Liliana's Favorite Colour

I've been so neglectful of this wonderful little space! Since September life has been moving at an absolutely furious pace, probably exacerbated in my experience by the necessary life adjustments that come with school being a part of our reality!

Anyhow, over the next few days I am hoping to take some time and jot down memories from advent and Christmas, in the hopes of capturing them, in all of their fleeting beauty and sweetness, for the sake of my children. 

We spent an impromptu Christmas with extended family in the Montana woods, and my, was it marvelous! I will spend time in another post sharing precious memories. This little post is dedicated to Liliana's answer to a dinner-time question on our last night. 

As we all sat around together eating dinner, the question of "What is your favorite colour, and why?" was asked.

Our sweet, determined, introverted girl, who very much knows her own mind, volunteered to go first.

"My favorite colour is red." Immediately I was surprised as I always thought her favorite colour was pink! "Because it is the colour of my heart and my heart is where God is."

Joe and I exchanged glances behind her back. That is the sort of moment where you don't want to see your child reacting, because you want them to be free to say that sort of thing without looking for applause or affirmation. Of course we exclaimed that it was a lovely answer and a great colour to be your favorite.

I still don't know whether red truly is her favorite colour. If I were to offer her an item of clothing in pink or red I think she would pick pink! However, I think her answer gave much insight into who our lovely little lady is growing to be and how we can help her. Perhaps part of her answer is because she knew it was a good answer. Perhaps part of her answer is because she knew it was the ideal, or she had some perception that the question was deeper than it seemed. Most certainly it affirms her emotional sensitivity and intelligence, and it inspires me to protect and foster her EQ as we help her through this first year of kindergarten, in which her introversion and shyness have been at times considered problematic. It definitely affirms for me that our efforts to make our home and life God-centered are not lost, even in the midst of the little temper tantrums and feisty five year old behaviors.

Yes, my darling, you do have God in your heart. A beautiful, life-giving, grace-infusing presence of our heavenly King who loved you into existence. May your daddy and I continue to show you and teach you just how loved you are!

Our sweet grown up girl on Christmas Eve!

May your 2017 be starting with much joy and light!

To My Tiny Baby

"For this Child I have prayed, and the Lord has granted the desires of my heart." 1 Sam 1:27

5 Weeks

My tiny baby. You are only 5 weeks old, so hidden in my belly, so little and new, so loved by us!

Your sister has become my handmaiden, literally on my heels every moment of the day asking if there is anything I need. Your big brother keeps asking me if you will come out in the morning and I have to tell him that it will still be many mornings until he can stand by you with his sword and be your protector. Today he lit a candle before St. Joseph for you with daddy. He loves you!

As if daddy could do anything more he has been doing the chores and making mommy stay in bed longer or go to bed earlier. He is determined that you and I will both be healthy and strong, physically and emotionally!

We have dreamt about you for so very long and now our dreams are intensified. We wonder who you are, what your name is, what you look like. I dream about feeling your first fluttery kicks and your somersaults. You are so new and yet we have not been able to contain our secret from our friends and family. From the moment that you were you have been your own unique person, an eternal soul of infinite worth and we could not help but share the news of YOU.

Already there are little sacrifices involved with holding you safe in my belly, little selfish habits that I held to tightly that I have to let go for love of you. Already, my tiny baby, you make me better, more selfless, more resolute. Thank you!

We are counting the weeks until we meet you. They will go so slow and so fast all at the same time. In the meantime we will keep dreaming about you and praying for you.

I love you!

6 Weeks

My tiny baby. How I love you! You are 6 weeks and 3 days old, and starting to make your presence known a little more. You are already showing your unique you-ness, as you make Mama sick in the morning and not the night like your brother and sister. Mama has been pretty ill for the last 2 weeks with a sinus infection, and with the added nausea I've been a little cranky. However, I remind myself to be GRATEFUL. These are all signs of you, our darling. It is all for you and for our family, and it is all such meaningful suffering.

I went for a walk yesterday and was reminded of how I love these moments before the world knows about you. Anyone looking at me would have seen one person out for a walk....but there were 2 of us! Two people, two guardian angels....I'm never alone. I love having you with me.

I am counting the days until I can be a little more certain that you are OK in there. Until then we pray hard, loving you more and more.

