The Scars of Love

6 Years! 6 years of marriage, how can it be? This morning I sat clicking through over 1000 wedding photos. I had picked less than 100 as my favourites 6 years ago, and today I sat scrolling through them again. After these 6 years, certain images had a new and beautiful weight to them and stood out to me in ways they hadn't years ago. It was beautiful, and nostalgic, and entirely interrupted by a preschooler and toddler whose needs were still immediate, no matter the day.

I wish I had something profound and existential to write about these 6 years with my beloved. And yet, my mind is tired and foggy, my body is weary, these days have been busy days. Despite it all my heart is light and my soul full of joy. This, my friends, is where the contrast strikes me.

This love, this true married love, one of I-THOU, me and my beloved, each reflecting back to the other worthiness, beauty, eternity.....this love leaves us tired, this love has left scars and yet our hearts are light and full of joy. I have a burn scar on my arm from a frying pan when I tripped over a toddler playing on the kitchen floor, always wanting to be close to mama. I have stretch marks and a still remaining linea negra from the 2 times I carried our darlings. My body is different....softer in some places, more angular in other, less shapely in still others. my hairline is different from postpartum loss and regrowth. These are only the scars you can see. There are the unseen scars as well... those of loving 3 beings, (4 if you count our sweet one in heaven), so much that your heart is forever scarred by the bittersweet passing of time. There are scars of loving my husband so deeply that I am ever aware of my own journey, and how much I have to grow in order to be less selfish. There are scars of working on a marriage or growing as mother, and falling and rising to try again because love is worth it. There are even the scars of the pain of post partum depression, unemployment, and sickness.

But oh, these scars. The majesty, the beauty, the eternity, the sacredness - even in the ugliness and the brokenness they are beautiful and I am humbled to be growing worthy of them.

I have scars, other scars, from broken relationships, poor decision makings, self-loathing, and selfishness. These scars are weighty and in moments they threaten to discourage me.  This is the beautiful thing about married love and how the scars differ. They have a sort of weight that, heavy and profound, mysteriously unshackles me from myself and makes me free. The incredible reality of making a gift of my life and discovering my own worthiness and beauty in the self-giving. In this love I also discover my worthiness and beauty because of the epic, heroic, unwavering love my husband has for me. He looks at me and I see reflected back to me a potential I never knew I existed (even when he is annoyed with me, maybe especially when he is, haha!). He sees me, truly sees me, and the more he knows my heart and soul the more deeply he loves me. How could one not be set free to dream in the security of such a love?

6 beautiful years! I am excited to see what this next year will bring.

Thank you for your love and prayers on our anniversary,

xo

St. Patrick's Day and the Day It All Began (Officially)

St. Patrick's day is tomorrow, but these next few days are going to be incredibly busy! Joe and his high school boys team have made the provincial championships, so in a couple hours the four of us trek to Pincher Creek Alberta to coach (him) and cheer (us). Which means that we won't have much time for St. Paddy's day celebrations other than some rousing "Go Go Gos".

Mach 17th is one of those days that holds a beautiful, happy, lifelong memory for me. 7 years ago, when St. Patrick's day rolled around, Joe and I had been spending as many hours each day as we could together and yet we weren't "official." This was despite the fact that he had already told me that he was going to marry me, and I believed him! I mean seriously, he is so creative and he did so many beautiful romantic things for me. He was very intent on wooing! One in particular that stands out is a picnic in the woods that he planned. He tricked me into walking that way with a friend, and before I knew it there was a path of candles and rocks in heart shapes leading me to a picnic nestled in the woods and a bouquet of wild flowers. My Joe, he always does things a little unconventionally, but always so beautifully.

Being the romantic that he is, he wanted to do things the old fashioned way and seal the deal that we were going "steady". He had been promising me for weeks that he would teach me how to pitch. I didn't know anything about baseball prior to meeting Joe, but as he was pitching for the varsity team I sure spent many hours getting to know the game very quickly! I was so fascinated by all of the different pitches. Being the clueless Canadian that I was, I thought the pitcher just threw the ball as fast as he could as straight as he could. Silly me!

