Emphasis

Hello loved ones, far and near, here I am again! As I mentioned last post, our blog is "under construction" please don't mind the dust and disorder, I sense that construction may take a while. However, I decided I'd just keep writing, life is too short to wait for perfection!!!!

Yes, I changed the name of our blog...I hope you like it! It's just a little more succinct, but it still gets to the heart of our story. JOY. Joy that is a gift, joy that can't be found in things, joy that is very different from the mere feeling of being happy (not that feeling happy is bad, but we certainly can't feel happy all the time!) The kind of joy that was being spoken of in this sentence, " I have told you this so that my own joy may be in you and your joy be complete." (John 15:11)

What am I talking about? I am talking about the deep and abiding happiness that comes from believing you are called to something and answering that call with authenticity, despite the fact that it is not always easy, and does not always feel good.

This helps me to seek and find joy, even in the mundane, the difficult, the sufferings...even in the realities of my life that are not easy, glamorous, or ideal.

This means that I can always write about joy, even in Joe's unemployment, even though we live with my parents while waiting for his immigration, even though our little one has been teething or coldy for the last few months and I can't remember ever feeling this tired. This means, that I can say with true joy "I LOVE YOU," even when Lyla is driving me crazy and the only other alternative is to scream! This means that I can experience joy over dirty laundry or poopy diapers, because I am living my call to love this man and this child with selflessness and sincerity.

Seeking true joy enables me to understand that life isn't meant to be easy, it isn't meant to always feel good! I can be full of peace and deep satisfaction even when I am brought to tears by frustration over life's difficulties, when being a wife or a mama seems like some sort of bad joke...I mean, no one told me that it would be this hard but gosh no one ever told me it would be this great either!

Understanding that joy is different from feeling happy helps Joe and I to see the deep blessings in the life we are leading even though there are moments where one or both of us feels cranky or burdened.  We are learning to be a team, we are best friends, we are spoiled by our love story, we have a sweet baby who has changed our lives for the better, we see miracles every day, our hearts are growing and being purified in hope. It helps us to be generous and tender with each other even when our differences make us frustrated with each other. It helps us understand that love is sometimes about will power and sacrifice, and other times it is also about romance and heart palpitations, but it is always beautiful and meaningful.

This is why I write about JOY. It is pervasive in our lives. From the first moment we met it has been a theme. This is why Liliana's middle name is Joy...because her life is a gift and the happiness it brings is something we are ever more cognisant of. We are also aware that if we don't actively seek it, as we live our lives, we focus too much on those things we could be negative about. Simply put, if I don't seek JOY I spend way too much time wallowing in self pity. Life is just too short to allow that to happen.

SO, now you know. Yes, we have difficulties, but I won't spend so much time writing about those.

Here are a few joyful tidbits before I sign off :)



Real men wear their babies :) How happy do these two look? And how alike? I LOVE THEM!!!

We took this video about 1.5 weeks ago...sorry about the shaky camera-woman :) Little Lyla is on the move!!!

Nothing says "joy" like a naked chubby baby! Such a happy girl!!

Ok dearest ones, that is all for now. Thank you for loving us and praying for us! We pray for you all and miss those of you who are far away!!

xoxo

Under Construction

Hello our dearest ones! We miss you and love you so much :)

As you can see, our blog is "under construction," but full time mommy-hood and wifely duties make it so that I don't have much time to devote to constructing! Thus, little changes at a time.

I will write a nice update soon, but in the meantime I just wanted you to know that we pray for you every day.

Love from all three of us here in the Packard household!

xoxo

Mt.Tabor and Mt. Calvary

"We need to desire Mt Calvary as much as Mt Tabor. Only then will this hardest of all lessons - that earth isn't heaven and never will be, that the path to abundant meaning and happiness passes through a daily cross, that unless we are willing to sacrifice our personal preferences and worldly desires we will never reach the goal for which we were created - only then will this lesson be able to seep down into our hearts and spread into every corner of our minds." - The Better Part # 181

Dearest Ones, here I am on this lovely Thursday! Our sweet little one is playing on the floor beside me while Joe gets ready to head off for a business call. I'm so lucky!

