Head Strokes and TLC

There is a specific way she used to stroke my head as I fell asleep. It is incredibly hard to describe but embedded in my memory, her signature head stroke. I was praying bedtime prayers tonight with Liliana and stroking her head in that exact way. It was so blissful for me when my Mama did it, and my fingers naturally stroke her hair like that. She sighed contentedly and her little eyelids fluttered closed.

Was she not so beautiful? She still is!

She did many little things. These are the things that stand out in my memory. "One Tin Soldier" as a bedtime song, nivea on my dry cheeks, love notes in my lunch box, picnics in the school yard. In her memory she made many mistakes. She is so humble and detailed that she will call me on the phone to this day and apologize for something she did in my childhood that she thinks could be making me sad!

Guess what? They don't stand out in my mind. Those little, beautiful acts of detailed love that inspire me in my daily mothering....those are what stand out to me. I knew, absolutely, unshakeably, irrevocably that I was loved beyond measure and without qualification.

Something is becoming abundantly clear to me, and it is that those tiny little details can be the ones that take the most effort. Because, as a Mama, after the normal daily tasks have been accomplished, it takes monumental effort sometimes to linger a little longer and sing one more song or stroke someones blond head for 3 more minutes. It takes monumental effort to put aside the to-do list and read one more story or play pretend. That middle of the night glass of water and tummy rubs....so little, just a few minutes, big effort. These little things make a huge impact, more than any short tempered or impatient moment could.

This gives me so much hope. My patience seems short these days and my nighttime wakings are often full of feelings of remorse over moments where I was harsh or lacking mercy in my discipline. Yet, when I think about how my own mother loved me and the memories that stand out as strong and clear as if they were yesterday....it is the delicate, detailed, little ways in which she loved me exactly how I needed to be loved.

My silly mini-Me and her funny fashion sense!

I pray one day my Liliana finds herself stroking someones head - be it a friend, daughter, husband, patient - and smiling over the way her fingers know exactly what to do just like her mama did. May I take enough moments to love her in small and detailed ways that she is inspired to find the energy to do the same....

May you be blessed!

Tender Hearted Little Man

It seems to me that anytime I write about a certain way one of my children is behaving, something changes. This is in the endearing things and the maddening things. When we are suffering because a child is cranky, sick, or fighting sleep I know that quickly this will pass. This is also the way with cute little quirks or obsessions. 

Judah in particular has gone through a series of obsessions. First he was obsessed with his stuffies, then his basketballs, and now his baby. Or, as he says it, "my little baby." This sweet boy won't go anywhere or do anything without his little baby. Sometimes when we are going out I insist on putting her clothes on because she is soooo grimy from love! When we go to the mall or for groceries he would prefer to push her in the stroller (which is pink). He is such a darling looking little boy that even in the most boyish of attire people comment that "she is so cute!"Kudos to Joe for having no issues that his little man is so tender hearted towards his little baby. We'll come across him bouncing her and shh-shh-shhing her. Truly, it is heart melting. This little boy is such a sweetheart! 

When little baby comes with us in the car she rides in her stroller and Judah holds the handle as tight as can be so she doesn't slide anywhere. We looked back one day to see him utterly out cold but with no more loose of a grip on his baby. 

Oh, how you make me smile, my tender hearted little man!

St. Patrick's Day and the Day It All Began (Officially)

St. Patrick's day is tomorrow, but these next few days are going to be incredibly busy! Joe and his high school boys team have made the provincial championships, so in a couple hours the four of us trek to Pincher Creek Alberta to coach (him) and cheer (us). Which means that we won't have much time for St. Paddy's day celebrations other than some rousing "Go Go Gos".

Mach 17th is one of those days that holds a beautiful, happy, lifelong memory for me. 7 years ago, when St. Patrick's day rolled around, Joe and I had been spending as many hours each day as we could together and yet we weren't "official." This was despite the fact that he had already told me that he was going to marry me, and I believed him! I mean seriously, he is so creative and he did so many beautiful romantic things for me. He was very intent on wooing! One in particular that stands out is a picnic in the woods that he planned. He tricked me into walking that way with a friend, and before I knew it there was a path of candles and rocks in heart shapes leading me to a picnic nestled in the woods and a bouquet of wild flowers. My Joe, he always does things a little unconventionally, but always so beautifully.

Being the romantic that he is, he wanted to do things the old fashioned way and seal the deal that we were going "steady". He had been promising me for weeks that he would teach me how to pitch. I didn't know anything about baseball prior to meeting Joe, but as he was pitching for the varsity team I sure spent many hours getting to know the game very quickly! I was so fascinated by all of the different pitches. Being the clueless Canadian that I was, I thought the pitcher just threw the ball as fast as he could as straight as he could. Silly me!

