Judah David's Birthday

Our beautiful baby boy’s birthday began the morning of November 14^th. It became very clear to me, after many days of anxiety, that I couldn’t tell him that it we were ready to meet him until I let go of my fears, insecurities and need for control/perfection. With our first baby, I truly believe that her peaceful entry into the world had tons to do with allowing my body and my baby to work together, without injecting fear or tension into the process with my over-active brain! I knew that this would be the key to a beautiful birthday for Judah, and so, over and over that morning I listened to Audrey Assad’s “I Shall Not Want.” My sweet 2 year old and I had such a happy morning together, and peacefully I lay down for a nap telling Judah that we were ready and excited to meet him.

I didn’t sleep well because I was having light contractions, which really meant nothing to me due to the fact that I’d had weeks of light contractions!  We happily just played around the home as I tidied just in case and kept an eye on consistency of the contractions. They were coming regularly and started coming closer together but no more intensely! Around 4 pm I decided to have a bath and half glass of wine, knowing that if this was false labor it would stop! When it didn’t stop them I allowed myself to feel a small twinge of excitement and continued on.

Around 5:30 I called my midwives just to give them a heads up that contractions were around 5 minutes apart just in case they had 3 other ladies in labor too (they didn't)! I could talk through them, though and had no sense of needing to be “checked.”

We started getting Liliana ready to go to her grandparents, just in case. Oh, my heart felt slightly broken sending her out the door. She was so excited to go to Lolli and Grandads and innocently asked, “you not coming Mama?” "No sweetie, I’m not, I will see you soon though!" I packed her away with birthday cake makings for her baby brother. She made an absolutely beautiful mess of a cake and we’ve enjoyed it since J

7:30 pm I called the midwives again as contractions were 3 -5 minutes apart but totally manageable….again I told them no need to come check! I will never forget how pleasant it was, being with just my love in the comfort of our own home. He was working away on his computer and I was quietly moving about the home telling myself to “open, open, open,” with every contraction. In contrast to my first labor, where all I wanted was quiet and stillness….I had the sense that this baby needed movement. Thus it was that I danced, quietly in our kitchen, for hours. I had to stop and breath through contractions but I didn’t want anyone’s help. It was just Judah and I, working together towards his birth, with my darling husband there in case I needed him! I will always remember what it was like swaying there, imagining his little face and wanting to meet him soooo badly!

Just before 11 pm my mom called and advised me to lay down and try to sleep. In her wisdom she knew that if this little boy was coming nothing would stop him but that if I needed to rest I could. I felt discouraged that maybe he wasn’t coming even though it had been hours of moderate work J However, I whispered a prayer of surrender and I lay down

Immediately I was hit by 2 doozies, and I mean doozies! I was there trying to gain some semblance of the peace and control I had maintained until I finally willed myself out of my bed to alert Joe. He called my mom and the midwives and they were all on their way. Thank goodness he had already set up the pool in our living room and had the hose all ready to go to fill it up! I was shaking with adrenaline, and needed Joe for counter pressure. He warmed up the rice bag for my abdomen and put nice strong counter pressure on my back. All I could do during each contraction was tell baby Judah that I loved him, over and over and over. Joe whispered “peace” to me.

With the arrival of my mom, sisters, and midwives came a flurry of activity, especially when I told them that I was feeling some pressure. Joe quickly started filling the pool and for the first time I was checked. 7-8 cms and baby was right there, our midwife told me. I asked her if she could feel if he had hair. She laughed and said no, and then hustled off to set up all of their equipment. Everything you could possibly need, medically, was there waiting just in case. There is something so hopeful about that moment in labor when you see the little hats and blankets warming there….knowing that soon they will be on YOUR baby! My sisters were on hot water duty, filling and refilling pots to add to the pool. They were invaluable!!

The intensity of the pressure and contractions was overwhelming. I kept telling Judah I loved him as each contraction brought me to my knees, and I imagined myself climbing a mountain knowing that the peak meant I could come down and rest. I labor silently, just breathing, and so Joe watched intently knowing immediately when I needed him and continuing with counter pressure. My mom held the warm rice bag on my abdomen so I could just focus.