(OK, I'm posting this 6 days later...'sigh'!)

We are doing very well here in the Packard household, the most interesting development lately being a clear emergence of strong willfulness on the part of our growing bambino. Manifestation? A piercing shriek whenever mama or daddy try to take away anything the miniature person has gotten her hands on. Oh yes, a shriek and a serious wrestling match. I smile and shake my head. I knew it was coming.

Our sweet little person and her mardi gras feather hat...Shrove Tuesday!

Anyhow, why the above quote? Well, because it is the much anticipated season of Lent for us Catholics. Ahhh Lent :) Boy do I need it this year!

I have been excited about Lent for a long time, have you?

I'm amazed (although I shouldn't be), at the omniscience of our great God. He is the ultimate psychologist. He knows that we want to achieve the beauty of heaven on Mt Tabor yet would like to take the fast track and skip the suffering of Mt Calvary. Sad things is, it takes harder work than we like to think to be ready for our heavenly home. This is because life is beautiful and it is so easy to forget that earth is not heaven and we were only made to pass through! Or, on the flip side we are so mired in suffering that we lose our ability to hope for something better or find meaning in our toils. So, here is Lent, and we have the opportunity to remember our Lord's sacrifice on calvary while working to shed those attachments that make us not quite ready to experience the beatific vision.

Anyhow, I struggle in both regards...so captivated by the beauty of our new life that I can't fathom ever leaving this world and its mystery behind, but so mired in the day to day struggles that I forget to seek out meaning and hope. Thus, here I am, at the beginning of these 40 days, with my arms outstretched and a hopeful heart...praying that I can reorient my life to it's Rock and Foundation, and maybe curb the sugar addiction while I'm at it :)

And in these moments where I have a sugar withdrawal headache or it seems too hard to "fit in" mass and frequent prayer time, I just need to remember that our Lord knows what it is to suffer. He showed us the way, he imbued meaning into the mundane through becoming Man.

Love and prayers for you all, near or far away. We will write again soon, we pray for you every day!

XOXO

Old Fashioned Update Time

Well well well .... we have survived the beast called sickness and have arrived relatively unscathed on the other side. PHEW! Our poor little person came down with a bad cold almost two weeks ago now...which meant of course that Mama and Daddy took turns holding the sweet babe up so that she could breath....which meant of course that we both got sick because neither of us were sleeping. However, we kicked that cold in the butt and we are all the better for it :)

Thank God we had our dino pjs from Daddy to wear while we were sick!!!

In my last post I promised a good old fashioned update, so this is what you will find here...none of my regular philosophizing or musing. However, lots of good things are happening for us! In fact, I've been hesitant to share because I don't want to count our chickens before they hatch...so I'll start with the "for sures."

Joe has started working on a continuing education certificate (one that he can add onto his undergrad in business/marketing). It is a course on marketing for social media. He is LOVING it. He is so very excited and motivated. It warms my heart to see his blossoming passion and his confidence.

I seem to have emerged out of the new mommy haze that I allowed myself to be in while we adjusted to life back in North America. All of a sudden I feel able to do more and extend myself a little bit further! I've started blogging again, have taken up a little side job doing some private cooking for a family (I get to bring Lyla to work and grow strong muscles as I cook with her strapped to me most of the day), and have even agreed to do some modelling through a company here in town called Sophia Models. They seem eager to have me and I am more than eager to bring in a little bit of supplemental income! I've also started meeting with a great group of mom's weekly to explore our faith and how we can become more holy and happy in our vocations as wives and mothers. It is wonderful

Joe and I are beyond blessed to be part of an exciting new project called "Digital Humanity" or DIGHU (di-joo). What started as a dream of my dads now seems to be moving towards fruition. We really had to pray about how involved we wanted to be on the project, and for now it seems that our hearts have been moved to help in any way we can. For Joe, this means serious utilization of his recent course work..and for both of us this means sitting in on some very exciting strategy sessions. Will this be Joe's full time employment? I'm not sure...he has his resume in elsewhere. But for us it is currently something that we are willing to dig in deep and work hard to see through. You can check out the facebook page here if you'd like. The new website will be coming soon!

