Rosalie Thérèse, our sweet little Rose, is almost 6 months old. Her birth story, unlike any of our other children, I have had to ponder on a while - processing, cherishing, acknowledging, questioning. There was nothing traumatic or earth shattering about her journey earthside, but being born in 2020 bears with it its own weight and magnitude, even if everything goes according to hope.
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| Six months and so full of LIFE |
My pregnancy with Rosalie was most certainly the most difficult, and not because of the regular and willingly suffered discomforts of pregnancy, but because of a crushing sense of anxiety, coupled with a few serious illnesses for me, and then the perceived fruition of my anxieties presenting itself in the form of covid 19 and a world flipped on its head!
But we see the hand of a Loving Father in all of it, most exquisitely manifest in the choosing of our sweet girls' name! Even before we knew she was a girl I bought a tiny little rose covered bonnet just in case we had the opportunity to cover a sweet daughter's head with it. The name Rosalie presented itself to us before we had any sense of what was coming for our world, and we started calling her by name in December of 2019. Come March 2020, with the emergence of the covid-19 pandemic, we learned that St. Rosalie was being invoked throughout the Catholic world as the patron saint of plagues and pandemics. It was as if, in that very moment, God was reassuring us that HE was in control, and outside of time He was working all things for our good. I believe that to my very core, even though things still seem confusing, upside-down, and backwards! He is a good, good Father.
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| Full term with our Rosalie and so very eager to hold her in my arms! |
If you've read any of my other birth stories you know that I have always used the hypnobabies program to prepare for the work of welcoming our babies. However, I had a nasty respiratory virus in January and February that caused me to pull an intercostal muscle (we think?). Either way, it made it impossible to take deep breaths! For me the most helpful part of the hypnobabies program is deep, nourishing breaths directed at my muscles, allowing them to totally relax and do their job! However, I couldn't breath SO I lay awake at night wondering just how I was going to manage to birth our baby, when every time I tried to practice hypnobabies I ended up feeling like I couldn't breath at all. I knew this was going to be a different birth, and for the very first time in all four births I felt incredibly afraid.
This, coupled with the fact that all of a sudden covid restrictions meant midwifery care changed. I am a creature of habit, I find deep security in the patterns that I can predict, the ones that have made me feel safe and seen in years past. All of a sudden the midwives could/would only see me if there was a concern. If not we would stretch out the appointments. I didn't have any glaring symptoms of a concern, baby was moving well, I felt decent BUT I did find it terribly difficult to not be able to hear Rosalie's heartbeat, measure her growth, and connect in person with our midwives who were also my friends and a very safe place. Admittedly, at 35 weeks or so when I got the email cancelling my appointment, I sat in our car and cried. Everything was changing so quickly and I held my belly wondering how I could bring a baby into this mess! I felt afraid of so many things...being separated from my baby, not having a home birth, Joe losing his job, not knowing how to get groceries (haha). I cried, I prayed, I barely slept, and I worried. Admittedly, it was an incredibly difficult time for me. I felt like a shadow of myself.
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| "Sheltering in place" in our front yard. It was a long and cold spring in Calgary, Rosalie and I both soaked up the sun on this warm day and I delighted in watching my older children run and play! |
And yet, my love for this little girl was fierce, and huge. Knowing that her existence was not an accident, and knowing that she was created for a time such as this, I prayed for the courage to bring her earthside in a way that honoured the already existing beauty of her vocation to LOVE.
I often took recourse to the words of Our Lady of Guadalupe, as our little one was named in honour of the Blessed Mother. These words in particular I read over and over, "nothing should frighten or grieve you. Let not your heart be disturbed. Do not fear that sickness, nor any other sickness or anguish. Am I not here, who is your Mother? Are you not under my protection? Am I not your health? Are you not happily within my fold? What else do you wish?"
At my 39 week appointment, Rosalie was measuring smaller than she had been all along, and I had dropped several pounds (thanks, anxiety!), and as opposed to ordering an ultrasound our midwife Patty felt it was fine to try and get things started. I remember going to bed feeling fairly certain that Rosalie would be born the next day, and cradling my belly feeling feeling a mixture of sadness and excitement that the next day she may be in my arms and out of my belly. She had known the safe security of my beating heart for 40 weeks. I marvel that all of my children know what my heart sounds like from the inside. I wonder when they cuddle into me with their head on my chest if they experience nostalgia for that reality. My heart broke and thrilled to know that very soon I would cuddle our darling, skin to skin and heart to heart, but on the outside.
I woke up early with fairly inconsistent but real contractions. For the first time in my experience my whole self rebelled against the reality! Joe, sensing it, arranged with my (angel) sister Anna to take the older children fairly early in the day while reassuring me that it didn't matter if I spent the whole day sleeping. Concurrently, my (angel) of a mother showed up to be of any necessary support. She brought her amazing wooden citrus juicer and made me a black tea with lemon and honey. I was tired after several weeks of schooling at home and worrying all night long. In those morning hours I felt fairly certain I'd rather not have a baby today, thank you very much! The contractions certainly matched my wishy washy attitude. However, they were real and consistent enough that I called Patty, our midwife, who arrived and found me 4 cm dilated. I was discouraged as the last two births our midwives had arrived to find me a 7 or 8! However, Patty was very cheerful about it and gleefully declared she could get the paperwork done before baby made her appearance. We all laughed.
