Remembering....

Remembering, with a slightly achy but joyfully overflowing heart....

- feverishly keeping our home clean as we waited with baited breath for our son. A nightly vacuum and mop, scrubbed counters, clutter gone, towels piled and the pool blown up downstairs, a teensy hat set aside

- holding my sweet daughter a little closer knowing that soon she would be a big sister and that the simplicity of our days as a family of three would be changed

- talking to our unborn baby every night telling him how we couldn't wait to meet him

- looking at my big belly in the mirror and dreaming of the teeny person inside, not knowing what he looked like or who he would be, and wondering if I'd ever look or feel like myself again (if I'm being entirely honest!)

- the first flutters of excitement in my heart when I thought "today might be the day!"

- sending L out the door to her grandparents and wishing I could snatch her up and hold her forever

- dancing in the dark kitchen through contractions, telling our boy I loved him and that he was very safe

- feeling utterly and perfectly connected to my handsome husband as we awaited our babe together and he anticipated my every need

- a flurry of excitement when our midwives arrived, midnight, snow falling, baby coming SOON

- the intense, utter, gut wrenching, life changing love I had for our son the moment I scooped him up out of the water and held him in my arms

- the sweet sounds newborn Judah made - no crying or screaming, just darling little 'bleating' noises

- being unable to sleep that night....tucked in bed by our midwives after a glass of champagne and piece of banana bread....he's mine? he's ours? how is this possible? how are we so blessed?

"Before you were conceived, I wanted you. Before you were born, I loved you. Before you were here an hour, I would die for you. This is the miracle of love.” (Maureen Hawkins)

I can't believe our sweet Judah is 1 year old in just two days. Where has the year gone? 

xoxo

Enough

"But he said to me, 'My grace is sufficient for you, for power is made perfect in weakness.' I will rather boast most gladly of my weaknesses, in order that the power of Christ may dwell with me. Therefore, I am content with weaknesses, insults, hardships, persecutions, and constraints, for the sake of Christ; for when I am weak, then I am strong." 2 Corinthians 12:9

We have had an interesting first four years of marriage. Jetting off to Australia with 5000 dollars cash to our name and a hotel for 5 days, a daughter born there, a return to Canada only to live in my parent's basement as Joe waited for status, working for a start up company...by no means are we the poster family for "be established and secure before getting married and starting a family."

For sure throughout the course of our marriage I have often wondered "will there be enough?". On its most basic level this has had to do with enough money to get by. However, as a wife and mother I often ask the same question with regards to time, energy, patience, LOVE. "Will there be enough?"

It has been astounding to me that, if we are doing our utmost to love always and do the right thing, the answer is always YES. The most startling thing about our life, as I look back over these years, is that if we dare to love greatly, BEYOND OUR MEANS, we are never left wanting.

In Australia, soon after moving there and yet feeling called to be open to a new life in the midst of all, we found ourselves expecting a baby and wondering what the next step was. I wondered, have we risked too much? Was our openness reckless? Do we have enough to get by? Within weeks we had been given a gorgeous granny-flat for next to no rent in one of the most desirable locations. Of course, we still had to work hard to make ends meet but we were so secure and cared for. Not only this, but my prenatal care was entirely covered by the Australian government. We experienced incredible midwife care and a birth centre birth. There was far more than enough, there was an abundance.

For most of our married life we've had very little as far as savings and income goes. There have been a few moments where I felt legitimate fear over how to make our next grocery shop happen and started sorting through our belongings to sell those things that we don't need (a very healthy exercise by the way!). Oftentimes in those moments we have also felt called to certain acts of simple generosity; whether it be hosting friends for dinner, providing a meal for someone sick or in need, buying a gift, travelling to see family because we knew how much it would mean to them, or lending money to someone who could not get by without. Sometimes we've wondered, in retrospect, whether these decisions were most prudent. Without question, each time we have acted in generosity beyond our means, we have somehow come upon money or groceries in abundance.

