Liliana - An Update

Liliana: An Update

This has been quite the year for our sweet, determined, imaginative girl! She started pre-school in the fall at a little school close to our house. She had quite a period of adjustment but now goes happily 3 mornings a week. Her biggest problem is that all the boys want to marry her, and that she is far more interested in playing than learning letters. Her teachers, thanks be to God, recognize that she is only 4 years old and it is OK that she is uninterested in letters. So, she plays and on the side learns a little bit. Exactly as a 4 year old should.

1 of 10,000 costume changes in a day for our imaginative girl

Pink day at school....she rocked it!

She is alternatively and simultaneously maddening and delightful. She is so eager to be helpful, she is inquisitive and adventurous, and incredibly athletic. She asks questions out of the blue like, “daddy, if God made Adam and Eve, who made God?” or “mommy if bad guys say s**t than are you a bad guy because I’ve heard you say it?” or “mommy this was a really good episode of my little pony, it taught me that I must forgive myself because the past is the past.” All of these questions lead to the current moment’s preoccupation being set down and a lesson in life and love being taught with a little prayer to the Holy Spirit.

Christmas gifts, a pony and a cat. It's the simple things in life when you are 4 years old

Along with these delightful qualities she is also in a phase of defiance, attitude, and a good amount of sass.

Little miss Sassy herself at the Christmas symphony

Regardless of the day we’ve had, nighttime comes and she emerges in her fuzzy pj's, dragging her soft blanket, asking for snuggles or to be held. What an age! As I see glimpses of the “big girl” she is becoming I snuggle her even tighter dreading the day when she outgrows her “fuzzies,” in every way.

 

Butterfly bandaids on her chin from a wild flying gymanstics leap into a window,
a pretty dress, and her daddy's lap....a perfect image of our girl

I don’t want to forget little things about this year with our Lyla Bug, such as the way she sped through every level of preschool swimming, like a little fish. She becomes something else when she enters the water - the joy just oozes out of her. I always need to remember the way she loves chicken wings, and so when we take our family out for wing night she sits there, pigtails and dirty face, as the wings pile up on her plate. She has no sense of how dirty her face is, yet she uses a wet wipe for her hands every 2 wings. I watch in amazement. She believes unquestionably in God, Jesus, Mary, and the Angels. I don’t want to forget how easy it was to teach her about these heavenly things because, as a child, her faith is so simple. It is just obvious to her!  I never want to forget what it is like to peek around the corner and secretly watch her imaginative play, relishing in her utter immersion in the game she has created for herself.

Wing night, her favorite are honey garlic

Liliana is such a tender and devoted big sister. She cares for Judah in a detailed and aware manner. The odd time he drives her crazy but we coach her through navigating those moments and I thrill to think of the friendship they could have as they grow.

A bittersweet memory, but I don’t want to forget how she clung to me as I dropped her at school, crying and crying. I had to pass her to her teachers and run to the car, where I too cried and cried and couldn’t drive. I wondered what we had gotten ourselves into.

I could go on and on, and yet this is only supposed to be an update.  Liliana Joy, it is such a pleasure to be your mommy. There have been nights, after you are asleep, that I turn to your daddy and wonder how it is that I am not ruining you because as our eldest I am learning as you are growing. Some days I am so quick tempered or my expectations are too high. You are so forgiving and quick to forget, you just LOVE us and continue to trust us unquestionably. Thank you, our darling. We praise our good God for the gift of you!

Moments of Grace: The Water Slide

I squeeze my sweet boy tight, inhaling his soft skin and delighting in his beautiful self. Yet, as I hold him and love him I gaze wistfully below me to the pool. I feel the familiar catch in my throat and chest as I think "I used to love doing that." 

I loved swimming. I miss it. I miss the silence as I dove into the water, the murmur of the world above as I pushed my body to work, the strength that I felt...the escape.

I don't swim anymore. Babies, sickness, finances, family, exhaustion....oh, that thing called life....it consumes me and swims don't happen. I wouldn't trade my life for anything, my loves are an absolute gift, and yet I am dishonest if I don't admit that self-forgetfulness is hard, and sometimes life feels very heavy.

Then she grabs my hand, my darling mama. "Come on Emily," she says, "you and I are going on the water slide." She offers to go first, to show me that if I point my toes and touch them I will fly. She laughs out loud as she flies down the slide, losing control around the corners, splashing water up over the side. She points her toes and shows me that it is good to delight in a moment of fun.

I feel strangely nervous as I sit at the top waiting for the red light to turn green. I take off, point my toes, and feel a true thrill as I fly. I laugh. I arrive at the bottom and she says, "AGAIN."

Us two mamas do the slide again, and even again. We laugh and our hair is wet, our hands are like raisins. I walk back to my boy and squeeze him tight. Yet, the wistfulness is gone. That moment of fun on the water slide erased the small sorrow of the moment and replaced it with gratitude. This was a gift and a lesson to me... to seek instances of joy as refreshment on this incredible journey of love that is life.

Thank you, Mama.

xoxo

Remembering....

