New Year, New Reflections

Dearest Friends and Loved Ones,

Here it is mid January and I sit down with a firm resolve to write more and often! I've been stuck in a funny state of limbo where my heart feels too full to adequately express in words what is in it. Thus, I've stayed far away from my keyboard, afraid to even attempt it. However, at the coaxing of my husband I am here again to try and pick back up where I left off! I simply can't let you all know of everything that is happening in our lives, although I will try, so instead I plan to let you know what is happening in my heart as it grows more and more full in this journey of love that is being a wife and mother!

Today I want to write about some of the lessons of these early days of motherhood. I never knew that I could be so stretched, challenged, fulfilled, deeply happy, and paralyzed with fear all at the same time. What the heck do I mean? Well, let me try to explain.

Stay moment, please STAY!

Lesson # 1: With my beautiful baby girl, my heart breaks every day! All I have to do is gaze at our baby sleeping, her perfect little chest rising and falling, and my heart feels as though it breaks in two. I contemplate the fact that I have no control over so many aspects of her life...I see her tiny body and know that she will have sickness, injuries, heart break, confusion, rebellion. She has to grow, suffer, learn, rejoice, and I can't stop any of it! I can only love her and teach her to the best of my ability and then let her go. I can't fathom letting her go, I just want to hold onto her forever.

Lesson #2: My love for Joe has only deepened through Liliana's presence. When she was first born I had this moment of panic, thinking that I couldn't stretch myself enough to love Joe as completely as I did before she came along, and love her with as much dedication as I wanted to. However, the heart is mysterious and wonderful in that it has found this ability to expand and encompass all the love I have for both. Ok, so I don't have as much time to spend with Joe, but in some mysterious way my love for him is even more intense and dedicated.



I could eat those delicious chubby cheeks!

Lesson #3: Productivity with a new baby cannot be measured in worldly terms: How many times in the last 5 months have I arrived at the end of the day with an unmade bed, a hastily prepared dinner, a pony tail in and lululemon on, emails piling up (you get the picture!). In the early days, I felt like a total failure at life. Of course, then I realized that I am productive if my baby is clean, cuddled, growing, kissed, played with, eating, thriving! My perfectionist tendencies tempt me to focus on measurable achievements, but for now I must learn to be content in being a mother. What better productivity is there than a healthy, growing baby?

Lesson #4: Having a baby is catalyst for questioning the meaning of life all over again! When I look at Liliana and experience this overwhelming love for her, I can't help but ask why. As morbid as it sounds, I know that at this moment in time we are Lyla's world, and one day we will not be here anymore for her. I can't bear the thought. Despite my faith I question why we come into this world only to leave it so quickly. Thank goodness for the gift of faith, for the promise of heaven, and for knowing that this life is merely a journey to our eternal reward. (Now I just need to remember that when I am tempted to have an existential crisis!)

Lesson#5:  The right kind of diaper makes all the difference in the world. Ok, so it sounds superficial, but truly when you are already immersed in this world of "who the heck am I now that my life is no longer mine?" controlling the number of poopy blowouts makes all the difference! I mean, I remember the early days when she had 6 poops a day. If they were all blowouts, I would definitely be crying by the 4th one, with poop on my fingers, a laundry pile of yellow grossness growing by the hour, and a crying baby as I tried to maneuver soiled clothes over her wriggly and fragile body. Pampers, NOT Huggies. Costco Kirkland brand are also fabulous for being almost totally leak proof. Thank you, good diaper makers!



Hello, little ballerina!

Lesson #6: Small moments must be cherished. Yesterday was my mom's birthday. We dressed Liliana up for it in my favorite purple polka dot shirt, her tutu leggings, and her ballerina shoes. All night as I stood back and gazed at my baby as she was passed from arm to arm I just wanted to snatch her up, bury my nose in her milky smell, carry her to a quiet place where we could coo and play, and take a permanent mental snapshot of her oozing preciousness. I can't handle how perfect she is to me, how when she woke up today she was that much closer to never fitting into her purple polka dot shirt again. SO, I put her to bed in it, just to hold onto that moment a little longer.

Well dear loved ones, I suppose the final thought that I have to share today is that there will never be an end to the lessons. They keep on coming. I keep on being stretched, challenged, purified, reborn, humbled, exalted...transformed in love. Wow, what a journey!
We love you all so much and miss you wherever you are! I promise to write again soon!

XOXO