The Little Converse

One month ago I wrote my last blog post....and since then I've been suffering from a serious case of the "uninspired writer." Now, there are several reasons why I felt so uninspired, but the most prominent one was the fact that Joe and I were keeping a fabulous big secret around which my whole world seemed to be revolving and nothing else seemed to matter! Yes, that's right, Baby Packard is on the way...or, if you are Joe "little bear." We finally have someone in our lives to wear the teeny tiny converse high tops we are in possession of!  But, before I delve into that I want to wish all of our loved ones, far and near, a very happy year 2011. We have been thinking of all of our dearest ones, missing you, praying for you, contemplating all of the fabulous places that your lives are leading you. We will continue to do so!

So, back to our sweet little one, there is just so much on my heart! It's been an interesting few months, and certainly the experience of being newly pregnant (for the first time) is not totally what I expected it to be. Joe and I were totally open to the gift of a little life to take care of, so I was not shocked at all, yet at the same time I found myself, in the days that followed discovering our pregnancy, to be wondering if it was all a big dream. In an odd way, I found myself thinking that if I were to discover that it was, I might feel relieved! Truly, in a way that I did not imagine, in one moment my whole life changed, our whole life changed. I was going back and forth between jubilation and trepidation, so many thoughts going through my head at one time ranging from "what color of hair will our baby have?," to "how in heaven's name am I going to be a wife, mama, and masters degree student?", to "am I open to putting on the weight necessary to carry this tiny little thing?", to "whyyyyyyy did we move so far away from our family???". In retrospect, some of my thoughts and questions were entirely superficial, but they were my thoughts! I told Joe the day that I found out, but I waited all day, from 8 am until 9 pm when he finally arrived home from work!! I wrote him a card telling him how much I loved him, and then at the bottom I put the ps: you are a daddy!. I was really shaking, I don't know why, but it's like my heart and psyche were, in their deepest part, aware of what life-altering news I was sharing. Joe was immediately ecstatic, but he did have to sit down and breath deeply for a moment :) The next day we went for a celebratory market trip, bought me and baby some prenatal vitamins and Joe a victory beer, sat in the park and just marvelled. There is something quite wonderful about knowing that you have a little soul in your life that no one even knows exists yet! Quite soon we did tell our parents. Initially we had thought to wait until Christmas but I immediately had questions for my mom and we felt the need for support. Honestly, I thought I know a decent amount about babies from taking care of siblings but as soon as we found out we were expecting I felt totally clueless. We told our parents over skype, by sending them a file while we were video-chatting. This is the file they received...and, of course, they were elated. We are so blessed to have parents that are open to our openness. Praise God!

I know that many in our lives have questions about what this means for our plans, so I will try to answer some FAQs:

1.  What does this mean for Emily's grad school? I am continuing with my master's degree as planned. I start on January 24th so of course I feel nervous. The goal is to finish almost a full year of degree before Baby is born, which means I will be participating in quite a few "intensive" courses so as to accomplish that. Then, after that we will discern, but the plan is that I will continue to attend night classes a few nights a week, and Joe can accompany us to take care of our little one and bring him or her to me when he or she needs to eat. Yes, we recognize that there may be challenges along the way, but we will simply take one day at a time.

2. So, is Baby going to be born in Melbourne? Yes, wonderfully enough through my international student health insurance my pregnancy is 80% covered and so we are booked into the Family Birth Center in Heidelberg, Victoria. The center is a midwife center and Joe and I feel very positive that it is a great place for us!

3. Due date? Well, Baby is tentatively due August 1...we will confirm when we have an ultrasound!

Yes, another big step in our journey. While it is overwhelming, we couldn't feel more blessed! I look back on the last years of my life and from the move to Dallas, to engagement and marriage to Joe, graduation, the move to Melbourne, and finally this pregnancy, it has been an absolute whirlwind. Do I have moments of feeling the need to breath? Yes, totally. If I allow myself to feel sorry for myself, I crave what, in my mind, is "normal." A husband who works 8-5, a cute little house, friends who we can have over for dinner, weekends in the mountains. Yet, when I stop to think about it I'm pretty sure everyone has a "normal" that they crave, and secondly it is undeniable that the more we trust the more we are totally showered with gifts and blessings. Those gifts and blessings make it so apparent to me that we are called to persevere. And so, we do, with great joy! I'm certainly not the best at living the joy I know we've been given, but I have an awesome husband who reminds me to look for every day miracles. Thank you, Joe, and thank you God for knowing better than I do what and who I need.

Well, that's it for now and hopefully the uninspired feeling stays at bay for a little while. Until then, though, know how much we love you and pray for you. We thank you for your prayers, congratulations and love.  We miss you, dear loved ones!

xoxo