Monday Musings: On Realizing My Own Littleness

When Liliana was born, two and a half years ago, motherhood and I effortlessly became one another. There was nothing that seemed too hard (except for one night of screaming after our trip home from Oz!) and I didn't understand how anyone could possibly not think this being a mama thing was the best and most joyfilled thing to ever happen to them.

When I became pregnant with Judah, I naively assumed that when he was born he would effortlessly merge into our little family, that I would wear him all the time (as I did Liliana), and that we would continue on our merry way.

And then this darling little bundle of baby boy entered our lives. 

Seriously, so squishy and adorable!!

The first few days postpartum were bliss....and then his tummy started hurting and his hands formed into fists and his legs became stiff, he started crying, and crying, and crying, and still cries. I cried and cried, Liliana cried because I was crying and because she was confused and needed her mama, and I morphed into this mother that I could have never imagined myself being. I yelled at Liliana. I resented Judah, my home fell apart, I could really care less about my personal appearance, I felt afraid to leave the house. The suffering felt so intense and so very real, I couldn't (and sometimes still can't) see how life will ever seem as easy as it was.

Moreover, my whole self missed my sweet Liliana with everything in me. I ached to hold her. When she woke at night sad and I was preoccupied with Judah I mourned. When she needed me during the day and I was holding her fussy brother I mourned. I realized that although my heart had grown enough to encompass the love for these two babies of mine, my arms had not grown and I had not gained any extra hands. I missed having Judah safe in my belly and Liliana safe in my arms.  I miss it still.

I miss Joe. He comes home from work and is immediately consumed with attending to Liliana who has fended for herself most of the day. I gratefully accept the gift of just one little one to care for and try to stuff the laundry in with one hand or awkwardly pull together some semblance of dinner! Yet we fall into bed at the end of each day and as I gratefully snuggle up to his warm presence I miss his friendship desperately.

And so we come to the point of this all, that I am learning a vital lesson in humility. To presume that I could do it all, on my own, was so ignorant. To be critical of those who may have adjusted with difficulty to motherhood was so prideful! I myself am little and one of the only things that makes a difficult day not so difficult is if I take a few minutes in the early hours of the morning to place every moment of joy and suffering at the feet of our Lord. I beg for His grace to love beyond my own natural capacity to love, and to fill these little hearts with exactly what they need to thrive.

Truly, to finish this blog on a happy note,we have had so much fun learning to just be at home and keep life simple. I invested in a 4.99 pack of face paints. Let me tell you, we have had a blast! Each day Liliana can be a different character and while I hold Judah we can make all sorts of make believe.

Sweet puppy dog! 

Never underestimate the joy to be had
in a sink bath!!

Princess Liliana Joy!!

There is so much joy in the simple being of each day. There is so much peace in knowing that I have done my best to love these little ones and that they are both growing and happy. I am truly being tried and tested in these early days with our beloved Son. Parenthood is the most amazing thing, and the deepest suffering I've ever known. It has nothing to do with the stench of a diaper, the sleeplessness, or the hard work. It has everything to do with the reality of not enough arms to match the love in one's heart, of seeing a child struggle and not knowing how to meet their needs, of wanting to balance affection towards one's children and one's spouse, of yearning for intellectual stimulation but knowing that your entire day must be oriented towards nourishing and loving the little minds you've been blessed with!

Pray for me and for Judah's tummy, Liliana's peace, and Joe's patience. We pray for all of you!!

xoxo