12 Weeks

My tiny baby, you are 2 inches long now! Oh how I love you. I haven't written here since we started telling friends and family about you, perhaps because since then I seem to talk about you all the time. Your brother and sister only want to talk about you, or read books about how you are growing, or talk about what you should be named or whose bed you should sleep in. We pray for you at every meal and we give thanks for you and pray for you at bed time. It is Judah and Liliana's number one prayer intention these days. It is so fun!

The time is flying and I am simultaneously grateful and frightened by that. There are so many things i want to do before you are born....organizational things that would make me more ready for you. However all of my best intentions for fitness and productivity disappeared by how tired growing you as made me. I am hopeful the energy comes back, or maybe I'll have to ask for help, which wouldn't be so bad either.

Either way, I dream about you daily. I already yearn to have you in my arms and know you are safe. The second trimester certainly brings a little more security, but pregnancy after having experienced miscarriage is different than before. I am fearful for your safety and oh, so aware that every moment with you is a gift. Thank you for being part of our family!

10 weeks

12 Weeks you are the size of a LIME!

12 Weeks 

I love you so much. Keep growing my sweet little one!

To My Darling on Your First Day of Kingdergarten

My beautiful Girl! Here we are, the first day of kindergarten. I rejoice and feel mournful at this new step in our family's life....for sending you off to school will affect all of us. The simple ins and outs of spontaneous days with you and Judah at home will change. We will enjoy the new structure and we will find it a hard adjustment. Most of all, I will MISS you, my darling. I know this is just one more moment of letting go. We aren't warned that to be a parent is to be constantly letting go. You were in my belly and I so loved having you there. When you were born, oh how I missed having you so close. Those moments of missing you have continued as you grow in independence, grace, knowledge, and beauty! 

So fresh and new....I blinked and here we are all these years later!

We had a bit of a funny day "practicing" kindergarten last week. You and Mommy went to school to see where you would hang your backpack, put your outdoor shoes, sit, play, and learn. We did a craft, and much to my dismay I realized that I've never really taught you to use scissors, even though we have used scissors I never made sure you had it "right". I tried not to compare as I looked around and saw the other children having an easier time than you! I came home and cried to your daddy that I had not prepared you for kindergarten. He looked at me and sternly told me to evaluate the ways in which I had prepared you for kindergarten....skills and ways-of-being that cannot be learned in a week the same way scissor use can be. 

I realized that my deepest dream for you is that we have prepared you to go to school and be a little person of light, compassion, joy, and empathy. I pray we have taught you to have courage and persevere, to embrace challenges, and to have humility when you need help. 

You have had such a happy little life so far. I think that most of the learning that happened in our house was through happy playtime.

Italy and Ireland with Nanny and Papa

We had the happiest days on Maui together

Make believe is an every day thing around here!

You've travelled to several countries, you have spent countless hours outdoors in the mud lost in imaginary play, riding your bike, jumping, running, throwing, sliding, swinging. You love bugs and animals, crafts, baking, play dough. Dressing up and make-believe is your happy place, and it is sometimes hard to bring you back to the real world! You are AMAZING at making messes. You love helping daddy with building fires, painting projects, nailing, and even sawing. Spending time on Nonna and Papa's ranch helping with the animals and chores is one of your absolute favourite things to do.

In Texas, one of your most beloved places!

Daddy prince, one of my favourite memories of you and daddy's play time!

Thanks to doing music from a young age your memory work is incredible and you can recite prayers, poems, and songs after only hearing them a few times. You love to be read to and are currently devouring "Little House in the Big Woods" with Mama. 

You have a kind and tender heart, my sweet girl. I pray we have taught you to see in each new person someone of beauty and value. You are easily frustrated and overwhelmed, (and you have a bit of a temper!)...I hope we have given you tools to acknowledge and work through those feelings when you are presented with challenges in school. 

My little darling, it is hard for me to let you go! The world is a scary place sometimes, and I just want to snatch you to my heart and hold you close. However, the world is more beautiful than it is scary and I dream for you to take this first big step out into that world with a heart that sees the beauty and rejoices in it, knowing that you are eternally loved, treasured, and worthy. 

The best news of all? You are only 5 years old.....may I continue to treasure these years of snuggles, learning, growing, and playing!

We love you so!