Joe asked me, after his game on St. Patrick's day if I wanted to play catch! He taught me a curve ball, slider, and change up. Of course, I kept throwing the ball everywhere but to his glove. One of the times that he was chasing after one of my wild throws he switched the ball we were using and passed me a ball on which he had written, "will you be my girlfriend?"

Of course I swooned at the cheesiness and leaped in his arms and kissed his face and said YES!

I think that falling in love should be cheesy. There is enough time to be serious in life, so if you are reading this and falling-in-love with your forever Love has not yet happened to you, when it does, allow yourself to fall hard and be cheesy. Don't hold back, because the farther you fall the deeper your conviction of love will be, even on the days when love doesn't feel easy.

So, Happy St. Patrick's day to all of you, dear ones! May your day be blessed with abundant joy!

Our Little Mess Maker

It seems impossible that I'll ever forget just how messy our Liliana is, but Joe assures me that this, too, shall pass and one day be but a distant memory!

I think that seldom a day goes by where I don't say to Joe, "I am losing my mind, I cannot keep up with her mess, she is a tornado and we live in the eye of tornado Liliana. What do I do?"

NO JOKE! this is her room every.single.day. We actually do not own very many toys
but somehow they all end up from their proper place on her bedroom floor! Along with all of her outfit changes....

The thing about her is that her mess is all about whole hearted living. When she plays she PLAYS. Her creative play is not complete without every little aspect attended to, in order to make the game complete. When she eats, it is as though a band of pirates have come to join us. Yet, her table manners are not bad! Somehow, though, her chair and the floor are covered as though we had a rip roaring party.

When we are at home she changes at least 7 times a day. I am actually attempting not to exaggerate here so it may be more! With each outfit change her hair changes, and she pulls her elastics out with such violence it is no wonder her hair is so thin and fine! It is either that or she is in pyjama mode and changes from pj to pj with her hair looking like a wild nest!

At this point I think our two and their cousins were playing zoo. Not entirely evident...Liliana's wild, wild hair
because some days being in character means not brushing your hair??

I delight as I listen to her through her bedroom door, in total character, lost in play. And yet, I am exhausted by her mess. She knows it now, and sometimes when I walk in on tornado Liliana in all of her glory she says to me, "I am so SO sorry, I actually don't know what happened here!" You know, I believe her! She is so immersed in what she does. Still, I know that I need to help her learn to be more aware of the mess she is making, at least after she is finished playing! Little by little....

I know that, even if she may be a naturally messy person the day will come when her mess is no longer so immense. Just this evening she walked to me as I was tidying up from the day and asked, "Mama is there anything I can help with?" Albeit she wanted to help with something glamorous like chopping for dinner, but her attitude of eagerness to help and awareness of need is bitter-sweet evidence that she is growing out of her little cavewoman-ness.

Not entirely relevant but I love this picture of her on her daddy's lap!
Not too many more years left of painted cheeks and pigtails :)

I love this photo of our little tornado and her daddy
after his team won city gold. She cheers so whole heartedly and SO LOUD!
No worries about what other people think, this one!

Oh Liliana, what a funny, quirky, heart-melting girl you are! How I love you!

A Little of This and That

Hello friends! I've loved reading little real-life updates like this on blogs through the years (Elizabeth Foss, Amy Salisbury...) and so I thought I'd type one out....it was fun to think about these little aspects of our every day life. I hope you enjoy as well!

Thankful: For my grandmother’s condo in Canmore and early-to-bed children.  I sit here typing away at 7:30 with children snoring and the three sisters peering down on me through the windows. Things have been so busy for our family and to escape where life is quiet and play is easy, such a gift!

A beautiful icy/slushy walk 

We love swimming at Elevation Place in Canmore. I could not believe this girl's legs....
the legs of a little girl that goes HARD and is super tough. Any one else have little ones with legs like this?

Cooking: I have been working on more budget and health friendly foods as Joe finds himself sensitive to too much wheat and our budget finds itself sensitive to the ideal of buying everything free-from/free-range/organic. We’ve come to love steel head trout from Costco and tonight I experimented with (GASP) frozen organic vegetables - nothing against them I just haven't bought them for a while. A little butter, garlic powder and soy sauce and they were actually very yummy! For lunch we had Costco brand black bean burgers crumbled and topped with goat mozzarella, quesadilla style. Seriously delicious, and even nutritious!

Listening to: The children and I have had Joey+Rory’s “Hymns” album on non-stop - that or CIBC radio 2 for classical during the day. We play a fun game of imagining the scene that the instruments are playing out. We have also fallen in love with The Okee Dokee Brothers two albums (“Can YouCanoe” and “Through the Woods”) Seriously, if you have children and like bluegrass you must track down these albums. So enjoyable!

