Gratitude

On this beautiful sunny Tuesday in February I am feeling so grateful for:

1) 5 incredible, whirlwind years with the man of my dreams! This Valentine's day was 5 years since our very first date. We fed the ducks and ate at delicious Pappasitos Restaurant in Dallas. It is a day I'll never forget, as the person I thought I'd never fall for captured my heart so quickly! Thank goodness God's plans for our lives are so much bigger and better than our own! My still romantic handsome prince snuck out of bed in the middle of the night so that when I got up with Judah at an insanely early hour I would be "showered with flowers." He continues to blow me away with his generosity and selflessness for our family. I am so grateful...

Hundreds of flowers raining down in me in the early morning

2) A sweet and intelligent little 2 year old with an immense imagination and flare for creativity. Our gorgeous Liliana Joy is SUCH a joy! She amazes me with her ability to make believe, make up songs, paint, play dough, dress up, all day long. Joe has made such an incredible effort to foster Liliana's imagination, and I am truly seeing the gift that he has given her.

Working on a painting project with Daddy

3) BioGaia Probiotic Drops. Folks, let me tell you, if your kids aren't on probiotics and seem to have low immune function, maybe give these a try. Of course, there are lots of probiotics on the market but these drops have worked so well for Liliana and Judah. I am seeing major improvements in Judah's tummy since putting them both on these, as well as overall improvement in Liliana's vitality, and it has been well worth the blow to our budget to invest in the really good ones!

4) A 3 month old baby who is full of smiles for all of us. I can't get over how Judah adores his big sister and his daddy. My heart bursts when he follows me around the room with adoring eyes. This week has brought big changes in Judah's overall demeanor and contentedness. While I am still on a severely restricted diet, and recently also cut out all caffeine, I am happy to accept the status-quo right now and let us all get our feet back under us.

Oh mommy, you are soooo funny!

5) The opportunity to work out. After Liliana was born I never worked out, as the baby weight fell right off and our lives were so upside down it never seemed to fit in. However, now it is not so much a matter of weight or fitness, and instead an hour to relax, enjoy, and have FUN. I've started doing an awesome circuit style boot camp twice a week and it is so incredibly rejuvenating (and simultaneously butt-kicking!). On that note, I am grateful for my awesome Mama who watches the wee ones while I work out.

6) The example of my incredible sister, Jocelyn, who has spent the last 6 months working for the family of a terminally ill man. Yesterday, he passed away. Jocelyn has amazed me with her devotion, compassion, courage, and strength as she has served this family above and beyond the call of duty. I know it is because she came to see this man as a dear friend whom she loved deeply. Still, I am amazed by her. On top of it, she is Judah's Godmama. He is one lucky lil boy!!

I will leave it there, as Judah is down for a nap and one very sweet pigtailed delight of a 2 year old is waiting to read stories. How blessed am I?

xoxo

Monday Musings: On Realizing My Own Littleness

When Liliana was born, two and a half years ago, motherhood and I effortlessly became one another. There was nothing that seemed too hard (except for one night of screaming after our trip home from Oz!) and I didn't understand how anyone could possibly not think this being a mama thing was the best and most joyfilled thing to ever happen to them.

When I became pregnant with Judah, I naively assumed that when he was born he would effortlessly merge into our little family, that I would wear him all the time (as I did Liliana), and that we would continue on our merry way.

And then this darling little bundle of baby boy entered our lives. 

Seriously, so squishy and adorable!!

The first few days postpartum were bliss....and then his tummy started hurting and his hands formed into fists and his legs became stiff, he started crying, and crying, and crying, and still cries. I cried and cried, Liliana cried because I was crying and because she was confused and needed her mama, and I morphed into this mother that I could have never imagined myself being. I yelled at Liliana. I resented Judah, my home fell apart, I could really care less about my personal appearance, I felt afraid to leave the house. The suffering felt so intense and so very real, I couldn't (and sometimes still can't) see how life will ever seem as easy as it was.

Moreover, my whole self missed my sweet Liliana with everything in me. I ached to hold her. When she woke at night sad and I was preoccupied with Judah I mourned. When she needed me during the day and I was holding her fussy brother I mourned. I realized that although my heart had grown enough to encompass the love for these two babies of mine, my arms had not grown and I had not gained any extra hands. I missed having Judah safe in my belly and Liliana safe in my arms.  I miss it still.