Our sweet baby is growing more and more each day. She is 6.5 months old now, 17 or 18 pounds, two bottom teeth, and in that stage where all she wants to do is CRAWL. She tends to get slightly frustrated lately because she wants everything but can't quite get there. I wish I'd caught her on camera when she did a face plant into the tile floor and gave herself her first black eye :s. Wow did I ever feel like I deserved to be called "worst mother of the year." Here is a little video of Lyla in all of her glory...

On a mushier note :) Valentines Day was the 3rd Anniversary of our first date!! Wow, if anyone had told me just how much would happen in the three years since we met I would have told them they were off their rocker! I remember so clearly the way I felt when Joe pulled his big grey truck out and hopped out looking so handsome and so nervous. I remember knowing, even though I probably couldn't have articulated it, that he was my forever and I'd never have another first date. It seems like yesterday and yet it seems like a lifetime ago because Joe is so absolutely my one and only that I can barely fathom there was a time when he wasn't there. He of course surprised me with his romantic valentines day love. Everytime I opened a new drawer or closet there was a little gift tucked away. He even braved the arctic chill to write me a very public snow message...



How blessed am I?

Well I will leave it that for now. Thank you for your love and prayers. We feel them through the distance, we can see grace working in our lives and our hearts each day as we are challenged more and more to be selfless and to live authentically. We love you and miss you!!

PS: A SPECIAL HAPPY BIRTHDAY TO GREAT GRANDPA WILLIAM PACKARD. WE LOVE YOU!!!!

xoxo



I Am That Woman!

Hello our Dearest Ones! Here I am again, writing to all of you who we love and miss so very much. I was just out on a walk with our wee one, all bundled up in her teddy bear suit with her cold-nipped cheeks and nose peeking out as we walked along. It was glorious! Of course, it was also time for lots of thinking :)

I was recalling a few weeks prior to my departure for University of Dallas, saying a very difficult goodbye to a dear and much loved friend. He said, with horror..."you are just going to meet a guy, get married, and have babies!." Knowing that I was heading to a Catholic university he felt sincerely afraid for me that I was going to throw my life and youth away on such "things."

I remember thinking at the time that I would do no such thing! Not that there was anything wrong with it but because (in my own mind) I was strong, independent, intellectual, and certainly not looking for love. Ok, if I was completely honest with myself and others I would have admitted that I wouldn't have minded if love found me, and quickly!

That was only 4 years ago!

However, I realized today with a grin and a sigh that I am that woman! Yes, I am strong, independent, and intellectual. But those things don't have to be exclusive of everything else I am....

I am that woman that lost her heart in one instant to a man with kind eyes because I still believe in true love, the fairy tale kind.

I am that woman that dreamt and waited and hoped for a Prince Charming that dreamt, waited, and hoped for me...and I found him!

I am that woman who believes that my heart was made for something in particular...and I call it my vocation.

I am that woman who would rather wash dishes in the sink and be married to the love of my life than wait to be able to afford a dishwasher and be "established' before saying "I DO." Dishwashers will come!

I am that woman who is passionately and unapolagetically religious in a world that's gone "spiritual," a woman who believes in TRUTH in a world that believes in "your truth and my truth."

I am that woman who would move with my husband across the world, with only a bank account and hotel for 5 days, just to chase a dream with him.

I am that woman who, while there, would feel strongly the call to be open to new life in our marriage despite all of the uncertainties and would say FIAT.

I am that woman who was so in love with my unborn child that I talkedto , sang to, rubbed, read to, and played with her all pregnancy. So convinced was I of her inherent right to life and love that proudly accepted a mother's day flower when she was not yet born...despite many telling me I wasn't a mama yet. WHAT?!?

I am that woman who is all for baby-wearing, co-sleeping, cuddling and snuggling and playing! Ok, I'll admit it...sometimes I take hold of our sweet sleeping little bundle and pull her into bed with us for one last cuddle. There's never enough time in our waking hours to marvel over her preciousness.