Drinking: Very much enjoying red rose tea these days, and if I have an adult drink at nighttime I’ve become a malbec girl. We also have a non-stop supply of bubbly H20 at our house. 

Watching: Joe and I are enjoying this current season of “Suits”. On the odd night he is out I am also enjoying the guilty pleasure of “Jane the Virgin.” Crazy story but I had a (very innocent) teenage tropical romance with the main actor, and so I find it fun to watch the show. Actually, it is great for a laugh!

Reading: “Beyond the Birds and the Bees,” and “The Life Changing Magic of Tidying Up.” I also made a reading list for the year. I will feel incredibly accomplished if I make it through.

Feeling: A little tired and weary. We’ve been go-go-go between Joe’s highly demanding Job, his basketball coaching position, my 2 days with 2 extra little sweeties, and the regular ins and outs of family life. When I start to feel anxious I wake up in the middle of the night with my eyes WIDE open and just can’t settle down. Even melatonin doesn’t work for me. Consequently I feel weary, but hopeful that this exhaustion, too, shall pass!

Wearing: These days I am wearing high-rise true skinnies from gap in dark wash. After weaning Judah I put on a little weight and I had to consign my old jeans because I was really tired of trying to squeeze into them. Oh child-bearing/rearing, you keep us humble! But seriously, GO GAP! Great jeans and with all of the gap promotions going on, a great price as well.

Realizing: If I start a day without prayer, the day suffers. Trying to make it happen EVERY DAY.

Praying: The rosary with our children every day. It is so endearing to hear them start to chime in and we have found it beautifully calming at the end of our day.

Disliking: The intensity of the GOP presidential debates. Joe and I have actually had to turn the last couple off because we start squirming in our seats and sweating with adrenaline. Trying to go to sleep after those things? Forget it! Seriously though….

Wanting: To have our taxes finished so that we know how much we owe the government. I am in charge of our taxes each year, but because Joe works as a consultant I am starting to find it confusing and overwhelming, and I always worry that the little bit we are setting aside is still not enough for tax season. We are hoping to take care of them next week.

Cheering for: My girlfriends who all fight their own very real and glorious battles. From many little children, to busy husbands, or tough pregnancies, or high-strung babies, or financial worries, spiritual dryness, and on and on and on…you are all such gifts to our world and your families. GO FRIENDS GO!

Moments of Grace: It's OK and We Still Love You

Today has been a particularly cranky day. In contrast to this post in which I speak about the gifts of these days, I have been walking around like an ungrateful grinch. My cranky filter is on. I look at my windows and instead of seeing sun shining through I see grimy hand prints. I open my cupboards and instead of seeing abundance I see doors and handles begging me to wipe them down. There are piles to be sorted, toilets to be scrubbed, and please don't even get me started on the baseboards. The mess of living with small children is something that has the tendency to give me anxiety heart palpitations. Most days I can fight them, today it seems like every mess that needs tending is screaming at me.

The mess cannot be tended to today. I have 4 little people (2 extras, whom I dearly love) who need my care. Just tidying is futile as they follow me around like little hurricanes destroying everything, including things I did not know could be destroyed. They have mouths that need feeding, hands and bums that need wiping, and on top it (GASP) they have emotional needs. They need to be snuggled, affirmed, read to, loved.

With two down for a nap I thought maybe a quick 25 minute workout would help with the mood issue. It seemed too early for wine (I kid, I kid, or do I?). As seems to happen with home workouts, immediate needs become URGENT RIGHT NOW NEEDS and I was interrupted again and again. I snapped. I was incredibly harsh and mean, and told my children that they were soooo annoying and I was soooo tired of them and for 6 more minutes I was focusing on myself. Their little eyes fell and shoulders slumped and they crept off to leave me alone.

Of course I couldn't finish my workout. There was nothing grace-filled, virtuous, or loving in my behavior. It is not a child's fault that they look out the window with hands and noses pressed to it watching the doggies go by. It is not their fault that they open our cupboards with grimy little hands from playtime. It is not their fault that dust and dirt cling to the baseboards in these winter months. It is certainly not their fault that I cannot control my temper when I am having a selfish moment.

And so I went to Liliana's room and opened the door. They were under her covers cuddling and giggling. "I am so sorry my darlings, I shouldn't be a cranky mommy with you. I am sorry and I will try hard not to do it again. Can you forgive me?" "It's OK!" says one. "Yes, it's OK mommy, and we still love you," says the other.

This is why motherhood is such a gift. It sometimes brings out or worst, but our worst brings us to our knees, and our knees bring us to forgiveness and new beginnings.