I miss Joe. He comes home from work and is immediately consumed with attending to Liliana who has fended for herself most of the day. I gratefully accept the gift of just one little one to care for and try to stuff the laundry in with one hand or awkwardly pull together some semblance of dinner! Yet we fall into bed at the end of each day and as I gratefully snuggle up to his warm presence I miss his friendship desperately.

And so we come to the point of this all, that I am learning a vital lesson in humility. To presume that I could do it all, on my own, was so ignorant. To be critical of those who may have adjusted with difficulty to motherhood was so prideful! I myself am little and one of the only things that makes a difficult day not so difficult is if I take a few minutes in the early hours of the morning to place every moment of joy and suffering at the feet of our Lord. I beg for His grace to love beyond my own natural capacity to love, and to fill these little hearts with exactly what they need to thrive.

Truly, to finish this blog on a happy note,we have had so much fun learning to just be at home and keep life simple. I invested in a 4.99 pack of face paints. Let me tell you, we have had a blast! Each day Liliana can be a different character and while I hold Judah we can make all sorts of make believe.

Sweet puppy dog! 

Never underestimate the joy to be had
in a sink bath!!

Princess Liliana Joy!!

There is so much joy in the simple being of each day. There is so much peace in knowing that I have done my best to love these little ones and that they are both growing and happy. I am truly being tried and tested in these early days with our beloved Son. Parenthood is the most amazing thing, and the deepest suffering I've ever known. It has nothing to do with the stench of a diaper, the sleeplessness, or the hard work. It has everything to do with the reality of not enough arms to match the love in one's heart, of seeing a child struggle and not knowing how to meet their needs, of wanting to balance affection towards one's children and one's spouse, of yearning for intellectual stimulation but knowing that your entire day must be oriented towards nourishing and loving the little minds you've been blessed with!

Pray for me and for Judah's tummy, Liliana's peace, and Joe's patience. We pray for all of you!!

xoxo

Cherish

Dear Ones,

How I miss writing!!

Before Judah was born I was part of a group of mamas from my birth centre. We met a few times to learn and grow together as we prepared for our babies. As each one had her baby and shared her birth story I felt more and more guilty about how beautiful and perfect Judah's birthday had been. Well, needless to say the days since his birth have felt so incredibly difficult, that I don't feel guilty anymore! However, more on that later. Right now I just want to focus on the things about our beautiful baby boy that I will miss and want to remember and cherish.

Sweet Judah I absolutely adore....

- the way you gaze at me and follow me around with your beautiful eyes as though you have the biggest crush on me

Truly, who could resist?

- the way you often can't fall sleep unless your eyes are covered and one of us is holding your hands

- the way your long eyelashes fall on your chubby cheeks and make me swoon

- the way you smile at your big sister whenever she is nearby, even though her way of loving you is, well, hands on :)

Her love for you has only intensified since the day you were born!

- the way you love LOVE to be naked, that as soon as you feel the fresh air you kick and squirm and coo. The only way to describe it would be to say that you rejoice!

- the way that your double chin gets bigger and bigger each morning, I swear it grows overnight

Hey there mama! How's my chin lookin' today??

- our quiet mornings together, you know, the early ones before anyone else who knows what is good for them is awake? It is as though you've missed me desperately and just want to chat, no one will ever know how precious our conversations are because it is just you and me

- how much you love bath time and the first big belly laugh you gave us as I ran the tap water over your head

- how much you love your daddy and how he is the only person who can make you laugh so far, as though he is just the coolest person on earth

- the way you cling to me after I've taken you out of your hated carseat, as though you just need me. While it seems overwhelming to be so needed, what would I do with myself if I weren't?

- the way you've been fragile and gassy and fussy and needy, to remind us that we couldn't just stay the same but that you made us a new and different family, one that is forever better because of your presence (as evidenced by this video in which big sis and mama spend many happy and precious daytime hours singing to you to help your tummy feel better!!)

I love you my darling son. I wouldn't trade these challenging first days for anything, even though they've stretched me to (what has felt like) my limit. You bring such joy to our family. Thank you!