Finally I could get in the water and OH it felt sooooo good. It was so soothing and made the contractions so much less intense! I only had a few contractions in the pool until I started feeling pushy. It was such a distinct change. I still had to climb the mountain but then on the way down it really was like descending down because my body just started bearing down! I was chanting to myself (in my head) “down down and out like a slide.” I was imagining little man just sliding down and out, willing my body to be open for him. I just stayed in the position that felt good, which was on my hands and knees with my head resting on the side of the pool. The first real pushing contraction my water broke and it was such relief. The second pushing contraction his head was born (ouch!) and our amazing midwife told me to just rest and next contraction we would have a baby! I felt his little shoulders, arms, and legs slither out as she passed him straight through my legs and into my arms. My arms were the first to ever hold him, and I will never forget that moment. “Hi baby, hi baby, hi baby!!!.” My heart was bursting with love!

We just sat there, as he made hardly a peep and we kept him warm with the lovely water (which was basically guck free! I was happy about that). The cord pulsed for a long time as I basked in the total happiness of holding my little prize and everyone oooing and ahhhing and praising. Once it stopped pulsing Godmama Jocelyn cut it, and I was helped out of the tub, still holding little man to my chest. Taken to my own bed, I was checked for tears (none!) and then just tucked in. How glorious!! The whole time my sweet son never left my chest, and we all just admired him. The amazing midwives checked Judah out, his apgars were 9 and 10, and then cleaned up! They even put laundry in. What a gift! They had arrived just before midnight, baby was born at 1:05 am, and after a champagne toast and slice of banana bread they were gone by 3:30. Joe and I were left to admire our beautiful new baby and go to sleep. What a birthday, what a memory, how blessed we are!!

Judah David Packard

6 lbs 10 ounces

20.25 inches

November 15, 2013

We Danced

Dearest friends and family,

Happy May! These first few days of May have been filled with sunshine, and we feel so blessed. Waking up in the morning and sipping our coffee with the new day's sun streaming in through the kitchen windows.....'sigh' it is so refreshing and invigorating. It is also a very real reminder to me of how filthy our windows are after the winter :) The sun is slightly dappled as it flows through the spotted windows. It is on the to-do list for this upcoming week.

I keep reliving a night two weekends ago in my mind. First, a little background (which in itself serves as further update!). One of the things that has kept us busy and blessed has been an intense relationship with my grandparents here in Calgary. Papa was diagnosed with Alzheimer's before Joe and I were even married,  but when we moved back to Canada and Joe had to spend almost a year unemployed, he spent at least a couple of days per week with Papa. Now, we still see them a couple of times a week (at least) for dinners, mass, breakfast, visits, etc. Although we have a large extended family in town we have been blessed with the capacity to be available for Nanny and Papa in a special way. We have learned so much and been so edified by Nanny's example in this suffering.

Alzheimer's is an ugly disease. The Papa that I remember so well....generous, loving, powerful, fun, strong....in many ways has already gone away. The truth is that most of the time now he is just cranky and rude, and he has lost the ability to filter like someone without the disease can. It takes self-control to not snap back at him or try to correct him. Nanny is so brave and strong by committing in love to spend all day and every night with this man who in so many ways no longer resembles the man she loved, married, and raised a family with.

Two weeks ago Nanny invited us over for a dance party. She had just replaced her old record player and she pulled out their records from many years ago. After dinner, with the stunning voice of Harry Belafonte and the upbeat strains of Fleetwood Mac playing loudly from the record player....we danced. Nanny smiled and laughed. Papa's face relaxed, his arms started moving, and there with his 6 layers on, his pockets stuffed full of all of the treasure he collects, he smiled and laughed. My mom swept Liliana up and they twirled and cuddled, Anna danced in her shy preteen way. The atmosphere changed, we forgot the challenges and fears that living with Alzheimer's constantly presents us with. I don't have any pictures of that night, but here are a few of Nanny and Papa, as well as Liliana and I, dancing at Mary and Keith's wedding a few months ago. I LOVE the happy smile on Papa's face.

What a lesson for me. I tend to live with an anxious and preoccupied view of our world. It is just who I am naturally, but at the same time I waste so many moments worrying needlessly in a way that doesn't allow me to live fully and truly ALIVE in the moment I've been blessed with. It was a reminder that sometimes we just need to have the courage to dance, and our hearts will be filled with the joy and hope that will bolster us for the next challenging moment. 

I have such happy memories of my childhood...Sunday mornings or special evenings when my dad would crank up the Neil Diamond and whisk my mom around the kitchen. My little heart would soar. Now, most evenings when I am cooking Joe will pick Liliana up and they will twirl through our house as I get dinner prepared. Whenever we go to my parent's house Liliana's first request is to dance with grandad. I hope she never loses her love for dancing. I hope we are never too busy to step back from the everyday and find joy in the dance. 

