond poor. We had two types of regular date nights. The first was to Costco for a 99 cent hot dog and to share a frozen yogurt. We loved driving our tiny little car through downtown Melbourne for our cheap date and sitting there relishing in the unhealthy deliciousness. The second was date night in. We would play beer pong, eat salami and cheese, and cuddle together under the tiny little space heater keeping our freezing apartment warm. We would talk for hours dreaming of our life together. Even though we were home we chose to make that time a date and it was amazing. I will never forget those dates and I continued to learn his heart.

Beer pong, just the two of us, and I was pregnant at this point so I played with Apple Juice :) 

Well, much has happened since Oz but we still date, almost weekly, (thanks Mom and Dad for babysitting!!!). It seems like almost always we have to squeeze a little bit in other areas of our budget to make sure it happens, but on the weeks we miss date night the disconnection between us is very evident. So, we make it happen! Most often these days date night is wing night. Wings at 25 cents a piece and a nice cold beer are a perfect and budget friendly opportunity to unwind and reconnect. We've had special dates too....formal events, concerts, surprise hotel stays. Some of our most cherished dates, even now, are date night in when kids go to my parent's or we put them to bed and we make European style feasts of bread, cheese, olives, and wine. We cherish these feasts sitting cross legged on the carpet and breathing deeply, and we make sure we are still in tune with each other's hearts. 

A whale watching dinner cruise in Hawaii. We were engaged that year!

Date nights are the only times we take selfies because it is just.the.two of us. YAY!!!

We love getting dressed up together. Those are special date nights too! I was pregnant with Judah here :)

Nothing like a patio together!

Even though date nights are casual I really like getting dressed up for my man.
Who cares if we are waaaay over dressed for a neighborhood pub on wing night!

Two months or so before we met our baby boy. Joe's first stadium concert.

I think that our dates are one of the biggest gifts we have given our marriage and our children. Date night shows them that we are in love with each other, that we prioritize one another, that we cherish the gift of carefree timelessness with our spouse. Liliana has just started complaining when we leave her to go on a date, but I always tell her that Mommy and Daddy need time together so we can be better mommies and daddies. She gets it and, more importantly, she gets to see that we walk the talk. My primary vocation is to my Joe and when I carve out time to make sure I still know his heart we can face whatever challenges greet us every day and we truly are better parents!

I am so beyond grateful for six years of dates with my Love, and I am excited that he is mine and I get to spend the rest of my life dating him!

Do you date your spouse? Do you have fun and budget friendly ideas for date night? I'd love to hear some of them!

Love and prayers for you this beautiful, sunny, winter day!

xoxo

Gratitude

This friday night as I stand in our kitchen listening to the rain I am so very grateful for...

- My darling husband who works so hard for us. He is currently away in the Yukon Territories filming a promotional video for a fishing lodge. He has recently discovered his great passion (and immense talent!) for photography, videography, and photo/video editing. Tenacious about finding new ways to bring in a little extra income for our family, he picked up this job. The bizarre thing about it is that he is in the wilderness (a 45 minute helicopter ride from civilization!). Radio silence for a week. This has never happened since I've known Joe and OH my heart feels heavy missing him. I love this sweet photo from last week of Liliana asleep on his lap. He is her first love, and she is so secure in his arms...

- The song "What I Wouldn't Do" by Serena Ryder. These days when we get in the car Liliana immediately says, "MOMMY DON'T SING!" Considering the fact that she begs me to sing her to sleep every nap and every night, this is (I hope) less a statement about my singing voice and more about the fact that I've sang this song too many times. However, the words are so powerful to me and resonate deeply in my heart. I love putting it on in the car and singing my heart out to it....to me it speaks of both fighting the good fight with my husband and not letting anything stop me from loving him as I'm called to, while simultaneously reminding me that he has opened my eyes to so much beauty and so much love. It's awesome!

