Monday Musings: On Realizing My Own Littleness

When Liliana was born, two and a half years ago, motherhood and I effortlessly became one another. There was nothing that seemed too hard (except for one night of screaming after our trip home from Oz!) and I didn't understand how anyone could possibly not think this being a mama thing was the best and most joyfilled thing to ever happen to them.

When I became pregnant with Judah, I naively assumed that when he was born he would effortlessly merge into our little family, that I would wear him all the time (as I did Liliana), and that we would continue on our merry way.

And then this darling little bundle of baby boy entered our lives. 

Seriously, so squishy and adorable!!

The first few days postpartum were bliss....and then his tummy started hurting and his hands formed into fists and his legs became stiff, he started crying, and crying, and crying, and still cries. I cried and cried, Liliana cried because I was crying and because she was confused and needed her mama, and I morphed into this mother that I could have never imagined myself being. I yelled at Liliana. I resented Judah, my home fell apart, I could really care less about my personal appearance, I felt afraid to leave the house. The suffering felt so intense and so very real, I couldn't (and sometimes still can't) see how life will ever seem as easy as it was.

Moreover, my whole self missed my sweet Liliana with everything in me. I ached to hold her. When she woke at night sad and I was preoccupied with Judah I mourned. When she needed me during the day and I was holding her fussy brother I mourned. I realized that although my heart had grown enough to encompass the love for these two babies of mine, my arms had not grown and I had not gained any extra hands. I missed having Judah safe in my belly and Liliana safe in my arms.  I miss it still.

I miss Joe. He comes home from work and is immediately consumed with attending to Liliana who has fended for herself most of the day. I gratefully accept the gift of just one little one to care for and try to stuff the laundry in with one hand or awkwardly pull together some semblance of dinner! Yet we fall into bed at the end of each day and as I gratefully snuggle up to his warm presence I miss his friendship desperately.

And so we come to the point of this all, that I am learning a vital lesson in humility. To presume that I could do it all, on my own, was so ignorant. To be critical of those who may have adjusted with difficulty to motherhood was so prideful! I myself am little and one of the only things that makes a difficult day not so difficult is if I take a few minutes in the early hours of the morning to place every moment of joy and suffering at the feet of our Lord. I beg for His grace to love beyond my own natural capacity to love, and to fill these little hearts with exactly what they need to thrive.

Truly, to finish this blog on a happy note,we have had so much fun learning to just be at home and keep life simple. I invested in a 4.99 pack of face paints. Let me tell you, we have had a blast! Each day Liliana can be a different character and while I hold Judah we can make all sorts of make believe.

Sweet puppy dog! 

Never underestimate the joy to be had
in a sink bath!!

Princess Liliana Joy!!

There is so much joy in the simple being of each day. There is so much peace in knowing that I have done my best to love these little ones and that they are both growing and happy. I am truly being tried and tested in these early days with our beloved Son. Parenthood is the most amazing thing, and the deepest suffering I've ever known. It has nothing to do with the stench of a diaper, the sleeplessness, or the hard work. It has everything to do with the reality of not enough arms to match the love in one's heart, of seeing a child struggle and not knowing how to meet their needs, of wanting to balance affection towards one's children and one's spouse, of yearning for intellectual stimulation but knowing that your entire day must be oriented towards nourishing and loving the little minds you've been blessed with!

Pray for me and for Judah's tummy, Liliana's peace, and Joe's patience. We pray for all of you!!

xoxo

Cherish

Dear Ones,

How I miss writing!!

Before Judah was born I was part of a group of mamas from my birth centre. We met a few times to learn and grow together as we prepared for our babies. As each one had her baby and shared her birth story I felt more and more guilty about how beautiful and perfect Judah's birthday had been. Well, needless to say the days since his birth have felt so incredibly difficult, that I don't feel guilty anymore! However, more on that later. Right now I just want to focus on the things about our beautiful baby boy that I will miss and want to remember and cherish.

Sweet Judah I absolutely adore....

- the way you gaze at me and follow me around with your beautiful eyes as though you have the biggest crush on me

Truly, who could resist?

- the way you often can't fall sleep unless your eyes are covered and one of us is holding your hands

- the way your long eyelashes fall on your chubby cheeks and make me swoon

- the way you smile at your big sister whenever she is nearby, even though her way of loving you is, well, hands on :)

Her love for you has only intensified since the day you were born!

- the way you love LOVE to be naked, that as soon as you feel the fresh air you kick and squirm and coo. The only way to describe it would be to say that you rejoice!

- the way that your double chin gets bigger and bigger each morning, I swear it grows overnight

Hey there mama! How's my chin lookin' today??

- our quiet mornings together, you know, the early ones before anyone else who knows what is good for them is awake? It is as though you've missed me desperately and just want to chat, no one will ever know how precious our conversations are because it is just you and me

- how much you love bath time and the first big belly laugh you gave us as I ran the tap water over your head

- how much you love your daddy and how he is the only person who can make you laugh so far, as though he is just the coolest person on earth

- the way you cling to me after I've taken you out of your hated carseat, as though you just need me. While it seems overwhelming to be so needed, what would I do with myself if I weren't?

- the way you've been fragile and gassy and fussy and needy, to remind us that we couldn't just stay the same but that you made us a new and different family, one that is forever better because of your presence (as evidenced by this video in which big sis and mama spend many happy and precious daytime hours singing to you to help your tummy feel better!!)

I love you my darling son. I wouldn't trade these challenging first days for anything, even though they've stretched me to (what has felt like) my limit. You bring such joy to our family. Thank you!