I'll leave it at that for now. I hope your first few days of May are just as beautiful and sunshine-filled as ours have been.

We love you!

xoxo

A Good Old-Fashioned Update

Dearest Loved Ones,

I just saw that my last post was Feb 27th....I suppose I'm getting better! I can't believe how time flies. Our days are so full, and my heart feels even fuller, it's hard to stop and take a moment to reflect and share. I know that Liliana's great grandparents in California and some of our friends in Australia really love reading updates, so I'll try to write more consistently!

We are doing well here in our chilly home. I heard on the news today that it has been the coldest March and April in Canada since 1899. My poor handsome husband has been seriously SUFFERING through this cold weather and all of the ailments that come with it (dry skin, nose bleeds, colds, etc). We can see the light at the end of the tunnel though! Liliana spent a glorious afternoon playing outside with her cousin today. Even though they were dressed warmly they got to PLAY! Blades of green grass are bravely poking through the thawing ground, we notice more in our front yard every day and we are dreaming of the beautiful garden that we are going to plant this summer!

Speaking of Liliana, what FUN she is! At 20 months, we can't believe what a little ray of light she is in our lives (and simultaneously a cause to grow in virtue because she is SO DETERMINED).  One thing that has made our lives so much easier is that she was an incredibly early talker. She was said her first sentence at 14 months, and it really has avoided the meltdowns that can come with not being able to communicate. When she starts to get frustrated I ask her to please use her words and it always diffuses the situation quite quickly. She says some hilarious and sweet things. Here are a few gems:

- today when she got her shoes on by herself: "I did it, I did it, shake your bum!"

- whenever she drops anything or makes a mess: "oopsies spaghettio."

- about her daddy: "daddy you sooo goofy!"

- I almost died when she took my face between her little hands and said: "Mommy you soooo pretty mommy!"

- About the ranch in Lindale: "I wanna drive the Kubota NOW."

The spontaneous indications of affection just break my heart they are so cute! I love you, thank you, sorry, please....it is a joy to see them develop. Now, granted she mostly says sorry when she is trying to get her way and pushes through somebody or grabs something out of their hands, but she is learning :) She cracked me up today when she yelled at her cousin to "share" while proceeding to grab every toy from Savina and leave her empty handed. Ummm, not quite little bug! We will get there.

Joe and I are both working for Dighu, a new media and marketing company, and also a family business. It certainly brings with it the challenges of working close to family all the time, as well as the added intensity of a start-up, but I know that at the end of the day we wouldn't change our jobs. I only work a couple of hours per day on the blog and social media strategy. Joe is doing marketing as well as production location and works full time. He is being challenged! Here is a link to my blogs if you want to check them out. I'm slightly more consistent with them :)   

For fun, Joe and I just started a dance class! We are having an absolute blast! Both of us are introverts so it has really challenged us to step outside of our comfort zones and do something different for date night. We are learning Salsa, Meringue, Rumba, and Jive. I can see it being something we do regularly. 

Anyhow, lots more to update but I'll leave it at that for now. Here are a few pictures to finish off with! 

You really can't tell these two are related ;)

Sporting matching cowls from Auntie Karen!

Baby's first hair cut! She was awesome!

Our fist night learning to SALSA DANCE!!

Liliana looooves making cards.
I love her itty bitty pony tail!

These two make my heart stop I love them so much!

We visited Texas and every since then our daughter is obsessed with
tractors! We found one outside the mall :)

I will try to write sooner than 2 months from now! Until then know that we love you, we pray for all of our dear ones, we miss those of you who are far away!

xoxo

The Gift of Lent....and Tristan

Dear Friends and Loved ones,

Oh, the glory of coffee! Do any others of you go to bed thinking about the cup of coffee you are going to have when your alarm goes off? While that may be too much insight into my quirky self, I DO. Here I am, sipping the glorious cup of coffee that I slipped into dreamland looking forward to. 'sigh'!

It is the beautiful time of year that us Catholics celebrate Lent. I tell you, God the Great Psychologist knew our hearts so well when He bequeathed us with this gift. This is a time to refocus on our priorities, in particular our relationship with Him and our heavenly goal....and in the process to strip ourselves of anything that might be hindering us in our friendship with the Lord.