- Sunshine! We've been blessed with some beautiful days of sunshine and the kids and I are taking advantage of it. Our poor home looks slightly neglected but when we wake up and see the sun shining it beckons us outside. I love seeing Liliana and her athletic little self motoring down the side walk on her strider bike, climbing at the park, and most recently jumping in the water at the SPRAY PARK! We've had two super fun outings to the spray park. Summer in Calgary is just glorious because it is not too hot to be outside, instead you can spend all day. Nothing like putting a child to sleep who has spent all day running and playing....instant slumber :)

She has her daddy's springy legs!

Sweet little man absolutely LOVES
splashing in the water!

These days this little one is unstoppable on any
climbing structure

We LOVE Auntie Anna! I captured this sweet candid moment between
Liliana and Auntie Anna today. L so looks up to her Auntie!

- Sibling love. These days Judah's absolute adoration for his big sister is all the more apparent. He literally seeks her constantly and his whole face lights up when he sees her! Whenever she makes happy sounds the most delighted little squeaks come out of Judah, as though he can't get enough of her happiness. It melts my heart and reminds me all the more the gift that siblings are to each other.

"Oh big sister, everything you do is so amazing!"
I love his hand on her leg...he is ALWAYS trying to hold onto her!

- Viber! Have you heard of the free app Viber? It is an awesome way to keep in touch (as long as you have either unlimited date or wifi). Jocelyn is in Spain and Eve has made her married way to Granada, but we've been able to send video, voice, and picture messages effortlessly and regularly through viber. It is AWESOME! (for a stay at home mom I suppose it is the little things that make life awesome, but for me this is one of them)

- Sweet chubby babies. Enough said.

"I'm a little uncertain here, mama!"

"If I smile will you pick me up?"

I am one blessed lady!

Love and prayers as always,

xoxo

When a Man is Loved

Our DEAR ONES, near and far, how we love and miss you! We are all doing very well here in our little basement home, especially now that the -30 has passed. Joe behaved like a true Canadian yesterday when he went for a long walk in -4 degree weather because it felt so "warm" out!

Thoughts for today...

I am blessed with beautiful friends, the kind of friends who challenge me to love more deeply and with a constant eye to avoiding complacency or apathy in my expectations of self.

Thank you my wonderful friends!

The other day we had a long and engaging conversation about our husbands. Oh dear! BUT, get this, it was not to complain about this, that, or the other thing. Of course, men and women are so very different and I assume we all could have brought "complaints" to the table. Instead, it was to marvel at how good our men are, and to mourn the ways in which we so often fall short of loving them...when we nag or belittle them. It made me really reflect...how exactly are we as women to love the hearts we have been entrusted with in our men? Especially in this confusing world, this crazy world...where our good and faithful husbands are beset with so many challenges to their masculinity and fidelity?

Our Superhero...trekked through

the jungle to find perfect leaves to

shelter us from the storm :)

One wonderful lady led me to this bible verse in which St. Peter encourages women to point their men to higher things through their loveliness, gentleness, and beauty of spirit (among other things). Of course, he also encourages wives to obey their husbands. Some may take offence at that suggestion, but I don't think he was asking us to see ourselves as inferior to our husbands. Instead, he was suggesting just how we may encourage them to become the "best version of themselves." (As our dear friend Matthew Kelly would say!).

My Joe is an incredible man, but he is even MORE heroic when he knows that I am proud of him - that he is my prince, my knight, and that I need him. It is as though, when I offer myself to him to be taken care of, his chest puffs out, his shoulders go back, and he feels as though can conquer the world!

Now, this is not saying that I'm not perfectly capable of taking care of myself. As a matter of fact, sometimes it takes patience for me to let my husband do his thing instead of just taking the reigns and being bossy :) However, the amazing flip side of this whole deal is that when I make the effort to nudge my husband towards the greatness he is capable of through my femininity and gentle love, he is MORE romantic, MORE thoughtful, and MORE generous, than ever before.

