Update - Emily and a New Year's Journey

I have a blessed blessed life.

Every post in this blog is evidence of this.

There is one aspect of my life I've not shared too much of on this blog, and truth be told it is one of my greatest struggles.

Body image and a struggle against self-loathing. In other words, I have a hard time with proper self-love and care.

This struggle goes way back to when I was 14 years old and away at boarding school (and probably subconsciously from way before then). As most aspects of control in my life were taken away I started severely restricting my eating. My parents, proactive and intuitive, brought me home before a huge issue developed, however this set a pattern for disordered eating that 16 years later I still struggle with.

I love exercise, I've always been naturally athletic and build muscle strength easily! A few life circumstances contributed, however, to exercise being more about punishment than love. First would be that when I was restricting my calories, it took monumental effort to put in the hours in the gym that I did. I motivated myself by self ridicule. I was also in an abusive relationship as a young adult and this person used the word "pathetic" to describe me many times. It is the word that always pops into my head when I try to motivate myself.

Pregnancy and nursing were kind to me in that I gained within the recommended weight and lost it very quickly breastfeeding. Nursing my children I was typically skinnier than other times in my life and I didn't ever exercise except for running after toddlers and holding my babies who LOVE to be held. Perhaps unfortunate is that I had the sort of skinny body that I had held as ideal through years of hating my slender but muscular frame.

Now that my 2.5 year old is weaned, my body wants to go back to its more natural shape. I am tired of fighting who I am created to be, as I am. My husband loves my body, skinny, pregnant, postpartum but most especially he loves it strong. My daughter is now aware of different body shapes and is a sponge of everything that comes out of my mouth. My son will soon also.

And so I embark on a new journey towards loving myself so that I can love others better and more authentically. In other words, I am on a journey towards thriving.

 I have some reasons and goals to share with you.

1. I am going to become fit and strong. I am using Kayla Itsines' Bikini Body Guides and so far they are wonderful! The goal is that I will be healthier and more confident, especially as we would love to be blessed with at least a couple more children, and relatively soon. This is in no way about what I look like, instead it is about being healthy, strong, confident, and energized.

2. My last pregnancy was more difficult than the first, with many more of the cliche but very bothersome symptoms and terrible baby blues postpartum. The goal is that my next pregnancy will be a fit one, and I can be proactive about avoiding these symptoms and PPD.

3. I am going to retrain myself to eat intuitively. There were two times in my life I remember eating intuitively. These were when I was rowing, and when I was engaged and newly married. I never thought about something being right/wrong/too much/too little, I just fed myself what I needed when I was hungry. Looking back I can see that these also stand out as times in my life when I was most happy and my body easily settled at a stable weight! I would love if my appetite increases. I think years of calorie restricting (not severely but always) have actually made my metabolism sluggish. I have a bird-like appetite and would love to dive into a healthy meal with gusto!

19 years old and rowing. I actually lost this race but look at my strong muscles!

On our honeymoon in Italy. At this point (probably a span of about 3 years) in my life I didn't obsess at all about my body, I just lived with gusto! 

4. I am going to exemplify healthy and affirming behavior for my children - prioritizing self care such as work outs and recreation, feeding myself balanced healthy meals, and indulging in treats once in a while. I want my daughter to grow up understanding that she is fearfully and wonderfully made and that her beautiful self is worthy of her own respect, love and care. I want my son to witness what womanhood looks like, so that he is always inspired to respect and chivalry.

5. I will not be reporting inches lost/gained, pounds lost/gained etc. I actually have not been on a scale in 10 years. I will take progress photos and report on how things are going, though!

6. I am going to keep this real. I am a busy mama and wife and most days when I workout it is with toddlers at my ankles and the lunch dishes undone because it was one or the other. I don't have time to make fitness my life, I don't have the $$ to buy sophisticated gear, and I don't have perfectly white walls for progress photos (too many handprints on them even if I did!). This is about a real life and sustainable fitness. This is about thriving.

Thanks for reading and joining me on this journey. I have been hesitant to share it, but I read something from Matthew Kelly last week that helped me decide to.

"I have traveled the world more than most people, and the amount of self-loathing that we seem to have for ourselves as Christians never ceases to break my heart. Our inability to love ourselves may be one of the biggest problems in the Church today. For until we learn to love ourselves as God wants us to, our ability to love others will be limited and deformed. God wants you to be very clear that you are as important as anyone else. Any thought that you don’t matter, that others are more important than you, that your thoughts or feelings are not valid, or that people will not like you unless you please them, are not from God. These are not thoughts that come from the mind of God. Learn to love yourself. That’s radical. Your ability to love yourself will have a direct impact on your ability to love God and to love your neighbor."

I share so that I hold myself accountable to this journey, as it won't be easy and it won't be quick but I'm sure it will be worthwhile. As well, if my story and journey can in any way be of help to someone else, then it is worth sharing!

May your day be filled with joy!