I can't imagine Easter without Lent. The immense joy of Easter day has so much to do with the real suffering and self-examination that comes with going back to the basics during Lent and doing a really honest assesesment of what needs to change in our lives. I think that, knowingly or unknowingly, humans have been trying to model this awesome detox implemented by our Heavenly Father ever since  Lent has existed, because it is so FREEING. If lived well, it creates habits that carry into the celebration of the Easter season and make it even more joy-filled. This is not just 40 days to give something up....this is 40 days to begin a new lifetime of living better and more holier lives, as the best-versions-of-ourselves. (Thank you Matthew Kelly for that awesome phrase!)

As usual, my Lenten commitments started strong and then teetered, teetered, PLOP...into the dust of bad habits and lack of prioritizing. I get so caught up in the business of day to day living that I fall off the track so easily! Ok Emily, time to dust yourself off and start again!

I've been preoccupied this Lent thinking about Liliana's little brother or sister, Tristan. Not very many people know about little baby Tristan, and it seems like miscarriages are something "taboo" to talk about. Maybe it makes people uncomfortable, but I so love that little baby who will be spending Easter celebrating in heaven. Our little baby Tristan was due to be born on Easter Sunday. We found out that we were pregnant with him or her just before Liliana's birthday. While I wasn't shocked, because one of the wonderful things about being Catholic is that openness to life that trusts the Lord to add to our family as He wills....I did feel overwhelmed and full of trepidation. At that point Liliana was still nursing around the clock (ok, she still is), waking multiple times a night, and it felt like she was draining me. Add to it this little life, who I could also feel sapping all of my energy resources, and I felt frightened. I almost felt as though I would have been relieved if this was actually a dream. (Believe me, it's not easy to admit this).

But, little by little I fell in love with the sweet pea in my belly. As I rocked Liliana to sleep I dreamed of names, faces, personalities..of who this wee one was and how much I would love them. I felt so happy about the THREE guardian angels following me wherever Lyla and I went, I imagined them piled on top of each other in our car as we drove, and totally felt extra safe. I started thinking of everything we would do together, how close the baby and Liliana would be, and how much I couldn't wait to just hold them in my arms.

Liliana and I at the Calgary Folk Festival when we announced that she was a big sister!!!!

Then, one day it was obvious that this little one was not here to stay for very long. I lost them at 8 weeks pregnant. At the time I felt quite matter of fact about it. I had to see the doctor for a anti-d shot because I am a negative blood type...I had to keep functioning for Liliana's sake and for Joe's sake. I felt guilty, so guilty, about the fact that I'd ever questioned if this little person was a good thing. Then I started to feel so sad. This was a little baby who had died, and I mourned the loss, the death! I still mourn. Perhaps this is something that I will always feel a little bit of sadness about.

 I also rejoiced, for this little baby MUST be in heaven. How could they not be? I know we will meet them there one day.

I've never loved the name Tristan, but for some reason TRISTAN was the name of our baby. We love our little T in heaven. I wish that I would be holding him or her in my arms in one short month, but I rejoice in the love that I was blessed to share with this baby in the short amount of time I held them in me.

I don't tell you this for any reason other than to share our joy with you. Also, to share our testimony over the fact that no matter of small or how young, this little one was a person...to be mourned and to be rejoiced over. What a gift we will always cherish.

I recently read a blog by a Mama who had just lost her 8 year old daughter to cancer. She exhorted us all to LOVE our little ones, to let go of the silly attachments that prevent us from teaching, playing with,  breathing in, creating with, just BEING with our children. What a lesson to hold on to as we cherish the souls we've been blessed with.

We love you and we miss those of you who are far away!

XxOo

I Need to Be a Better Gardener...

It's a chilly and grey Saturday morning here in Calgary. The snow has started falling, and I'm sitting here with a delicious steamy mug of licorice spice tea while my little one and my handsome man play nearby. It's a lovely way to spend a few quiet moments and perhaps get a little writing done.

A few days ago a certain line in a Justin Bieber song jumped out at me..."the grass ain't always greener on the other side, it's green where you water it."

Now, make fun of me all you want for my unabashed enjoyment of certain Bieber songs, but I actually think that line has profound implications on life. I have to ask myself whether I spend time griping about the apparently greener grass on the other side, and forget to water the perfectly beautiful patch of grass I'm standing on.

I've always had a certain wanderlust. I know there are aspects of my life that have added to my itchiness to always be on the move, and I know it is also a part of my personality, a part that tends to be dissatisfied quickly and to feel as though it would be easier to start fresh. I also wonder if perhaps it is part of our human condition....that because we are on a journey we are never quite content! Regardless,  I studied at 3 Universities before finishing my undergraduate, and I've lived in 7 places since I was 14 (and my parent's were so amazing at supporting me as I took off time and again!). Now, here we are in Calgary and we will most likely be here for a while (even though we'll always take little trips!). Just last week Joe and I were bitten by a huge desire to jet off again so we booked a next day flight to Dallas and we were gone....