I experience that it is ok to not be superwoman, I can allow myself to be loved, and most often I end up being spoiled! I am aware of total equality with my husband through our complementarity in our family. We both grow in virtue, and hopefully closer towards our eternal home.

I know this is radical to some, if not most. It certainly is not the message us women are given today about how to behave towards our men, and is probably worth a book...not a measly blog. Maybe, just maybe it is food for thought? What do you all think?

Love from the great frozen North!

XOXO

The American Dream

Hello dear loved ones! ( I wrote this a week ago but just now am getting internet access to post it!)

I am here at Joe’s work with him (on Monday night), and thanks to the generosity of Joe’s gym manager have a computer at my disposal. A perfect time to update you all a little more while my handsome love brings home the bacon (quite literally these days due to my constant bacon desire!)…

We are 38 weeks pregnant today, and I get the sense this little person is quite comfortable in her warm womb. She still seems to have plenty of room to move and manoeuvre, which makes ME feel like she might never want to come out!  It’s ok, I trust she will be born at the perfect time, whenever she is ready! I certainly feel very pregnant, slow and lumbering and just plain ungraceful these days...not to mention I may or may not cry at the drop of a pin!

We celebrated our first Anniversary this weekend (which I will reflect on in another blog), but needless to say it was a perfect weekend! Joe and I got our hair cut on Saturday AND we went to confession, so now our insides and outsides are all ready for baby to arrive J

We sort of celebrated one year of marital bliss all weekend, which involved delicious noodle-box takeout on Saturday, a movie-night in on Saturday night, a big brunch on Sunday morning, and scrumptious Italian dinner on Sunday night. Oh, I forgot to mention that on Saturday night we re-created our honeymoon feasting with a Mediterranean picnic on our living room floor – complete with olive loaf, cheese, fruits and meats of all sorts, and of course dark chocolate. It was a weekend of true BLISS!

One of our many meals on our honeymoon. I miss Italy!!!! (And drinking wine) :)

 Joe played his final home game on Saturday, which was truly bittersweet for both of us. It has been such a challenging year for his basketball team. It is never fun to be part of a team on a losing streak, nor to have to navigate coaching changes/ losing players/ feelings of not playing to one’s full potential on the court. However, he played so strongly on Saturday, scoring 18 points, playing 37 minutes, and of course also supporting his team by being a super strong defensive player, rebounder, and setting up plays. I burst with pride when I watch my husband play basketball, and I will always be grateful for this opportunity to have witnessed him playing the sport he loves at a professional level.

Soo, the American Dream? Yes, he has been called that here. He amassed quite a fan base over the season, and at one particular home game one of his friends went into the announcer’s box and asked them to announce him as Joe Packard, “the American Dream”, the next time he was subbed on. Well, needless to say it stuck! Soooo hilarious. Joe doesn’t particularly love it, but I don’t mind if people think he is dreamy ;)

Anyhow, that is the little update for now! I am truly amazed, when I look at how we live our day to day to life here, at how far we’ve come in terms of operating here. I remember how frightened I used to be to venture out of the house. I was scared of driving, scared of ordering food at restaurants, scared of crossing the road because I always looked the wrong way, scared of having conversations with people because I never “got” their sense of humour. And now, here we are! I have learned so much about my ability to adapt, and about OUR ability to learn and grow together, conquering any challenge as long as we are side by side.

I have been reminiscing about summers of old due to the Stampede happening at the moment in Calgary. I can’t wait to bring our little girl to the Stampede and dress her up in her cowgirl duds! Needless to say, we miss you all terribly, but we are doing well and of course HAPPY!

Lots of love from Down Under!

xoxo

How can I love You even more than this?

Dearest ones, how are you today? You are going to have to excuse me for being cheesy and romantic. I just can't help it, maybe a little bit of pregnancy hormones, but I think more than anything you can blame my cheese on my ever growing gratitude for my dearest hubby.