This blog post is not an ad for reckless spending or imprudent lending, but it is a reflection on our efforts to live abundantly in generous love. I can so easily apply these lessons to how I love my husband and how we love our children. SO many days I wake exhausted and wondering where the energy will come from to love deeply, to read, sing, play, dance....and then to do all of the normal things like cook, clean, bathe, or I don't know, think? Those days where I ruminate and pity my self are the days where the energy is limited and the patience seems short. Those days where I dig deep and seek abundant living are the days where there is enough! 

With this comes the important and humbling realization that I am weak and I need grace to be the wife, mother, and friend I am called to be. On my own, I really can't do it, but if I forge ahead with love, Love Himself will make much out of my little.

I have experienced this lesson over and over, and yet still I doubt. Still there are days where fear and anxiety propel me, consequently restricting my ability to love those around me with generosity and selflessness. Yet on those days when hope, peace, and TRUST motivate me, when I accept that alone I can do nothing, when I place my trust in a good God who supplies my every need and calms my every fear, those are the days when there is enough.

Onwards and upwards, right little Judah?
There is certainly enough cuteness to go around these days!!

xoxo

Thanksgiving

“Piglet noticed that even though he had a Very Small Heart, it could hold a rather large amount of Gratitude.”  

― A.A. Milne, Winnie-the-Pooh

Oh Thanksgiving...the smell of leaves and crisp air, the crunch underfoot, the fall flavours of a thanksgiving meal, songs and poems about turkeys, crafts.

I truly love this season of Autumn. Thanksgiving, placed right in the middle of it with its pumpkin flavoured goodness and colourful festivity, only makes it more delectable in every way!

I try to have a big heart, but admittedly with my melancholy tendencies and desire for perfection it is sometimes too small. I have noticed, though, that gratitude makes it swell and expand...gratitude pushes aside the selfishness and introspection, opening my heart to more generosity and more joy. What a beautiful thing that we have a day to refocus on living with a grateful heart!

Here in the Packard house we continue to work towards establishing our family culture. We are trying to create traditions and practices that are meaningful to us and will always be special memories for our children.....traditions that they will want to continue with their families many years from now.

One such tradition is the building of a tee pee. My Love's sweet mama used to make tee pees with Joe when he was a little boy, and he reminisces about it often. Finally, this Thanksgiving weekend, he made it happen for our children and OH was it fun. Squirt sat in it for many hours, snuggled up with snacks and books. I know it made her Daddy's heart so happy.

Little Judah, whom Joe has affectionately named Critter, is in a terribly frustrating funny phase. He is SO feisty, so immediately angry when things aren't going his way, and so obsessed with his Daddy. I am starting to learn how very different boys are from girls! All of the outside play this weekend has been so good for him. It has made my heart happy to see his little face covered in dirt, his jeans dusty and hands full of fun discoveries. Now, if only he would learn that everything doesn't need to be taste tested!

Outside cleaning up our front and backyards for many months of winter snow, we had tons of fun playing in the leaves. Joe, Squirt, and Critter also created their very own scarecrow, which is currently perched in our overgrown mess of weeds garden "protecting" the strawberry plants from rabbits and squirrels. I am sure a Thanksgiving scarecrow will become a tradition alongside the tee pee.

Last night sitting around a notably small Thanksgiving table (we were missing all of my aunts, uncles, and cousins from my mom's side), I was so struck by how full of joy the room was even though the crowd was small. Oddly enough, each family sitting there had a difficult year in their own way (although don't we all have difficult years in our own ways?). What I mean is, most had some pronounced suffering that had impacted their year, whether it be illness, financial trouble, or insecure job situations. However, the most notable thing was that small sufferings had created deeper gratitude for the things that are lasting and meaningful. Being stripped of security in some small or big way shone a light on what makes us most secure, most fulfilled, most humble. 

When it was my turn to express my gratitude last night it was very simple, two things stood out to me. I am so grateful for my Love. My sweet husband, you are my one and only, I love you more each year. The crazy beautiful life we have been blessed with is such a gift because of YOU. Darling Judah David, you also I am so grateful for. Your arrival into our life turned almost everything upside down, and yet my heart hurts when I think of how much I love you. Our family without you is inconceivable. You have blessed us in ways I can't express. Thank you!

God bless you dear friends and loved ones. Happy Thanksgiving!

xoxo