Joe asked me, after his game on St. Patrick's day if I wanted to play catch! He taught me a curve ball, slider, and change up. Of course, I kept throwing the ball everywhere but to his glove. One of the times that he was chasing after one of my wild throws he switched the ball we were using and passed me a ball on which he had written, "will you be my girlfriend?"

Of course I swooned at the cheesiness and leaped in his arms and kissed his face and said YES!

I think that falling in love should be cheesy. There is enough time to be serious in life, so if you are reading this and falling-in-love with your forever Love has not yet happened to you, when it does, allow yourself to fall hard and be cheesy. Don't hold back, because the farther you fall the deeper your conviction of love will be, even on the days when love doesn't feel easy.

So, Happy St. Patrick's day to all of you, dear ones! May your day be blessed with abundant joy!

On Being Sick, Las Vegas, and My Best Friend

I can't believe it is the second half of September! The days are flying by but as I look out of our windows and see the yellow leaves beautifully radiant against the blue sky I am grateful for the change in season.

I have not yet written about Joe and I's little trip to Las Vegas, and afraid that the days will continue to fly and the memories fade, I wanted to jot them down here. We had not been away together, except for one quick night, since our children have joined us! The dreamer that I am, I'd literally been scouting out places for us to visit for over a year. We were going to celebrate both our 30th birthdays and our anniversary with the trip! However, with no holiday time for Joe and very busy grandparent babysitters, we settled for a quick but wonderful trip to Las Vegas. Personally, I'd been feeling so tired that I just wanted to eat breakfast in bed and sit by a nice pool sipping something tropical. 

As you see, I DID get breakfast in bed!

We also spent some wonderful time in the pool!

That week both of our children and Joe had a stomach virus. As always seems to happen, I didn't get it. I think that I am so stubborn that I refuse to get sick when my dear ones need me. The rule is though, as soon as you can get sick because no one is depending on you, you do! So, as soon as our flight took off I found myself wrapped around the plane toilet wishing that there was a cold floor to lay my feverish head on. I had to laugh and cry, knowing that we had budgeted so hard and planned so much for this trip and now here I was feeling so terribly!

I've read so many articles that say "my spouse is not my best friend," the point being that your spousal relationship is different from a friend relationship, and that you need both. This has always irked me a little, because in our case Joe is absolutely my best friend. I have many dear DEAR friends, but if I have a free night I want to be with Joe, if I have a suffering I want to share it with him, if there is adventure to be had, I cannot imagine it without him. I think that over the years this has actually protected our marriage, because neither of us has someone else who we would go to and talk about our problems. We go on dates, and conflict resolve over beer and chicken wings....and when the conflict is resolved we chink our glasses and have some fun. I digress, although in my mind it all makes sense.... (and not to tell anyone who has a spouse that isn't their best friend that my way is better, either, just different!)

It would have felt like a terrible tragedy to me if Las Vegas was meant to be a romantic getaway alone. When one has a stomach bug there is not much romance happening. However, as I sat there on the plane with my eyes closed praying that I would not have to use the bag Joe was holding open for me I actually laughed. "This is marriage", I thought, "rolling with the punches, making good times out of the tough, looking back with fondness over a moment that felt so hard you thought it might break you." While our room was beautifully luxurious with a bath big enough for two, the pool sprawling, the food tantalizing, the entertainment worth the dream, what sticks out to me is that somehow the reality always ends up trumping the fantasy. This is not what I would expect, considering that the fantasy is always, on paper, so wonderful. We adventured, and saw Vegas, and made the best of feeling only OK, but really the best time of the trip was sitting on our king sized bed in cuddly robes (well me, not him!), just being together. He is my dearest love and also my dearest friend, and it makes everything feel so easy as long as he is there. If I'm being entirely honest of course I would have chosen to not have the flu on our trip, but all things considered it was entirely wonderful. 