Things become blurry for me but if I think back to those couple of hours they are a peaceful feeling, if that makes sense. Patty did paper work, checked baby's heartbeat, and visited with my mom. Joe made sure the pool was set up, extra hot water was boiling, and the sheets were just-so (two sets with a shower curtain between) on the bed. Rosalie's birth playlist was playing, all of the songs I'd been listening to since we knew she was coming. A particular favorite was "Lead you Home" by Emorie. She still calms when I sing it to her, she heard me sing it to her so many times on the inside!
However, finally Patty and my mom told me that if I wanted to have this baby I should just start doing lunges on the stairs and she would come! I decided that despite being very tired we should probably just get this whole thing over with and so I started doing lunges on the stairs. Every contraction I'd hold onto the railing and count backwards from 20, but every so often also saying "Jesus, Mary, Joseph." It was all very quiet and in my own head so the world kept moving nicely around me, but Joe hovered ever so closely making sure there was nothing I needed. I have a distinct memory of being in the middle of a hard contraction and Patty asking my mom what Joe's middle name was. However, my mom thought Patty had asked what Rosalie's middle name was and told her it was Therese. Patty didn't even blink an eye as she noted that down, and as soon as the contraction was over I set the record straight. Everyone laughed and Patty admitted she thought it was a pretty bizarre middle name for Joe but of course she has heard all sorts of names! I'm grateful Rosalie's birth records don't show her father as having the middle name of Therese!
Joe was helping me from one place to the next in our home and as the next contraction set in I looked at him and very sincerely told him I did not believe I could do it. That's the first time I've ever felt that way when having a baby. I just felt too tired! He looked at me and with all sincerity told me that meant she was almost here. I could have wept. I did tear up, but he has never lied to me and in that moment I believed him with every fiber of my being. I then looked at Patty and told her I would like to leave now, thank you very much! She answered so matter of factly and asked me where exactly I would go. In my labour land brain I realized I was the one having a baby and there was nowhere I could go to depart from this very real place of hard work and deep, purifying, soul stretching LOVE. Patty did suggest I get in the pool for some relief and we all decided that was a good idea.
However, as soon as I got in the first contraction brought that never forgettable feeling of involuntary pushing. It is SO powerful and so impossible to contain. Even though the second midwife hadn't yet arrived Patty told me to just do whatever felt right and not worry about anything else. She is amazing!! SO, about 3 minutes later our girl was born! I have a very distinct memory of her giving one last kick inside of my belly as she was born. It was so striking to me in that moment - she was in-between worlds and giving one more final goodbye to her first home. Up, up through the warm water into my outstretched arms. I clasped her to my chest. She was here. Oh, she was finally here!
Unlike the boys who were quiet and pensive she immediately let us know that she was slightly annoyed to be so rudely evicted from her watery home (much like her big sister!).
Time stands still once your sweet baby is in your arms, perhaps especially in a home water birth? Baby is just kept warm with mama, no need to be rubbed or dried or measured. The beautiful nourishing blood keeps pumping through the still attached umbilical cord until it has become white. We just stared at our darling. We spoke to her, we marvelled over her her, we commented on her features and took so many pictures. For the first time in our births Joe cut the umbilical cord, which took great courage I might add! And then his sweet, beautiful, second daughter was handed up to him. What a moment after 40 long weeks of supporting me in carrying her. She is so lucky to have him as her daddy!
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| Brave daddy cutting the umbilical cord! |
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| Finally holding his baby daughter |
There is something beautiful about the ritual of caring for a woman after she has had a baby. I cherish it always. In such a vulnerable, raw place to be helped to bed, dried off, covered in something warm, hydrated out of a straw and fed, clucked over and congratulated. There are few things like it, feeling like an absolute queen in pyjamas. I clutched tiny, sweet new life against my bare chest as she peacefully listened to the reassuring thump of my familiar heartbeat.
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| Gentle newborn checks |
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| So many reassuring hands on our sweet new girl! |
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| Being held and loved by her Lolly |
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| Resting together.... |
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| Those quiet, postpartum moments. I so treasure these kind of photos.... |
Very shortly after the children came bursting through the door, with my dad and grandma and sister! Oh so much joy, so much excitement, and turn taking, and ooing and ahhing! We knew Rosalie was a gift to her siblings, and their joy affirmed our conviction. But also seeing the joyful tears of my Grandmother as she held her hours-old great granddaughter will forever be imprinted on my heart. Especially in covid, Rosalie was like a breath of heavenly air for all of us.
Deep resounding violence of
Two hearts beating for each other
In the quiet
Stillness I’m reminded of
What it means to love another
Ooh
I would carry it all
For you
When the light has gone
And all the night has fallen
When the last bird sings goodnight
When the sigh of songs inside your heart come calling
Let it lead you home to me
All the gilded
Moments i have lifted from seasons in the rough
I keep hidden deep inside my vision
A tapestry of us
Oh my only one
Sweet like summer sun
Oh my only one
When the light has gone
And all the night has fallen
when the last bird sings goodnight
when the sigh of songs inside your heart come calling
let it lead you home to me" - Lead You Home by Emorie and the Seasons
