The Gift of Lent....and Tristan

Dear Friends and Loved ones,

Oh, the glory of coffee! Do any others of you go to bed thinking about the cup of coffee you are going to have when your alarm goes off? While that may be too much insight into my quirky self, I DO. Here I am, sipping the glorious cup of coffee that I slipped into dreamland looking forward to. 'sigh'!

It is the beautiful time of year that us Catholics celebrate Lent. I tell you, God the Great Psychologist knew our hearts so well when He bequeathed us with this gift. This is a time to refocus on our priorities, in particular our relationship with Him and our heavenly goal....and in the process to strip ourselves of anything that might be hindering us in our friendship with the Lord.

I can't imagine Easter without Lent. The immense joy of Easter day has so much to do with the real suffering and self-examination that comes with going back to the basics during Lent and doing a really honest assesesment of what needs to change in our lives. I think that, knowingly or unknowingly, humans have been trying to model this awesome detox implemented by our Heavenly Father ever since  Lent has existed, because it is so FREEING. If lived well, it creates habits that carry into the celebration of the Easter season and make it even more joy-filled. This is not just 40 days to give something up....this is 40 days to begin a new lifetime of living better and more holier lives, as the best-versions-of-ourselves. (Thank you Matthew Kelly for that awesome phrase!)

As usual, my Lenten commitments started strong and then teetered, teetered, PLOP...into the dust of bad habits and lack of prioritizing. I get so caught up in the business of day to day living that I fall off the track so easily! Ok Emily, time to dust yourself off and start again!

I've been preoccupied this Lent thinking about Liliana's little brother or sister, Tristan. Not very many people know about little baby Tristan, and it seems like miscarriages are something "taboo" to talk about. Maybe it makes people uncomfortable, but I so love that little baby who will be spending Easter celebrating in heaven. Our little baby Tristan was due to be born on Easter Sunday. We found out that we were pregnant with him or her just before Liliana's birthday. While I wasn't shocked, because one of the wonderful things about being Catholic is that openness to life that trusts the Lord to add to our family as He wills....I did feel overwhelmed and full of trepidation. At that point Liliana was still nursing around the clock (ok, she still is), waking multiple times a night, and it felt like she was draining me. Add to it this little life, who I could also feel sapping all of my energy resources, and I felt frightened. I almost felt as though I would have been relieved if this was actually a dream. (Believe me, it's not easy to admit this).

But, little by little I fell in love with the sweet pea in my belly. As I rocked Liliana to sleep I dreamed of names, faces, personalities..of who this wee one was and how much I would love them. I felt so happy about the THREE guardian angels following me wherever Lyla and I went, I imagined them piled on top of each other in our car as we drove, and totally felt extra safe. I started thinking of everything we would do together, how close the baby and Liliana would be, and how much I couldn't wait to just hold them in my arms.

Liliana and I at the Calgary Folk Festival when we announced that she was a big sister!!!!

Then, one day it was obvious that this little one was not here to stay for very long. I lost them at 8 weeks pregnant. At the time I felt quite matter of fact about it. I had to see the doctor for a anti-d shot because I am a negative blood type...I had to keep functioning for Liliana's sake and for Joe's sake. I felt guilty, so guilty, about the fact that I'd ever questioned if this little person was a good thing. Then I started to feel so sad. This was a little baby who had died, and I mourned the loss, the death! I still mourn. Perhaps this is something that I will always feel a little bit of sadness about.

 I also rejoiced, for this little baby MUST be in heaven. How could they not be? I know we will meet them there one day.

I've never loved the name Tristan, but for some reason TRISTAN was the name of our baby. We love our little T in heaven. I wish that I would be holding him or her in my arms in one short month, but I rejoice in the love that I was blessed to share with this baby in the short amount of time I held them in me.

I don't tell you this for any reason other than to share our joy with you. Also, to share our testimony over the fact that no matter of small or how young, this little one was a person...to be mourned and to be rejoiced over. What a gift we will always cherish.

I recently read a blog by a Mama who had just lost her 8 year old daughter to cancer. She exhorted us all to LOVE our little ones, to let go of the silly attachments that prevent us from teaching, playing with,  breathing in, creating with, just BEING with our children. What a lesson to hold on to as we cherish the souls we've been blessed with.

We love you and we miss those of you who are far away!

XxOo