The Gift of Lent....and Tristan

Dear Friends and Loved ones,

Oh, the glory of coffee! Do any others of you go to bed thinking about the cup of coffee you are going to have when your alarm goes off? While that may be too much insight into my quirky self, I DO. Here I am, sipping the glorious cup of coffee that I slipped into dreamland looking forward to. 'sigh'!

It is the beautiful time of year that us Catholics celebrate Lent. I tell you, God the Great Psychologist knew our hearts so well when He bequeathed us with this gift. This is a time to refocus on our priorities, in particular our relationship with Him and our heavenly goal....and in the process to strip ourselves of anything that might be hindering us in our friendship with the Lord.

I can't imagine Easter without Lent. The immense joy of Easter day has so much to do with the real suffering and self-examination that comes with going back to the basics during Lent and doing a really honest assesesment of what needs to change in our lives. I think that, knowingly or unknowingly, humans have been trying to model this awesome detox implemented by our Heavenly Father ever since  Lent has existed, because it is so FREEING. If lived well, it creates habits that carry into the celebration of the Easter season and make it even more joy-filled. This is not just 40 days to give something up....this is 40 days to begin a new lifetime of living better and more holier lives, as the best-versions-of-ourselves. (Thank you Matthew Kelly for that awesome phrase!)

As usual, my Lenten commitments started strong and then teetered, teetered, PLOP...into the dust of bad habits and lack of prioritizing. I get so caught up in the business of day to day living that I fall off the track so easily! Ok Emily, time to dust yourself off and start again!

I've been preoccupied this Lent thinking about Liliana's little brother or sister, Tristan. Not very many people know about little baby Tristan, and it seems like miscarriages are something "taboo" to talk about. Maybe it makes people uncomfortable, but I so love that little baby who will be spending Easter celebrating in heaven. Our little baby Tristan was due to be born on Easter Sunday. We found out that we were pregnant with him or her just before Liliana's birthday. While I wasn't shocked, because one of the wonderful things about being Catholic is that openness to life that trusts the Lord to add to our family as He wills....I did feel overwhelmed and full of trepidation. At that point Liliana was still nursing around the clock (ok, she still is), waking multiple times a night, and it felt like she was draining me. Add to it this little life, who I could also feel sapping all of my energy resources, and I felt frightened. I almost felt as though I would have been relieved if this was actually a dream. (Believe me, it's not easy to admit this).

But, little by little I fell in love with the sweet pea in my belly. As I rocked Liliana to sleep I dreamed of names, faces, personalities..of who this wee one was and how much I would love them. I felt so happy about the THREE guardian angels following me wherever Lyla and I went, I imagined them piled on top of each other in our car as we drove, and totally felt extra safe. I started thinking of everything we would do together, how close the baby and Liliana would be, and how much I couldn't wait to just hold them in my arms.

Liliana and I at the Calgary Folk Festival when we announced that she was a big sister!!!!

Then, one day it was obvious that this little one was not here to stay for very long. I lost them at 8 weeks pregnant. At the time I felt quite matter of fact about it. I had to see the doctor for a anti-d shot because I am a negative blood type...I had to keep functioning for Liliana's sake and for Joe's sake. I felt guilty, so guilty, about the fact that I'd ever questioned if this little person was a good thing. Then I started to feel so sad. This was a little baby who had died, and I mourned the loss, the death! I still mourn. Perhaps this is something that I will always feel a little bit of sadness about.

 I also rejoiced, for this little baby MUST be in heaven. How could they not be? I know we will meet them there one day.

I've never loved the name Tristan, but for some reason TRISTAN was the name of our baby. We love our little T in heaven. I wish that I would be holding him or her in my arms in one short month, but I rejoice in the love that I was blessed to share with this baby in the short amount of time I held them in me.

I don't tell you this for any reason other than to share our joy with you. Also, to share our testimony over the fact that no matter of small or how young, this little one was a person...to be mourned and to be rejoiced over. What a gift we will always cherish.

I recently read a blog by a Mama who had just lost her 8 year old daughter to cancer. She exhorted us all to LOVE our little ones, to let go of the silly attachments that prevent us from teaching, playing with,  breathing in, creating with, just BEING with our children. What a lesson to hold on to as we cherish the souls we've been blessed with.

We love you and we miss those of you who are far away!

XxOo

I Need to Be a Better Gardener...

It's a chilly and grey Saturday morning here in Calgary. The snow has started falling, and I'm sitting here with a delicious steamy mug of licorice spice tea while my little one and my handsome man play nearby. It's a lovely way to spend a few quiet moments and perhaps get a little writing done.

A few days ago a certain line in a Justin Bieber song jumped out at me..."the grass ain't always greener on the other side, it's green where you water it."

Now, make fun of me all you want for my unabashed enjoyment of certain Bieber songs, but I actually think that line has profound implications on life. I have to ask myself whether I spend time griping about the apparently greener grass on the other side, and forget to water the perfectly beautiful patch of grass I'm standing on.

I've always had a certain wanderlust. I know there are aspects of my life that have added to my itchiness to always be on the move, and I know it is also a part of my personality, a part that tends to be dissatisfied quickly and to feel as though it would be easier to start fresh. I also wonder if perhaps it is part of our human condition....that because we are on a journey we are never quite content! Regardless,  I studied at 3 Universities before finishing my undergraduate, and I've lived in 7 places since I was 14 (and my parent's were so amazing at supporting me as I took off time and again!). Now, here we are in Calgary and we will most likely be here for a while (even though we'll always take little trips!). Just last week Joe and I were bitten by a huge desire to jet off again so we booked a next day flight to Dallas and we were gone....

But, I started reflecting on the fact that this desire to always be on the move has negatively impacted certain areas of my life. For instance...I've only been asked to be a bridesmaid once (and I missed the wedding!). I have come to the realization that I'm terrible at being a friend, ergo the whole never being a bridesmaid thing. I've lived in so many places that it is almost as though I'm afraid to commit in friendship, and thus other than my deep friendship with my husband and sisters I've really failed at being a loyal and generous friend to others.

 I've also realized that I fail epically at structure and routine....while I have visions of baking with Liliana, mom's groups, crafts, a schedule etc...I'm just terrible at putting those realities into place.

Joe and I are at our prime when we are on the move together...being spontaneous, facing new adventures and challenges, taking on the world hand in hand. Yet, at home it is so easy to fall into apathy, to forget to take the time to make the ordinary extraordinary, to live with gratitude and zest for life. In short, I forget to water this patch of grass that has been entrusted to me SO OFTEN while I spend too much time dreaming about the next adventure.

Here is the thing.  We are constantly inundated with this highly romanticized notion of life that makes it easy to lack gratitude and generosity in the moment. The most freeing lesson is the one in which you learn that life is supposed to be hard, because then you stop griping, dig deep, and discover great joy! My darling hubby and I were blessed to learn early that love takes work, will power, and doesn't always feel good. While I've known that life isn't easy, and isn't meant to be, these past weeks have been such a great reminder to me of what is really important.

At the end of the day, life is so short! So many things don't matter, but a few things really REALLY matter...and they are what I should be turning my attention to.

So, that being said...I'll close, time to go get waterin'.

Lots of love to you!