I am that woman who is all for more babies even though some days I am so pooped on, tired, disenchanted, lonely, and anxious that I wonder if I was cut out for this wife and motherhood stuff! 

I am that woman who is deeply joyful and content.

Yes, I am that woman who found a man, got married, and had a baby. BUT, a few years ago I felt as though that would have been failing. As though somehow being content loving my husband and children with all my might would make me less worthy. Of what? Worthy of acclaim? Puulease! I've found much more self-worth than worldly acclaim could ever give me!

You know what? I have never felt more whole. Yes, I am strong, independent and intellectual. I am also a wife and mother who has good days and days of major struggle. With the love of my life and our sweet baby girl I am a dreamer and an idealist. I am full of hopes and prayers. I am truly alive and striving. I am excited to be all that I was created to be.

Thank you, Lord, for making me that woman.

Tomorrow (or the next day!) I owe you a real update on life. Exciting things are happening for us!!

We miss you and love you all, we pray for you every day!

Love always, XO

When a Man is Loved

Our DEAR ONES, near and far, how we love and miss you! We are all doing very well here in our little basement home, especially now that the -30 has passed. Joe behaved like a true Canadian yesterday when he went for a long walk in -4 degree weather because it felt so "warm" out!

Thoughts for today...

I am blessed with beautiful friends, the kind of friends who challenge me to love more deeply and with a constant eye to avoiding complacency or apathy in my expectations of self.

Thank you my wonderful friends!

The other day we had a long and engaging conversation about our husbands. Oh dear! BUT, get this, it was not to complain about this, that, or the other thing. Of course, men and women are so very different and I assume we all could have brought "complaints" to the table. Instead, it was to marvel at how good our men are, and to mourn the ways in which we so often fall short of loving them...when we nag or belittle them. It made me really reflect...how exactly are we as women to love the hearts we have been entrusted with in our men? Especially in this confusing world, this crazy world...where our good and faithful husbands are beset with so many challenges to their masculinity and fidelity?

Our Superhero...trekked through

the jungle to find perfect leaves to

shelter us from the storm :)

One wonderful lady led me to this bible verse in which St. Peter encourages women to point their men to higher things through their loveliness, gentleness, and beauty of spirit (among other things). Of course, he also encourages wives to obey their husbands. Some may take offence at that suggestion, but I don't think he was asking us to see ourselves as inferior to our husbands. Instead, he was suggesting just how we may encourage them to become the "best version of themselves." (As our dear friend Matthew Kelly would say!).

My Joe is an incredible man, but he is even MORE heroic when he knows that I am proud of him - that he is my prince, my knight, and that I need him. It is as though, when I offer myself to him to be taken care of, his chest puffs out, his shoulders go back, and he feels as though can conquer the world!

Now, this is not saying that I'm not perfectly capable of taking care of myself. As a matter of fact, sometimes it takes patience for me to let my husband do his thing instead of just taking the reigns and being bossy :) However, the amazing flip side of this whole deal is that when I make the effort to nudge my husband towards the greatness he is capable of through my femininity and gentle love, he is MORE romantic, MORE thoughtful, and MORE generous, than ever before.

I experience that it is ok to not be superwoman, I can allow myself to be loved, and most often I end up being spoiled! I am aware of total equality with my husband through our complementarity in our family. We both grow in virtue, and hopefully closer towards our eternal home.

I know this is radical to some, if not most. It certainly is not the message us women are given today about how to behave towards our men, and is probably worth a book...not a measly blog. Maybe, just maybe it is food for thought? What do you all think?

Love from the great frozen North!

XOXO

New Year, New Reflections

Dearest Friends and Loved Ones,

Here it is mid January and I sit down with a firm resolve to write more and often! I've been stuck in a funny state of limbo where my heart feels too full to adequately express in words what is in it. Thus, I've stayed far away from my keyboard, afraid to even attempt it. However, at the coaxing of my husband I am here again to try and pick back up where I left off! I simply can't let you all know of everything that is happening in our lives, although I will try, so instead I plan to let you know what is happening in my heart as it grows more and more full in this journey of love that is being a wife and mother!

