Moments of Grace: In the Fullness of TIme

I remember when we lost our second baby, Tristan, to miscarriage. It was hard to understand or accept why God would allow such a thing to happen. Yet, when Tristan's due date came and I was already pregnant with Judah, it made sense to me. Holding sweet Judah in my arms as a tiny one and whispering his name to him which means, "to praise",  I knew that in the fullness of time God had allowed such a suffering as a pregnancy loss for such a glory as Judah's beautiful life.

The moment of Judah's accident last week keeps me awake at night. The juxtaposition of the happy and delightful moments before is hard for my soul to digest. It had been an intense week, and I'd been caught up in the to-dos before we departed for Texas. On that day, with the sun shining and my children laughing and playing so delightedly, I made a conscious decision to just BE and PLAY for as long as we could.

I sat there gazing at our darlings playing and in a moment everything changed, as his little leg was broken in front of my eyes, and my whole being unable to stop it from happening. Delighted laughs to pain in an instant.

I have had to work to make peace with the fact that God allowed it to happen. Such a suffering, body and soul, for our son....and then I realized something beautiful!

Our Ezekiel is big...huge as a matter of fact. He is 100th percentile for height, 96th for weight, and wearing clothing that Judah was wearing last summer. It has been comical trying to understand 2 brothers built so differently, or even comprehend why I was given this particular challenge of an absolutely enormous baby to tote around in a season of life where the demands on me were already intense enough. My arms, legs, and back are strong by necessity because of going through the daily rigours of motherhood with a ginormous hunk of love on my hips. 

And then, a few days ago, as I was carrying Judah from one place to another and he felt like an absolute feather, I realized that in the fullness of time this beautiful grace was allowed....that I would have the strength and stamina to tend to a child who was rendered immobile by an accident. While it is a slight inconvenience to carry him everywhere, it is not in any way too difficult for me physically. This gives sweet Judah a sense of being safe, secure, held, supported, and in no way a burden for us in his brokenness.

Outside of time, and in His eternal perspective, God the Father saw fit to give me this consolation....knowing the sadness of a child with a broken limb, and knowing that it would take extra strength to help him navigate this challenge without discouraging him, I was blessed with a super huge chunky baby to build my muscles up.

Truly it may seem far fetched, but I know for a fact, with deep Faith, that this gift has been given us. I revel in this small inkling of the workings of God's grace in the midst of our human freedom,  and I say, "thank you."

"Have you not known? Have you not heard? The Lord is the everlasting God, the Creator of the ends of the earth. He does not faint or grow weary, His understanding is unsearchable. He gives power to the faint, and to him who has no might He increases strength. Even youths shall faint and be weary, and young men shall fall exhausted; but they who wait for the Lord shall renew their strength, they shall mount up with wings like eagles, they shall run and not be weary, they shall walk and not faint."                

Isaiah 40: 28-31

In Which a Little Boy Becomes Big Brother

I wrote this over three months ago but after reading it through it is still something I want to post, so that I don't forget and so that the children always know my love for them.

I wanted to capture here the experience, as I've witnessed it, for our sweet lilttle Judah the Lion as he became big brother.

Early days postpartum, trying to make sure both boys got their snuggles

I can now say, after having experiencing it twice, the transition for the (former) baby when new baby comes is one of the most painful realities for me. It struck me to the heart when Judah was born, and struck me just as hard with Ezekiel's birth.

One random day after Ezekiel was born that Judah wanted to wear his suit, just because

This super sweet-natured little boy broke his arm in the early summer, he is just so darling!

I remember being 3 or 4 days postpartum and sitting on Judah's bed over his sleeping frame. He had been begging and crying for me to cuddle him to sleep, but I was nursing the baby. By the time I finally got there he was asleep. I could not stop it as the hot wet tears poured down my face and onto his pj clad little body. I wanted to lay there with him forever, holding him close, so that he would wake up with me there and know I had not replaced him. It was incredibly painful.

Yet as painful as he found the transition, and as many times as he looked at me with his big beautiful eyes and said "It's HARD being a big brother, I'm only 3 and a half," he so adores Ezekiel. The moment he met him he exclaimed with delight, "Oh Tiny, oh Tiny your so cute, Oh Tiny I love you!"

He has called him Tiny ever since.

He loves to just play around where I am as I nurse or snuggle Ezekiel, but he always makes a little pit stop for a kiss on the head or a head rub. Admittedly, he has said odd things like, "Oh Tiny I love you so much I could squish your head!" But I understand the sentiment of wanting to absolutely crush someone with the weight of my love. I can empathize.

Beautifully, Judah and Liliana have grown even closer in friendship! It makes my heart soar to hear them playing and laughing together. They are two goof-balls and can make me crazy with the immensity of their creative mess, but they so adore each other. 

Judah has also become a bit of a clown, he loves to make us laugh and has figured out funny moves and faces that always have us chuckling. He has grown in tenacity and independence, and very quickly adapted to getting himself dressed and cleaning up after himself.