But, I started reflecting on the fact that this desire to always be on the move has negatively impacted certain areas of my life. For instance...I've only been asked to be a bridesmaid once (and I missed the wedding!). I have come to the realization that I'm terrible at being a friend, ergo the whole never being a bridesmaid thing. I've lived in so many places that it is almost as though I'm afraid to commit in friendship, and thus other than my deep friendship with my husband and sisters I've really failed at being a loyal and generous friend to others.

 I've also realized that I fail epically at structure and routine....while I have visions of baking with Liliana, mom's groups, crafts, a schedule etc...I'm just terrible at putting those realities into place.

Joe and I are at our prime when we are on the move together...being spontaneous, facing new adventures and challenges, taking on the world hand in hand. Yet, at home it is so easy to fall into apathy, to forget to take the time to make the ordinary extraordinary, to live with gratitude and zest for life. In short, I forget to water this patch of grass that has been entrusted to me SO OFTEN while I spend too much time dreaming about the next adventure.

Here is the thing.  We are constantly inundated with this highly romanticized notion of life that makes it easy to lack gratitude and generosity in the moment. The most freeing lesson is the one in which you learn that life is supposed to be hard, because then you stop griping, dig deep, and discover great joy! My darling hubby and I were blessed to learn early that love takes work, will power, and doesn't always feel good. While I've known that life isn't easy, and isn't meant to be, these past weeks have been such a great reminder to me of what is really important.

At the end of the day, life is so short! So many things don't matter, but a few things really REALLY matter...and they are what I should be turning my attention to.

So, that being said...I'll close, time to go get waterin'.

Lots of love to you!

Perfectly Imperfect

I think that sometimes people look at us, our life, and think that we are perfect. It makes me feel guilty, because we are so far from perfect, I am so far from perfect, that it is sometimes comical! However, when I think about it, or look at it objectively, how we work through our imperfections to create a beautiful life is the really important thing.

Case in point. Last night we got home from Joe's basketball game (he coaches junior high aged boys). He hopped on skype to talk to a friend, while I ventured into the kitchen to try and make some order out of the mess and get dinner on the table. I set Liliana up in her high chair to eat some soup and drink some bubbly water (her favorite thing to drink!). I'm just going to make a long story short. 10 minutes later we had spilled two cans of bubbly water, there were smashed peas all over the floor, the kitchen was less clean than it had been a few minutes ago, and then my sweet baby slipped on the smashed peas with a cup of almond milk and went flying. Her face, her hair, her clothes, the floor, cupboards...COVERED. I laughed so hard because the next best thing was to cry. There we were, her and I, laughing our heads off over spilled milk.

This was only to top off a day in which I showered (plus!), but didn't dry my hair, of course. I didn't say morning prayers, was 10 minutes late to Mass, remembered a load of laundry that had been sitting in the machine for 2 days and now smells like mold, fed my 18 month old daughter a hamburger for lunch, had a quick 15 minutes workout (plus), but forgot to put deodorant on (of course!) and had to run out the door immediately after the workout without freshening up (thank God for perfume)....but yes, you get the point!

At least I'm not the only one??

I wish I could say that this was not every day. I wish I could say that I have a laundry system, a meal plan, a craft center, nutritious lunches for my daughter that look like dinosaurs and Disney characters, date nights that involve red dresses/three-piece suits and martinis, cardio conditioning that allows me to run half marathons, make time every morning for prayer and every night for more prayer, a perfectly organized kitchen, clean floors, and immaculate bathrooms. I DON'T. 

Every day is less than perfect, every day has a moment that makes me want to cry so I laugh instead, every day is a reminder of just how far I have to go to be holy and as loving of a wife, mother, and friend that I feel called to be. 

(Oh yes, and on the date night point....date night almost always involves trading in a martini for pint of beer, gourmet for chicken wings at the neighborhood pub, and the red dress or suit for jeans and a mossy oak cap: because it is 5 minutes away and affordable.)