Today I want to write about some of the lessons of these early days of motherhood. I never knew that I could be so stretched, challenged, fulfilled, deeply happy, and paralyzed with fear all at the same time. What the heck do I mean? Well, let me try to explain.

Stay moment, please STAY!

Lesson # 1: With my beautiful baby girl, my heart breaks every day! All I have to do is gaze at our baby sleeping, her perfect little chest rising and falling, and my heart feels as though it breaks in two. I contemplate the fact that I have no control over so many aspects of her life...I see her tiny body and know that she will have sickness, injuries, heart break, confusion, rebellion. She has to grow, suffer, learn, rejoice, and I can't stop any of it! I can only love her and teach her to the best of my ability and then let her go. I can't fathom letting her go, I just want to hold onto her forever.

Lesson #2: My love for Joe has only deepened through Liliana's presence. When she was first born I had this moment of panic, thinking that I couldn't stretch myself enough to love Joe as completely as I did before she came along, and love her with as much dedication as I wanted to. However, the heart is mysterious and wonderful in that it has found this ability to expand and encompass all the love I have for both. Ok, so I don't have as much time to spend with Joe, but in some mysterious way my love for him is even more intense and dedicated.



I could eat those delicious chubby cheeks!

Lesson #3: Productivity with a new baby cannot be measured in worldly terms: How many times in the last 5 months have I arrived at the end of the day with an unmade bed, a hastily prepared dinner, a pony tail in and lululemon on, emails piling up (you get the picture!). In the early days, I felt like a total failure at life. Of course, then I realized that I am productive if my baby is clean, cuddled, growing, kissed, played with, eating, thriving! My perfectionist tendencies tempt me to focus on measurable achievements, but for now I must learn to be content in being a mother. What better productivity is there than a healthy, growing baby?

Lesson #4: Having a baby is catalyst for questioning the meaning of life all over again! When I look at Liliana and experience this overwhelming love for her, I can't help but ask why. As morbid as it sounds, I know that at this moment in time we are Lyla's world, and one day we will not be here anymore for her. I can't bear the thought. Despite my faith I question why we come into this world only to leave it so quickly. Thank goodness for the gift of faith, for the promise of heaven, and for knowing that this life is merely a journey to our eternal reward. (Now I just need to remember that when I am tempted to have an existential crisis!)

Lesson#5:  The right kind of diaper makes all the difference in the world. Ok, so it sounds superficial, but truly when you are already immersed in this world of "who the heck am I now that my life is no longer mine?" controlling the number of poopy blowouts makes all the difference! I mean, I remember the early days when she had 6 poops a day. If they were all blowouts, I would definitely be crying by the 4th one, with poop on my fingers, a laundry pile of yellow grossness growing by the hour, and a crying baby as I tried to maneuver soiled clothes over her wriggly and fragile body. Pampers, NOT Huggies. Costco Kirkland brand are also fabulous for being almost totally leak proof. Thank you, good diaper makers!



Hello, little ballerina!

Lesson #6: Small moments must be cherished. Yesterday was my mom's birthday. We dressed Liliana up for it in my favorite purple polka dot shirt, her tutu leggings, and her ballerina shoes. All night as I stood back and gazed at my baby as she was passed from arm to arm I just wanted to snatch her up, bury my nose in her milky smell, carry her to a quiet place where we could coo and play, and take a permanent mental snapshot of her oozing preciousness. I can't handle how perfect she is to me, how when she woke up today she was that much closer to never fitting into her purple polka dot shirt again. SO, I put her to bed in it, just to hold onto that moment a little longer.

Well dear loved ones, I suppose the final thought that I have to share today is that there will never be an end to the lessons. They keep on coming. I keep on being stretched, challenged, purified, reborn, humbled, exalted...transformed in love. Wow, what a journey!
We love you all so much and miss you wherever you are! I promise to write again soon!

XOXO