Now, 10 weeks out I can very peacefully say that I was not wrong in my conviction that another baby would be a gift to our family. Admittedly, that night after I sat crying over sleeping Judah, I walked out to Joe and told him I wasn't sure I could do this again, it was too hard seeing the other children suffer as they adapted. However do know that it makes no sense, nor is it even fair, to try and protect a child from life's natural sufferings.....those sufferings in which they become more generous and less self centered. I suppose it is a good lesson to learn early that life is not always about feeling good and that sometimes love is a choice even when it doesn't feel good.

xoxo

I Marry You Mama

My sweet Judah the Lion.

His name means "to praise" and I rejoice in his little life that is a song of praise. 

He is the most darling temperament - tender, empathetic, sympathetic, and simultaneously fierce in his living and loving.

As he grows he has of course emerged more into a masculine way of being and is daily my knight, my rescuer, my hero. He yearns to be a hero in every game. My little man. He looks at his daddy with heart eyes and copies everything he does. Thank goodness his daddy is such a noble heart.

Of course Judah has moments of losing his temper or lashing out, yet his remorse is so swift and so sincere that we struggle to be firm with him. Still we are because he needs to learn self- control. If he accidentally hurts one of us somewhere he absolutely smothers that part of us with kisses and strokes. "Sowwy, sowwy, so so sowwy Mama!"

He has the most maddening and endearing habit of my skin being his "lovey". While I've been able to "wean" him off of stroking my skin while he falls asleep, most nights he crawls into bed around 2 am and spends the rest of the night stroking my arm. Last night I woke up to my face being cupped in both of his little hands. He was fast asleep, and I was fast asleep, and my face was in his hands. Joe and I are OK with his little nighttime adventures into our bed, because we know very soon they will end (as did his sister's) and I will lie in bed missing him a little. These moments fly too quickly.

I never want to forget the moment, a few weeks ago, when he was brooding about something. Thomas Rhett's "Die a Happy Man" came on the radio and I whisked him up and danced with him around the kitchen. He quickly forgot the reason for his misery and sang along a little, until he finally looked up at me, gave me a huge kiss on the lips and said "I marry you Mama."

Oh yes, my son I am perfectly OK with being your one and only as long as you'll have me, as I know all too well how quickly these precious years pass.

I love being your Mama!

** photos by Blair Marie Photography

Tender Hearted Little Man

It seems to me that anytime I write about a certain way one of my children is behaving, something changes. This is in the endearing things and the maddening things. When we are suffering because a child is cranky, sick, or fighting sleep I know that quickly this will pass. This is also the way with cute little quirks or obsessions. 

Judah in particular has gone through a series of obsessions. First he was obsessed with his stuffies, then his basketballs, and now his baby. Or, as he says it, "my little baby." This sweet boy won't go anywhere or do anything without his little baby. Sometimes when we are going out I insist on putting her clothes on because she is soooo grimy from love! When we go to the mall or for groceries he would prefer to push her in the stroller (which is pink). He is such a darling looking little boy that even in the most boyish of attire people comment that "she is so cute!"Kudos to Joe for having no issues that his little man is so tender hearted towards his little baby. We'll come across him bouncing her and shh-shh-shhing her. Truly, it is heart melting. This little boy is such a sweetheart! 

When little baby comes with us in the car she rides in her stroller and Judah holds the handle as tight as can be so she doesn't slide anywhere. We looked back one day to see him utterly out cold but with no more loose of a grip on his baby. 

Oh, how you make me smile, my tender hearted little man!

Judah - An Update

There are few words to describe just how delightful Judah is. After almost 1.5  years of baby blues (I hesitate to say PPD because I am unsure if that’s what it was), I emerged from the haze to find that I am undeniably irrevocably head over heels in love with this little boy. It sounds odd to say, because prior to feeling like myself I LOVED Judah, he was such a source of happiness for our family and for me, and I treasured every aspect of his little self, but the spontaneous feelings of in-love-ness weren’t as present. I was suffering. I mourned the loss of Liliana as my baby. I just wasn’t myself.

Oh but now I understand entirely how each subsequent baby will somehow mysteriously expand my heart and make it capable of love beyond what I knew I was capable of, because somehow I love each of my children so much that when I think about it, it’s hard to breath for how much I love them. (And don’t even get me started on how each baby makes me even MORE in love with my husband!).

I mean, seriously, how adorable is he? Of course I forgot his suit when
we were headed to a symphony after basketball, so he got to wear his favorite clothes to the Christmas symphony

Judah is SUCH a joy! I spend so many nights watching him sleep with his angelic blond hair and long eyelashes. He is tender, articulate, and passionate. Of course he has a penchant for the odd tantrum and he finds it hard to share his favorite toys, but I chalk that up to normal behavior. What really gets me about him is his empathy and sensitivity. If he is disobeying me I tell him that he is making my heart hurt and he RUNS to me, covering my face with kisses and saying “sorry mommy, sorry mommy.” It makes it frighteningly easy to discipline him because his sense of guilt is very strong if he is informed that he is hurting someone he loves. Almost every night I hear the pitter-patter of his feet as he comes to crawl in our bed, but we always let him. I’ll wake up to him stroking my arms or with his little around Joe’s neck. These are the days!