Here is the redemptive factor. LOVE and HOPE. I could have gone to bed annoyed and self deprecating, frustrated that my husband had been on skype and despairing that once again it was a day of comically difficult moments. However, I laid my sweet baby in her bed and kissed her soft cheeks, crept out of the room...and found a glass of red wine poured and waiting. We warmed up our cold dinner, sat down together, thanked God for our food and our love, and clinked our glasses to a beautiful life. An hour or so later, with the smashed peas off the floor and the dirty dishes neatly piled next to the sink, I crawled in bed with a man who is my best friend, who loves me in jeans just as much (or more) than he does in a red dress, who can't imagine a life without me even though I am so NOT the perfect wife, mother, and friend....and who is willing to be there with me while I figure it out even if it takes until I'm 95. Feeling safe, secure, and loved...I was reminded with great hope that tomorrow is another day to reset the alarm, fill up my coffee cup, and try again. 

In it all, we love....and we laugh.

xoxo

Beautiful

Dearest Loved Ones, I'M BACK! I just looked at my blog "stats" and it has been 10 months since I last wrote. I can't believe it....I know that Grandma and Grandpa Packard in California have missed reading about our life. I'm sorry to have been gone for so long!

Where have I been? Well, I suppose I've been busy being a mama and a wife. It seems impossible to recap the fullness of the last 10 months. We've traveled to many countries, visited family, moved into our own house, Joe finally got his permanent residency and a job! I don't know why I stopped writing. It is as though there were so many beautiful things, even some sad things moving my heart that I couldn't ever be satisfied how they came out when I put them into words. You know, when life moves you so much your heart feels so full that it hurts? As though the mystery of it all almost makes me sad, even though it flows from peace and joy? Perhaps it is the ever present awareness of time passing...while I try to hold my dear ones close and beg "stay moment, stay," it goes. Either way, I just felt as though I couldn't capture it all in writing. I shall try though!

Here are a few pictures to recap the last many months :)

We went to Ireland for the Eucharistic Congress with
my grandparents. AMAZING!

Liliana was 10 months old and such a joy!

We capped off our trip with a visit to Rome and Assisi.
It was so wonderful!

Happy Canada Day!

In our house we celebrate Australia Day,
Canada Day, and the 4th of July (in this picture!)
We are so lucky!

Enjoying beautiful Calgary Summer. Liliana @
13 months!

Autumn came and with it our little walker. She
is now our runner/jumper/dancer. FUN!

It is so fun seeing her play and use her
imagination. She certainly has her Daddy's
fabulous imagination!!

1st snowfall in October. She LOVES
playing outside in the snow!

Maui for Christmas...17 months

Can't believe we've been married 2.5 years. I
love this man so much!!!

Be still my heart....I love these two!

Liliana is already 17 months. I can't believe it! In many ways, she seems to behave beyond her "months." Perhaps it has something to do with being our first, perhaps it also has something to do with her travelling with us all over the world since the day she was born. I'm sure it is also attributed to all of her older aunts/uncles/cousins. She is such a talker, and it has been so much fun for Joe and I to be able to communicate with her since she was about 10 months old. We certainly have to watch what we say, because she is our little household parrot!

We recently made the big change of putting her in her own toddler bed, in her own bedroom! I think it has been more painful for us than her. Ever since the day she was born we have all been together, almost all the time. Our little apartment in Australia only had one bedroom, so it was just natural that she was never in her own room. Regardless, it is more in line with our philosophy on parenting to have her super close to us early on! In our new house, she was at the end of our bed in her own bed...but by the end of every night we would wake up all cuddled together in Joe and I's bed. It was time to change that, she is getting so big! Oddly enough, I felt tragically sad about it.

So, I was reflecting on Liliana's life so far and it hit me that this is just one more "letting go" that will be part of my whole journey of motherhood. Right after she was born, I remember standing in the shower and crying. I was so happy that Liliana was born, safe, and that we had finally met her. On the other hand, I missed her! I wished I could put her back in my tummy. There have already been a whole series of moments such as these, but this one has struck me particularly hard. It is such a reminder that she is a gift, entrusted to us but only briefly. We have only these individual moments to love her rightly, to equip her to live rightly and with a beautiful soul. Then we have to trust that as we are forced to let go we have loved her well enough that she will be OK.

In this little moment of "letting go". I've seen so clearly that she is OK! She loves her little bed and her own room. She is so secure and feels so safe, that she is not afraid when she wakes up in the dark because she knows that we are nearby and will come to her if she needs us. I suppose that is God's plan for us too...to be so secure in His love that we move through life with confidence and grace.

Well, that's it for now but I hope to be back in just a few day! I'll leave you with a video of our little songbird...hopefully it brightens your day. We miss you, we love you, and we pray for you!

XOXO