Anyhow, a few pictures from our time...

A cheesy throwback to our honeymoon, where we took pictures by the real Eiffel Tower!

Espresso at 10 pm? When you kiddos won't have you up at the crack of dawn, why not? Staying awake before seeing Cirque du Soleil

Joe was so amazed that he could smoke indoors that he asked me to take a picture of this moment

The view from our dinner table, it actually was very beautiful!

Thank you for reading, I close quickly to deal with my dearest ones who covered their little bodies with greasy nivea cream earlier today and desperately need bathtub time. Ah, reality!

With love,

The American Dream

Hello dear loved ones! ( I wrote this a week ago but just now am getting internet access to post it!)

I am here at Joe’s work with him (on Monday night), and thanks to the generosity of Joe’s gym manager have a computer at my disposal. A perfect time to update you all a little more while my handsome love brings home the bacon (quite literally these days due to my constant bacon desire!)…

We are 38 weeks pregnant today, and I get the sense this little person is quite comfortable in her warm womb. She still seems to have plenty of room to move and manoeuvre, which makes ME feel like she might never want to come out!  It’s ok, I trust she will be born at the perfect time, whenever she is ready! I certainly feel very pregnant, slow and lumbering and just plain ungraceful these days...not to mention I may or may not cry at the drop of a pin!

We celebrated our first Anniversary this weekend (which I will reflect on in another blog), but needless to say it was a perfect weekend! Joe and I got our hair cut on Saturday AND we went to confession, so now our insides and outsides are all ready for baby to arrive J

We sort of celebrated one year of marital bliss all weekend, which involved delicious noodle-box takeout on Saturday, a movie-night in on Saturday night, a big brunch on Sunday morning, and scrumptious Italian dinner on Sunday night. Oh, I forgot to mention that on Saturday night we re-created our honeymoon feasting with a Mediterranean picnic on our living room floor – complete with olive loaf, cheese, fruits and meats of all sorts, and of course dark chocolate. It was a weekend of true BLISS!

One of our many meals on our honeymoon. I miss Italy!!!! (And drinking wine) :)

 Joe played his final home game on Saturday, which was truly bittersweet for both of us. It has been such a challenging year for his basketball team. It is never fun to be part of a team on a losing streak, nor to have to navigate coaching changes/ losing players/ feelings of not playing to one’s full potential on the court. However, he played so strongly on Saturday, scoring 18 points, playing 37 minutes, and of course also supporting his team by being a super strong defensive player, rebounder, and setting up plays. I burst with pride when I watch my husband play basketball, and I will always be grateful for this opportunity to have witnessed him playing the sport he loves at a professional level.

Soo, the American Dream? Yes, he has been called that here. He amassed quite a fan base over the season, and at one particular home game one of his friends went into the announcer’s box and asked them to announce him as Joe Packard, “the American Dream”, the next time he was subbed on. Well, needless to say it stuck! Soooo hilarious. Joe doesn’t particularly love it, but I don’t mind if people think he is dreamy ;)

Anyhow, that is the little update for now! I am truly amazed, when I look at how we live our day to day to life here, at how far we’ve come in terms of operating here. I remember how frightened I used to be to venture out of the house. I was scared of driving, scared of ordering food at restaurants, scared of crossing the road because I always looked the wrong way, scared of having conversations with people because I never “got” their sense of humour. And now, here we are! I have learned so much about my ability to adapt, and about OUR ability to learn and grow together, conquering any challenge as long as we are side by side.

I have been reminiscing about summers of old due to the Stampede happening at the moment in Calgary. I can’t wait to bring our little girl to the Stampede and dress her up in her cowgirl duds! Needless to say, we miss you all terribly, but we are doing well and of course HAPPY!

Lots of love from Down Under!

xoxo