Judah David's Birthday

Our beautiful baby boy’s birthday began the morning of November 14^th. It became very clear to me, after many days of anxiety, that I couldn’t tell him that it we were ready to meet him until I let go of my fears, insecurities and need for control/perfection. With our first baby, I truly believe that her peaceful entry into the world had tons to do with allowing my body and my baby to work together, without injecting fear or tension into the process with my over-active brain! I knew that this would be the key to a beautiful birthday for Judah, and so, over and over that morning I listened to Audrey Assad’s “I Shall Not Want.” My sweet 2 year old and I had such a happy morning together, and peacefully I lay down for a nap telling Judah that we were ready and excited to meet him.

I didn’t sleep well because I was having light contractions, which really meant nothing to me due to the fact that I’d had weeks of light contractions!  We happily just played around the home as I tidied just in case and kept an eye on consistency of the contractions. They were coming regularly and started coming closer together but no more intensely! Around 4 pm I decided to have a bath and half glass of wine, knowing that if this was false labor it would stop! When it didn’t stop them I allowed myself to feel a small twinge of excitement and continued on.

Around 5:30 I called my midwives just to give them a heads up that contractions were around 5 minutes apart just in case they had 3 other ladies in labor too (they didn't)! I could talk through them, though and had no sense of needing to be “checked.”

We started getting Liliana ready to go to her grandparents, just in case. Oh, my heart felt slightly broken sending her out the door. She was so excited to go to Lolli and Grandads and innocently asked, “you not coming Mama?” "No sweetie, I’m not, I will see you soon though!" I packed her away with birthday cake makings for her baby brother. She made an absolutely beautiful mess of a cake and we’ve enjoyed it since J

7:30 pm I called the midwives again as contractions were 3 -5 minutes apart but totally manageable….again I told them no need to come check! I will never forget how pleasant it was, being with just my love in the comfort of our own home. He was working away on his computer and I was quietly moving about the home telling myself to “open, open, open,” with every contraction. In contrast to my first labor, where all I wanted was quiet and stillness….I had the sense that this baby needed movement. Thus it was that I danced, quietly in our kitchen, for hours. I had to stop and breath through contractions but I didn’t want anyone’s help. It was just Judah and I, working together towards his birth, with my darling husband there in case I needed him! I will always remember what it was like swaying there, imagining his little face and wanting to meet him soooo badly!

Just before 11 pm my mom called and advised me to lay down and try to sleep. In her wisdom she knew that if this little boy was coming nothing would stop him but that if I needed to rest I could. I felt discouraged that maybe he wasn’t coming even though it had been hours of moderate work J However, I whispered a prayer of surrender and I lay down

Immediately I was hit by 2 doozies, and I mean doozies! I was there trying to gain some semblance of the peace and control I had maintained until I finally willed myself out of my bed to alert Joe. He called my mom and the midwives and they were all on their way. Thank goodness he had already set up the pool in our living room and had the hose all ready to go to fill it up! I was shaking with adrenaline, and needed Joe for counter pressure. He warmed up the rice bag for my abdomen and put nice strong counter pressure on my back. All I could do during each contraction was tell baby Judah that I loved him, over and over and over. Joe whispered “peace” to me.

With the arrival of my mom, sisters, and midwives came a flurry of activity, especially when I told them that I was feeling some pressure. Joe quickly started filling the pool and for the first time I was checked. 7-8 cms and baby was right there, our midwife told me. I asked her if she could feel if he had hair. She laughed and said no, and then hustled off to set up all of their equipment. Everything you could possibly need, medically, was there waiting just in case. There is something so hopeful about that moment in labor when you see the little hats and blankets warming there….knowing that soon they will be on YOUR baby! My sisters were on hot water duty, filling and refilling pots to add to the pool. They were invaluable!!

The intensity of the pressure and contractions was overwhelming. I kept telling Judah I loved him as each contraction brought me to my knees, and I imagined myself climbing a mountain knowing that the peak meant I could come down and rest. I labor silently, just breathing, and so Joe watched intently knowing immediately when I needed him and continuing with counter pressure. My mom held the warm rice bag on my abdomen so I could just focus.

Finally I could get in the water and OH it felt sooooo good. It was so soothing and made the contractions so much less intense! I only had a few contractions in the pool until I started feeling pushy. It was such a distinct change. I still had to climb the mountain but then on the way down it really was like descending down because my body just started bearing down! I was chanting to myself (in my head) “down down and out like a slide.” I was imagining little man just sliding down and out, willing my body to be open for him. I just stayed in the position that felt good, which was on my hands and knees with my head resting on the side of the pool. The first real pushing contraction my water broke and it was such relief. The second pushing contraction his head was born (ouch!) and our amazing midwife told me to just rest and next contraction we would have a baby! I felt his little shoulders, arms, and legs slither out as she passed him straight through my legs and into my arms. My arms were the first to ever hold him, and I will never forget that moment. “Hi baby, hi baby, hi baby!!!.” My heart was bursting with love!

We just sat there, as he made hardly a peep and we kept him warm with the lovely water (which was basically guck free! I was happy about that). The cord pulsed for a long time as I basked in the total happiness of holding my little prize and everyone oooing and ahhhing and praising. Once it stopped pulsing Godmama Jocelyn cut it, and I was helped out of the tub, still holding little man to my chest. Taken to my own bed, I was checked for tears (none!) and then just tucked in. How glorious!! The whole time my sweet son never left my chest, and we all just admired him. The amazing midwives checked Judah out, his apgars were 9 and 10, and then cleaned up! They even put laundry in. What a gift! They had arrived just before midnight, baby was born at 1:05 am, and after a champagne toast and slice of banana bread they were gone by 3:30. Joe and I were left to admire our beautiful new baby and go to sleep. What a birthday, what a memory, how blessed we are!!

Judah David Packard

6 lbs 10 ounces

20.25 inches

November 15, 2013