The other day during class break I was having a discussion with my professor about the new trend, transhumanism, which professes the aim to make immortality possible for those who are genetically perfect (which they propose to do through eugenic manipulation). Someone asked, have they thought about what it means to never die? About how meaningless life would become when it just stretched on and on?  I agree, I can’t imagine knowing that this life would last forever, it would be so....bleak?

However, there is one reason why I can’t fathom physical death…and that is the immense love I have for my husband. We’ve only been married ten months and yet some nights I lie in bed unable to sleep because I can’t stand the thought of being separated from him eventually. It is the one reason getting older and the passage of time is so frightening to me! He is everything to me!! I truly ache for him when we've been apart half a day...he is my dearest beloved and my best friend. When I expressed this to my professor he only smiled, and told me that my love would only grow, that my spouse would only become more important to me, and my anticipation of one day being separated from him would become more and more painful! I can’t imagine!!!! Dr. Cooper said that he knows the death of his wife (if she dies before him) will be the certain death of a part of himself. Bernard, a class mate, said the same…that his attachment to his wife is only more intense than it has ever been (they’ve been married 30 years or so!). 

Anyhow, my heart gets tight in my chest when I think about how I love my husband. It is almost painful to love someone so much, yet he and our love is most sublime gift my life has brought to me. I know that many of you feel that way, and yet it is one of those things that simply can’t be described until it is experienced. Oh if only I could live forever only so I could love my Joe forever! I suppose that is reason in itself to love him as deeply, fully, and selflessly every day, so that I can never look back and wish I’d used the gift of time better. Speaking of looking back, I’ve been looking at old pics lately, so I thought I’d put some up from the very beginning of our relationship!

When I cheered on the baseball and not the basketball bleachers :) Such a handsome baseball player he is!

The first time Joe joined our family in Hawaii...such fun hiking!

The very first picture ever taken of us...at our friend Zac's birthday at the good old "Sugar Shack" in Dallas!



Cheering for the Mavs during playoffs....too bad they weren't doing as well then as they are now! Look at that Handsome shaved head....

'SIGH'

Oh a completely different note, the spiders have gone away with the cold but I may be scarred for life because today there was a cockroach that crawled into my hot chocolate while I wasn’t looking. It took a while for me to recover from that scare! He is now down the toilette, followed by lots of bleach so he doesn’t come back up and surprise one of us. Ewwww!

That’s all for today, dear loved ones…just the musings of a deeply in love wife, and a deeply grateful lady.  We miss you, of course! I know I say that every time I write but it is SO TRUE.  Long distance hugs from Melbourne to all of you, please know that we hold you close in our prayers.

xoxo

The Resident Athlete

So, all three of us in our house are growing right now...just in all different directions! The other day Joe walked out of the bedroom wearing his long sleeve undershirt that we'd bought last year and he was literally bursting out of it in the bicep/chest/back area. With an appalled look he wondered "what has happened to my shirt, did someone do laundry recently?" Oh, WOE IS YOU, I wanted to shout, your muscles are just getting tooooo big for all of your shirts. (Not to mention, who do you think I am? I never shrink your clothes!) He stands in front of the mirror lamenting that his shirts don't fit, while I lament at the same time but it is  not my biceps that are bulging! I truly do not lament, because I don't resent a single ounce of growth on the part of our wee one, but I do agonize over just how to clothe my new shape :) We had a good laugh about our growing pains. Little One has grown the most (proportionally) as he or she is now the size of a 6 inch or so sweet potato. We heard the sweet and strong heart beat the other day, and our wonderful doctor laughed over just how much the baby was moving around, we had to keep re-locating the heart beat! "We've got a little track star in there", Joe said!

Anyhow, I don't have much time to write more, but I wanted to post some recent pictures of Joe playing basketball (for all of his fans out there) :) Mama and Papa Packard (and Grandparents in California also) I'm thinking especially of you!

Look at that intense face!

Shootin' a free throw!

Hang time!

My man can JUMP!

