“As you do not know the path of the wind, or how the body is formed in a mother’s womb, so you cannot understand the work of God, the Maker of all things."
Well I am sitting here on a very rainy Friday night, and with a sigh of relief I write this blog because it means that life is settling down and returning to normal (whatever that is!). I have rescued the neighbor's dog from the pelting rain, his family is not home yet, and so he is laying here with me and it is nice to have the companionship of this quirky little dog while Joe is off at work. I'll have to take a picture of him, he has a deformed paw which sits ever so cutely to the side when he is still...and when Joe and I leave he sticks his little face under the gate and watches us drive away. It is enough to break your heart! Joe says that’s what I look like watching out the window when he leaves for work, so I suppose this little puppy dog and I have enough in common.
I sigh also because life is so full of mystery...and so many events in our lives remind me of that lately. This little one growing mysteriously in my womb (more on that in a minute), the uncertainties of the paths our lives will take and the will of God for them, the frightening storms and natural disasters that have left so many people homeless or afraid in other parts of Australia. I know for now we are so very happy, and pray every day that we walk in the path God intends for us to walk, but it is all a mystery and sometimes frighteningly so.
Practically, we are doing amazingly well! Ever since we've moved into our little apartment it has been nothing but joy. For the first time I've felt truly peaceful with the idea of being here in Melbourne for a few years, and I think it's because we have a little home, a safe haven that is shelter from all of the sometimes scary and overwhelming realities of the big world out there. I am a 25 year old woman saying that the world is scary, but sometimes (especially since this move) I feel very little and very insecure. It is amazing how small you can feel once you start to realize just how big the world is and what a task it is to walk through that world and be a person of light.
Our apartment is beautiful. The first night here was truly hilarious (although at the time I wanted to cry). We'd been planning a beautiful spaghetti and meatball dinner for our first night in our new house. Of course, getting used to the fact that we have a makeshift kitchen made the process for cooking the dinner about 20x longer than it needed to be. We finally ate around 11:00 pm, and I felt so exhausted I really could care less if we were eating anchovies with their heads on. We finished only to have to attempt to do the dishes. Not having established the kick-butt system we have going now for washing the dishes in the shower, we got spaghetti sauce EVERYWHERE. The floors were covered, the mirrors were covered, and we were covered...and sweaty, and so unimpressed. I thought, "no way no how." But, if you can believe it, we are pros now, I can't even imagine it being any other way and I've been able to cook beautiful gourmet meals using our limited resources with ease. We are so excited that this is our starter house. It is the best thing that could have happened for us!
I started school, an intensive course called "Current Controversies in Bioethics." It was a super intense week of school all day, however I am absolutely blessed beyond compare to be studying under one of the most recognized (and perhaps sometimes most hated) bioethicist in the nation. I will write more about Dr. Nicholas Tonti-Fillipini in my next blog, but suffice it to say I am truly humbled to be studying under such a man of greatness...I'll leave that as a hook to get you to read the next blog :)
Baby, yes baby has grown beyond belief! I can't believe how big he/she has gotten...apparently we don't have twins on either side of the family so it seems that baby is simply big. I wonder if perhaps our sweet pea has inherited Joe's long limbs and that’s why they've announced their presence through a big, round baby bump. It is such a joy to be "showing" mostly because it has allowed Joe to become more a part of the pregnancy. The sweetest moments are when he talks to our baby, tells him or her about the pond in Lindale, and all of the exciting adventures they will have together. I think our baby is going to know their daddy's voice very well.
I'd be lying if I said that I was finding pregnancy easy. I'm not; I'm finding the emotional journey very difficult! I've struggled very much with the reality of my body and my life from now on not being under my 'control' anymore. It is almost as though I've grieved over the loss...as superficial as I know it is I can't deny that I've felt so sad and frightened! It has made me really dig deep and examine where I place my self worth, where my securities lie, and in whom I seek my affirmation. It has also made me realize the pressures society places on us to be perfect, as society sees perfection, and with the commercialization of pregnancy it's hard to keep up! So, I continue to be prayerful and patient...and I continue to tell our baby that Joe and I do this all because we love them so SO much. Not for one moment have my struggles made me regret our decision to be open to this new little life. Even though I've never even seen our baby's face I can already not imagine a world without them in it. There is a beautiful Matt Maher song which is a wonderful reminder of what it is to be truly alive in the only One that matters:
I will leave you with that...such a very long post but there is so much to catch you all up on, our dear and truly missed loved ones. We pray for you all, everyday. We think about you in your journeys and hope that you are finding true joy in them. We love you, and we can't wait to talk to you soon.
xoxo
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