So thrilled with his Christmas tool set from St. Nick

Modelling the gloves for Daddy on fight night

A beautiful thing about our boy is his sensitivity to and love for his great-grandfather, "Papa", who has Alzheimer's disease. He is very protective of Papa and always concerned about something he is doing. At night he prayers for "Papa's broken brain feel better." It is so sweet.

A valentine's day snuggle

He has had quite the year. Since being 18 months old he has learned to talk in sentences, use the toilet, shoot basketballs/pucks/soccer balls, play pass, jump, feed himself, dress himself, do somersaults, and even pray. These early years of major development always astound me.

He gave up naps incredibly early....the odd day though he just can't fight it

Judah certainly has his quirks. He is obsessed with basketball and will only wear his basketball shorts and shirt when we are home. He also must sleep in them, and so we put them over his pyjamas. He knows that he is not allowed to wear them out in the cold and so he carries them with him. Recently I have started putting them in a little backpack because they were getting very dirty getting dragged around everywhere. It is a hugely dramatic moment when I inform him that we must wash his shorts and shirt. He stands there with his head against the glass door of the washing machine watching his shorts go around and around on speed cycle. The odd time I can lure him away with a show or snack.

Forced to wear a snow suit in -20, so his basketball shorts were in his pocket

He is also incredibly sensitive to scary things and if something is dark he is afraid of bad guys or ghosts. This is new territory for us as Liliana didn’t have a phase like this. We have to work hard at being patient when it makes the bedtime routine longer than it needs to be or he won’t play alone because he scared of “bad guys down there.”

I never want to forget how Judah adores his older sister. He is always concerned for her well-being and we often hear him say, “you be cawful weeanna!”He follows her around like a little puppy dog wanting to play with her. The odd time he’ll be rewarded with a character to participate in her game. He just lights up. I’ve stumbled across them snuggling, and he’ll be stroking her face or she’ll be “reading” him a book. Those are the little moments that make my heart sing.

I am treasuring these moments of having him with me all day every day. The other night as Joe and I were falling asleep I whispered that I don’t ever want Judah to grow up. He is just so darling and dear. Thank you, our dear son, for being such a delightful 2 year old. We are so grateful for the gift you are to our family!

(A little video of Judah's new counting talent)

A Boy and His Stuffies

I weaned Judah before we went to Las Vegas. He will be 2 in November. Judah LOVED nursing, day and night. He would choose milk over food any hour. I loved nursing him! I was getting very tired though, as he would want to eat all night long and he was tired and cranky because he was distracted by the fast food drive in sleeping in the same room as him. Weaning is sad. The little ones feel very sad but I think mommy feels more sad! There is something so wonderful about being able to take that quiet moment and snuggle.

However, life goes on, and we find other ways to cuddle and rest. In the meantime, Judah is sleeping like a log all night long (he usually wakes briefly once or twice and just wants to hold my hand for a minute), and I am starting to sleep better also! I think after over 4 years of being up many times in the night, it is hard to just sleep all night again...

The most darling thing about this change is Judah and his stuffed animals. After we read books and say prayers, I give him a kiss and say goodnight. We hear him blabbing away to his beloved stuffies for a few minutes. When it gets quiet, I tiptoe in and he is always sound asleep and snuggling with a few of them. They are very deliberately lined up, with his "Nunny" closest to him. Oh the minutes we lose just staring at our beautiful tender hearted boy with his little arm wrapped around his friends.

Please little boy, stay little! 

I say that with a sigh because I know you have to grow!

May you always have a pure and tender heart, 

and use your hands and arms to make and hold peace and beauty. 

How we love you, Judah!

With Love,

Our Own Lil' Puppy Dog

Because I don't want to forget....

He is in the most darling phase where he absolutely adores his big sister. The days have been so hot he spends most of them in his underwear, walking around the house calling out "Weeedeeee" (Lily) or "Ryyyyyraaaa" (Lyla). Truly, truly he is like the world's most adorable little puppy dog, 2 steps behind his big sister and imitating everything she does.

Conversely, she is so caring! I stumbled upon them yesterday planting flowers. She had equipped them both with sand shovels. They had picked flowers from my pots and killed them by transplanted them into the dirt. There he was, crouched next to her, imitating her every move. There they were, covered in dirt from head to toe and so satisfied with their good work. I couldn't be angry, I could only melt and praise their beautiful gardening.

An oldie but goodie, she cares so much for him!

"Take me with you, Ryra!"

A scene from yesterday's play...
"don't bother us mama! We are having a slumber party!"

Judah thinks that everything Liliana does is so wonderful and so funny! He would follow her to the moon if he could. These are the little things that fill my hear to overflowing. How blessed we are!

With love on this Monday,