Life is great for us! We have lots of challenges, but most of all we laugh sooo much! I am just so in love with my husband and despite all of his hard work and the frustrations of the job search, he is still so very romantic and thoughtful. We are reading a wonderful book right now called, "Parenting with Grace." We just finished a chapter on relating styles and we learned so much more about each other and our different needs based on our relating style. My dear Beloved has a kinesthetic relating style (or touch) while I am visual, which explained alot! Needless to say I am sooo thankful for these wonderful Catholic thinkers who aid us in our path to holiness and a joy-filled marriage, and help us understand each others "quirks".

If you want to keep up with Joe's team you can check out this link. Their first game is on March 19th and he is starting! Go Eagles!! http://www.sportingpulse.com/comp_info.cgi?a=ROUND&round=-1&client=1-913-0-151640-0&pool=-1

We love you, our dear ones. We pray for you always, especially those of you who may have extra suffering in your lives right now. We miss you so very much and can't wait to be home and close one day soon! XOXO

(AND THE LITTLE BEAR)

Time Marches On

I can't believe it's been almost 2 weeks since I wrote last. Honestly the days have sort of melted together and the weeks have flown by! We really are in quite a pattern now, Joe with his regular work shifts and me with the ins and outs of my days. I've been working hard at the primary school, and hard at my writing...all in all it makes us both exhausted at the end of the day and so ready for rest. Isn't it funny how life is? I mean, in a sense it's tempting to be disillusioned by the fact that our dreams are so big and sometimes reality is a far cry from what we envisioned for ourselves. For example, before we came here I had these big aspirations for travelling on the weekend, exploring, camping, etc. Yet, we don't have time much less income for such things! Goodness Emily, what were you thinking? And so instead, here we are in Australia and for the most part we can't even really explore the city we are living in because at this point we are still trying to get our feet on the ground. Yet, at the same time life has sent so many hidden blessings our way because we are having to work so hard. We are closer than ever, and the simplest things give us SUCH great joy! We worry together, yes, but it unites us in our faith and hope and drives us to aspire in a new and better way. We rejoice over a teensy, semi-rusty, 13 year old car that seriously seems a miracle to us. Just a few years ago I would not have felt that way about it. God knows what He is doing, and He has made us so HAPPY, that's all I have to say about that.

What can I tell you? Well, last time I wrote I promised to recount our Thanksgiving celebration. On Thanksgiving Thursday here in Melbourne we rejoiced in Joe's day off! We headed into Melbourne to do some errands. While we were in the city we stopped at the Queen Victoria Market. Usually we are pretty simple when we shop there, the prices are just so amazing, but on Thanksgiving we bought a whole roasted chicken, a loaf of olive bread, and hummus. OH. MY. GOODNESS. You've never seen such a feast! We ate it right then and there, and honestly in that moment I was so content....we felt so rich and so spoiled. We had to sit and digest for a bit after. Here are some before and after pictures of my American hubby on his holiday.




Also, we picked up our beautiful little miracle car! Joe was seriously a CHAMP learning to drive manual and learning to drive it on the wrong side of the road. He picked it up in half an hour, and that very day we were able to drive half an hour home without so much as one stall or tense moment. I can't quite describe the sense of freedom I had when we were driving home. I was thinking...this was all us, we accomplished this together, and boy does it feel amazing. We took a picture with our new set of keys....

I think that is all for tonight. It's 9:00 pm here, and Joe will be home in about 45 minutes from work so I am off to make him some dinner. We are striving to live a holy and faithful advent, but it hasn't been easy! It is so easy to lapse into routine and forget to make time for prayer, or to start feeling tired and allow prayer to be the first thing to go. In a way, it's quite easy to feel united with the Holy Family this Advent. We are far from home and uncertain of what is next. Unfortunately, so often I find myself behaving in ways far from Holy Family behavior (aka selfishly)...and so we try, try again!

We love you all and miss you so very much. We pray for you and all of your intentions this Advent season and of course we ask for your prayers. xoxo