Remembering, with a slightly achy but joyfully overflowing heart....

- feverishly keeping our home clean as we waited with baited breath for our son. A nightly vacuum and mop, scrubbed counters, clutter gone, towels piled and the pool blown up downstairs, a teensy hat set aside

- holding my sweet daughter a little closer knowing that soon she would be a big sister and that the simplicity of our days as a family of three would be changed

- talking to our unborn baby every night telling him how we couldn't wait to meet him

- looking at my big belly in the mirror and dreaming of the teeny person inside, not knowing what he looked like or who he would be, and wondering if I'd ever look or feel like myself again (if I'm being entirely honest!)

- the first flutters of excitement in my heart when I thought "today might be the day!"

- sending L out the door to her grandparents and wishing I could snatch her up and hold her forever

- dancing in the dark kitchen through contractions, telling our boy I loved him and that he was very safe

- feeling utterly and perfectly connected to my handsome husband as we awaited our babe together and he anticipated my every need

- a flurry of excitement when our midwives arrived, midnight, snow falling, baby coming SOON

- the intense, utter, gut wrenching, life changing love I had for our son the moment I scooped him up out of the water and held him in my arms

- the sweet sounds newborn Judah made - no crying or screaming, just darling little 'bleating' noises

- being unable to sleep that night....tucked in bed by our midwives after a glass of champagne and piece of banana bread....he's mine? he's ours? how is this possible? how are we so blessed?

"Before you were conceived, I wanted you. Before you were born, I loved you. Before you were here an hour, I would die for you. This is the miracle of love.” (Maureen Hawkins)

I can't believe our sweet Judah is 1 year old in just two days. Where has the year gone? 

xoxo

I Am That Woman!

Hello our Dearest Ones! Here I am again, writing to all of you who we love and miss so very much. I was just out on a walk with our wee one, all bundled up in her teddy bear suit with her cold-nipped cheeks and nose peeking out as we walked along. It was glorious! Of course, it was also time for lots of thinking :)

I was recalling a few weeks prior to my departure for University of Dallas, saying a very difficult goodbye to a dear and much loved friend. He said, with horror..."you are just going to meet a guy, get married, and have babies!." Knowing that I was heading to a Catholic university he felt sincerely afraid for me that I was going to throw my life and youth away on such "things."

I remember thinking at the time that I would do no such thing! Not that there was anything wrong with it but because (in my own mind) I was strong, independent, intellectual, and certainly not looking for love. Ok, if I was completely honest with myself and others I would have admitted that I wouldn't have minded if love found me, and quickly!

That was only 4 years ago!

However, I realized today with a grin and a sigh that I am that woman! Yes, I am strong, independent, and intellectual. But those things don't have to be exclusive of everything else I am....

I am that woman that lost her heart in one instant to a man with kind eyes because I still believe in true love, the fairy tale kind.

I am that woman that dreamt and waited and hoped for a Prince Charming that dreamt, waited, and hoped for me...and I found him!

I am that woman who believes that my heart was made for something in particular...and I call it my vocation.

I am that woman who would rather wash dishes in the sink and be married to the love of my life than wait to be able to afford a dishwasher and be "established' before saying "I DO." Dishwashers will come!

I am that woman who is passionately and unapolagetically religious in a world that's gone "spiritual," a woman who believes in TRUTH in a world that believes in "your truth and my truth."

I am that woman who would move with my husband across the world, with only a bank account and hotel for 5 days, just to chase a dream with him.

I am that woman who, while there, would feel strongly the call to be open to new life in our marriage despite all of the uncertainties and would say FIAT.

I am that woman who was so in love with my unborn child that I talkedto , sang to, rubbed, read to, and played with her all pregnancy. So convinced was I of her inherent right to life and love that proudly accepted a mother's day flower when she was not yet born...despite many telling me I wasn't a mama yet. WHAT?!?

I am that woman who is all for baby-wearing, co-sleeping, cuddling and snuggling and playing! Ok, I'll admit it...sometimes I take hold of our sweet sleeping little bundle and pull her into bed with us for one last cuddle. There's never enough time in our waking hours to marvel over her preciousness.

I am that woman who is all for more babies even though some days I am so pooped on, tired, disenchanted, lonely, and anxious that I wonder if I was cut out for this wife and motherhood stuff! 

I am that woman who is deeply joyful and content.

Yes, I am that woman who found a man, got married, and had a baby. BUT, a few years ago I felt as though that would have been failing. As though somehow being content loving my husband and children with all my might would make me less worthy. Of what? Worthy of acclaim? Puulease! I've found much more self-worth than worldly acclaim could ever give me!

You know what? I have never felt more whole. Yes, I am strong, independent and intellectual. I am also a wife and mother who has good days and days of major struggle. With the love of my life and our sweet baby girl I am a dreamer and an idealist. I am full of hopes and prayers. I am truly alive and striving. I am excited to be all that I was created to be.

Thank you, Lord, for making me that woman.

Tomorrow (or the next day!) I owe you a real update on life. Exciting things are happening for us!!

We miss you and love you all, we pray for you every day!

Love always, XO