Rearviews and Windshields

It was beauty I wish that I could capture and share, and yet I simply had to soak it in and try to impress it on my memory. Driving home from the mountains last Sunday I drove towards the most beautiful and vibrant supermoon and away from mountain peaks bathed in pink and orange from the glow of the setting sun. Looking forward or back I was awash in beauty and my heart quietly sang.

I realized that the beauty of nature outside my vehicle could not even compare to the majesty inside of it and waiting for me at home. In my rear view mirror were two gorgeous sleeping babes, snoring away and I'm sure dreaming of strawberry sorbet, splashing in the Canmore quarry, and fun with cousins. What a day we had together! Through my windshield I gazed at the road that took me home to my most amazing husband, the love of my life and my best friend. My children and my spouse, gifts from above....miracles of grace that have transformed me.

My mind couldn't help but wander to the memory, not so long ago, of a long and lonely road trip home from Vancouver. In my rearview mirror I gazed at very sad memories, broken realities, and desperate attempts to become something loveable to someone who didn't love me. Through the windshield I sought stability, meaning, identity, LOVE.

And now here I am, with a husband who loves me without question or doubt, and who I know always will. With two sweet ones who adore me, so much so that I sometimes feel smothered! What a difference a few years makes...

While I struggle almost daily with the demands that being a mother and wife place on me, most especially the sacrifice of time for "self" whether it be to pray, exercise, sleep, or lounge....I cannot imagine who I would be without these gifts in my life that make it necessary for me to choose the RIGHT over the EASY in each and every moment. I am so blessed to have been given these three humans to pull me out of my own selfishness and, through my intense love for them, help me become a better person.

With a grateful heart this night,

xoxo

Liliana turns 3

Our sweet little girl turned 3 one week ago. Liliana, how is it possible that you are 3?

As I sit here writing you play around me in an imaginary world, with a pot lid for a shield and a spatula for a sword. You already have a dress on, as you would live in those if you could.

The morning of your birthday...a princess tiara and a pirate sword (this combination perfectly describes you!)

We are in this funny place where you are simultaneously so sweet and so feisty...it is the age of you discovering your own will and trying to enforce it, while we help you discover how to do so with respect and with healthy boundaries.

Your birthday day was so fun! You woke up so very excited, aware from the first moment that IT WAS YOUR BIRTHDAY. Your eyes shone with excitement and anticipation. It is the first year you have been old enough to do this. We had chocolate chip pancakes and bacon for breakfast (your favorite), and steak and pasta (your request) with some veggies (mama's requirement) for dinner with our family all gathered around.

Opening a present from Nonna and Papa!

A new Lottie Doll (a great toy for any Mamas reading!)

With beloved Uncle Vince who THOUGHTFULLY
bought you the beautiful dress you have on!

A strong Daddy who loves you so well!

You spent most of your birthday helping me scrub and cook to host our family for dinner, but I felt as though it maybe wasn't such a bad lesson to learn...that our hearts are most fulfilled when we give, rather than receive. Of course, your 3 year old self LOVED receiving presents.

As I looked at you, my sweet girl, revelling in birthday celebrations that night, I marvelled at your inner and outer beauty.

My darling, you are so beautiful!

You have a sweet voice, kind heart, inquisitive mind, feisty spirit, sense of adventure, love of creatures, need to cuddle, tender way...you captivate and amaze us with your beauty. We want you to remember always how beautiful and what a gift you are!

"Beautiful. A work of art - full of life, exploding with a unique, dynamic, vibrant energy.

Beautiful. Eyes like the morning, a strong and powerful spirit, a face that brims with joy and hope. Beautiful because you were formed by God. Beautiful because He has known you since before you even existed. He has loved you since the beginning of time. Beautiful because you're real, beautiful because you ARE." (Matt Walsh)

Chocolate cupcakes with strawberry icing (flavored and coloured
with REAL strawberries!) YUMMY!!

Sweet girl with your big bow (of course your choice
for hair accessory!)

I love you so, my lovely little lady!

We praise our good God for the gift of YOU, Liliana Joy., In this year that has passed you have only continued to make the lives of all who meet you more rich and more joy-filled. Your middle name couldn't be more perfect. We pray that you continue to know Jesus' love for you through how we love you.

We love you so much, our darling sweet girl.

Bubble Baths and Grace

She sits with the bubbles up to her armpits, her beautifully perfect little back and kissable shoulders peeking above them. Her hair all sudsy with the smell of strawberries and lavender, she begs me "mama use the little cup!"

Things are simple around the Packard household these days. The adventures of two newly married gave way to the busyness of two and a first born. This busyness has in turn been replaced by quiet days around the house or playing outside with a firstborn and a chubby little brother. However, these simple moments time and again give me profound glimpses of how our good God loves us.

She begs me to use the little cup to rinse her hair out. The little cup is TINY! It pours out maybe an ounce, and it takes at least twenty little cups to wash all of the soap out of her hair. I keep thinking to myself that it would be so much faster and her angst would be so much lessened if I used a big bucket.

Then it occurs to me that this is how God loves us. He sees the big picture, and He sees how much easier we could make things for ourselves if we would just open our hearts to His outpouring of grace. Yet, He respects our freedom and doesn't impose on our fears and insecurities. If we need Him to pour His grace on us little by little, to reveal His magnificent plan for our lives in very small doses, that is what He does.

And so I use the little cup, and ounce by ounce her fine blonde hair is rinsed, not without a little sadness about water in eyes and a little more sadness about how long it is taking. Yet, she insists I continue with the little cup and so we do...as my heart turns to a God above who is little by little pouring His grace into my life in such a way that I am not afraid or overwhelmed. Instead I am able to be slowly washed clean by His merciful love.

xoxo